Patrick Kane

We're young, so it's going to take a little more than the Jets offense and tryptophan to knock us out on Thanksgiving. The party's going late, so we need a hard-partying maniac with stamina. Rob Gronkowski's kind of a tool and he's playing tonight, so we're happy to invite unemployed hockey player Patrick Kane to the mix. Kane has the restraint of a pit bull on bath salts, so this should be a pretty wild evening.