Thank Jesus! Kobe has risen, and "The Legend Continues." Last night "The Black Mamba" returned from the devastating torn Achilles he suffered last spring, an injury that might have crippled a mere mortal. He faced the mighty-ish Toronto Raptors, and while he wasn't exactly otherworldly (9 points and 8 turnovers), it's early yet. Give Kobe Bean 39 more days to do a bunch of great shit, and talk to us then.
Kobe is the closest thing thing the NBA has to Jesus*, and their similarities go deeper than their chocolatey exteriors. Jesus gave sight to the blind, and still haters proceeded to hate; Kobe played on a team with both Sasha Vujacic and Pau Gasol, and people gave him a hard time for having a prickly personality. Through trials (literally for Kobe) and tribulations, both Kobe and Jesus emerged as glimmering beacons of everything man could be. Through trials (again literally for Kobe) of faith, devout followers did not waiver, and they were rewarded for their loyalty. Stay true to Kobe in these trying times as the disciples were to Jesus and you shall be rewarded. Remember, no weapon formed against Kobe shall prosper. Still not a believer? Check the comeback comparison below.
Age at crucifixion/injury:
Greatest achievement prior to fall:
Jesus: Turning water into wine, healing the sick
Kobe: Helping Mark Madsen get a ring, winning championship on a team with Sasha Vujacic
Prior to fall, persecuted by:
Kobe: Mike Brown offensive sets, Pau Gasol's bitchassness
Kobe: An aging Achilles
Comeback announced via:
Jesus: Letting his friends stick their fingers in his crucifixion wounds
Kobe: Muted, understated video released on Facebook
Length of time out of the game:
Jesus: Rose on the 3rd day.
Kobe: Nearly 8 months.
End result of comeback:
Jesus: Ascending to heaven after 40 days to sit at the right hand of God
Kobe: Currently in 10th place in the West, final result unknown
Comeback marred by:
Jesus: The Crusades, a bunch of people thinking he was white
Kobe: To be determined, but most likely: Mike D'Antoni defensive rotations, Pau Gasol's bitchassness
Lasting memory of resurrection:
Jesus: Easter is celebrated annually to remember Christ’s resurrection
Kobe: A poor performance in a loss to the Toronto Raptors, too early to tell if there will be an annual celebration
*Unless you count Ray Allen, who played Jesus Shuttlesworth. But, also, and this is important: We're kidding folks.