Fast food is as American as obese children getting their own reality show. Sadly though, drive-thru shaming is at an all time high. In a culture of kale shakes and master cleanses, real Americans add equivocating hashtags to their Instragrams of double bacon cheeseburgers to avoid the ridicule of their judgmental peers—#foodporn #cheatday #earnedthisatthegym #whydoesntmymotherloveme #ideservetobealoneforever.

Don’t ever apologize for your indulgences, man. Sure, there are starving children, probably even in your own city, but not here on this glorious stretch of suburban highway lined with neon sirens beckoning you to their sodium blasted delights. It would be irresponsible to ignore the bounty at our feet. Besides, no matter how hard you try to hide your true self, the empty paper bags littered across your backseat read like grease-stained tea leaves, the trans-fatty fingerprint of your inner psyche. But what does it all mean? Which personality types make which menu choices most often? Let’s explore.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.