My second girlfriend was named Gina. She may live at home with her parents these days and work as a waitress at Hooters, but back in 5th grade, man, did she have it going on. See, in Mrs. Moore's 5th grade class all the guys and girls dated each other. Shit was basically a G-rated Gossip Girl, heavy on the hand holding and super heavy on the hand holding while roller skating at the local roller rink. While my first relationship with Cristina, now a successful feminist/lesbian, hadn't panned out like I had imagined, I was committed to making Gina and myself last for all eternity. To do this I ensured to never talk to her in class, never look her in the eye and pretty much avoid her ass at all costs. A few days into dating, I got a call while at home. It was Gina and she needed to speak with me immediately. I grabbed the phone and went into my parent's living room so I could properly stammer and pace around without being disturbed. She was calling because we hadn't picked a song—OUR SONG. This decision was extremely crucial shit and had to be remedied ASAP lest our relationship end in a gigantic fireball of destruction that is a 10-year-old girl crying on the phone. In 5th grade my favorite band was Chumbawamba, so you can imagine my insufficiency heading into this conversation. But where I thought Gina was calling to discuss, she was really calling to tell or, rather, order. Our song was to be Celine Dion's seminal 1997 hit "My Heart Will Go On," the main theme to the greatest romantic tale of our time, Titanic. I, relieved, agreed and promptly ended the phone call because I was scared to fucking death. Gina and I probably held hands and roller skated to "My Heart Will Go On" eight times over the remaining two weekends we were together. I forget why we broke up, but it probably had something to do with the whole not talking to her in class, never looking her in the eye and pretty much avoiding her ass at all costs thing. Regardless, "My Heart Will Go On" will always be special to me, which is why I am buying this T-shirt. Gina, if you're reading this while on your break at Hooters, just know that my heart will go on...and on...and on...
