This has been a tumultuous NBA offseason, to say the least. But for LeBron James, coming off his spectacular flameout in last season's NBA Finals, it's been a time for embarrassing children, getting ethered by retired players, and yes, contemplation. But what's King James been thinking about? Check out our exclusive look inside the mind* of the man himself and find out.

1. HOW MANY EGGS FOR BREAKFAST?

"Not one, not two, not three, not four..."

2. BEAT UP DELONTE WEST

"Just check all local KFCs..."

3. PICK UP KLEENEX FOR CHRIS BOSH

"Who the f*ck is allergic to aloe?"

4. WHERE TO TAKE MY TALENTS FOR LUNCH

"Applebee's?"

5. DON"T FORGET THE 4TH QUARTER! (FOR THE PARKING METER)

"I always seem to come up short..."

6. ORDER WIDER HEADBANDS

"But does it make my head look fat?"

7. HOW TO PRONOUNCE "SPOELSTRA"

"Gotta admit, 'Shut the f*ck up, Brown' was a lot easier..."

8. BEAT UP RASHARD LEWIS

"Is he taller than me?"

9. ASK RILEY TO BORROW A RING FOR THIS DINNER PARTY I'M GOING TO

"I'm totally gonna perma-borrow that sh*t..."

 

*This is not an actual x-ray of LeBron's mind. Only doctors can x-ray people's heads. Also, your thoughts don't manifest themselves as little animations in your brain. But it would be totally cool if they did.

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