"Son, I sure hope that's vanilla ice cream you're eatin'!"
Ever sit around reading your Internets and come across a news item that makes you say, "I really need to add a layer to my tin-foil hat because SOMEBODY IS READING MY MOTHERLOVIN' MIND!"? Well, we had just such a moment yesterday when we read about the AABA—no, not the all-white pop group from Sweden, the all-white basketball league from Georgia a.k.a. the All-American Basketball Alliance.
Yes, for all of you craving good, fundamental, WHITE basketball, your day has come. The brainchild of former wrestling promoter Don "Moose" Lewis, the AABA aims to field a 12-team league in the Southeast, featuring "only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race." His reasoning? To create a league for "white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like," in a forum free of players "flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch." Clearly, they're gonna need a set of all-white rules for the all-white league to prevent players from slipping back into any uncouth NBA behavior, and that's where Complex comes in. Yo Moose: run with these if you want, just give us 10% of the gate—it's the white thing to do...
RULE #1: NO DRIBBLING
• Any fan of fundamental basketball knows that dribbling is a slippery slope to all kinds of fiendish things: spin moves, crossovers, broken ankles, so we propose the AABA adopt a "no drop" rule to go along with its "one drop" rule.
RULE #2: SHORTS INSEAM MAY BE NO LONGER THAN 5 INCHES
• In the '80s black players started wearing increasingly longer shorts to hide their enormous...upper thigh muscles. Since the AABA's white players don't have that problem, they can return to good ol' fashioned short shorts, a.k.a. the way
Daisy DukeGod intended basketball players to look (plus they'll be outsourcing the unis to sweatshops in Asia and those cheap 6-year-old Vietnamese punks charge by the inch).
RULE #3: ENTIRE SECOND HALF DEVOTED TO FREE THROW SHOOTING CONTEST
• Why allow the outcome of a game to be decided by something non-fundamental like a last-second dunk? Instead make the winning team earn their victory by showcasing their skill where real legends are made, at the free throw line!
RULE #4: ALL CONTACT IS FORBIDDEN...EXCEPT FOR HUGS
• Basketball's white founder James Naismith envisioned the game as a non-contact sport, but over the years his vision has been polluted by streetball mainstays like hand-checking and hacking. No need to take the game back to the 19th Century entirely though, so the AABA will allow for the occasional hug, provided they're fundamentally sound (and thankfully the league's founding principle will prevent the kind of miscegenation depicted above).
RULE #5: BONDAGE MITTENS TO BE WORN AT ALL TIMES
• You got a better way to stop crotch-grabbing?