"Son, I sure hope that's vanilla ice cream you're eatin'!"
Ever sit around reading your Internets and come across a news item that makes you say, "I really need to add a layer to my tin-foil hat because SOMEBODY IS READING MY MOTHERLOVIN' MIND!"? Well, we had just such a moment yesterday when we read about the AABA—no, not the all-white pop group from Sweden, the all-white basketball league from Georgia a.k.a. the All-American Basketball Alliance.
Yes, for all of you craving good, fundamental, WHITE basketball, your day has come. The brainchild of former wrestling promoter Don "Moose" Lewis, the AABA aims to field a 12-team league in the Southeast, featuring "only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race." His reasoning? To create a league for "white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like," in a forum free of players "flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch." Clearly, they're gonna need a set of all-white rules for the all-white league to prevent players from slipping back into any uncouth NBA behavior, and that's where Complex comes in. Yo Moose: run with these if you want, just give us 10% of the gate—it's the white thing to do...
RULE #1: NO DRIBBLING
• Any fan of fundamental basketball knows that dribbling is a slippery slope to all kinds of fiendish things: spin moves, crossovers, broken ankles, so we propose the AABA adopt a "no drop" rule to go along with its "one drop" rule.
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RULE #2: SHORTS INSEAM MAY BE NO LONGER THAN 5 INCHES
• In the '80s black players started wearing increasingly longer shorts to hide their enormous...upper thigh muscles. Since the AABA's white players don't have that problem, they can return to good ol' fashioned short shorts, a.k.a. the wayDaisy DukeGod intended basketball players to look (plus they'll be outsourcing the unis to sweatshops in Asia and those cheap 6-year-old Vietnamese punks charge by the inch).
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RULE #3: ENTIRE SECOND HALF DEVOTED TO FREE THROW SHOOTING CONTEST
• Why allow the outcome of a game to be decided by something non-fundamental like a last-second dunk? Instead make the winning team earn their victory by showcasing their skill where real legends are made, at the free throw line!
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RULE #4: ALL CONTACT IS FORBIDDEN...EXCEPT FOR HUGS
• Basketball's white founder James Naismith envisioned the game as a non-contact sport, but over the years his vision has been polluted by streetball mainstays like hand-checking and hacking. No need to take the game back to the 19th Century entirely though, so the AABA will allow for the occasional hug, provided they're fundamentally sound (and thankfully the league's founding principle will prevent the kind of miscegenation depicted above).
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RULE #5: BONDAGE MITTENS TO BE WORN AT ALL TIMES
• You got a better way to stop crotch-grabbing?
• CLICK HERE TO SEE MORE COMPLEX STYLE POSTS!
funky boy wonder7 January 21st, 2010 at 08:37 PM
WHAY THE F**K
that dude January 22nd, 2010 at 11:32 AM
Mad hilarious!!!
Mike Regan January 23rd, 2010 at 09:43 PM
An All White Basketball League...? Rather than ramble on about the rights versus the wrongs of having an “All White Basketball league” (Which I believe is fair), would just like to say that for close to five decades the blacks have pretty much been running the show… Sadly, they’ve never been content with our elected leadership and seem to thrive on dips like Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Marty King, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, etc., etc., to do their bullying for them. “Including” bullying their way into the Nation’s Sports Arenas. And can someone tell me why we American tax payers have to pay for the existence of a “Congressional Black Caucus”…??? It’s been suggested on a few of the blogs that the blacks are superior to whites when it comes to sports, but the truth is that white kids, who have honed their talents (Yes, very much including basketball) through Grammar School, High School and College, only to find themselves weeded out of the “System” (Read the 3rd paragraph) in their Junior or Senior years of those Colleges. To satisfy the vicious underground “Black Agenda” that rules the show… Bugs me because I enjoy it when the “Hoop It Up” tournaments come to town. The kids come from all over, and it’s a pleasure to watch the “White” kids run absolute rings around the best that the “Blacks” have to offer. “White” kids who could put Michael Jordon to shame. So Please…! Don’t anyone give me that “Uppity Black Superior Crap”… Though I remain confused as to why so many blacks put up with these self-proclaimed black leaders, with their Rolex watches, Limos, hugh expense accounts that they’ve bilked from their own people and other millions they’ve bilked out of intimidated Corporations who would rather anti-up on huge settlements then drag their Companies through long, drawn our trials to answer to “Trumped Up Discrimination Charges” by the likes of Jesse Jackson and other “Black Leaders”… For the life of me, I do not understand why this “Silent Majority” of the African American community doesn’t stand up to these bullies. I’ve no doubt that if I were to drive over to Massachusetts, stand atop a soap box at “Boston Commons”, and then rant and rave for an hour or two on whatever injustices befell the Irish during their history, I would last just that… About two hours before I’d be tarred, feathered and run out of town on a rail. And those carrying that rail would bear such names as , O’Malley, McCourt, Plimpton and Reardon… And I’m sure most, if not all, other ethic groups in this awesome US of A would act in similar fashion if one of their member’s also took to a soap box…. It’s quite difficult to explain to some of you younger one’s out there what it has has been like for those of us Americans who experienced our lives both during the wonderful & peaceful decades prior to the assassination of President Kennedy. When we actually celebrated the birthdays of two of our Nation’s most beloved Presidents, George Washington & Abraham Lincoln. They’ve both been stripped of their much deserved “Honor” and “Federal Holidays” and been replaced by some “Nit-Wit” we know of as Marty King… And then the turbulent, violent and despicable decades old behavior to follow the murder of JFK. Behavior attributed, primarily to blacks, who simply took advantage while good 'ole Uncle Sam's guard was down. It is equally difficult to explain the frustration, especially with regard to those of us who had relatives who served in the American Civil War, but also to many generations of American whites for the absolute, total and complete lack of appreciation extended to this fine Nation by the blacks for the sacrifices made to right a devious wrong… Slavery… A wrong perpetuated by the collaboration of both the Tribal leaders of Africa and Jewish merchants of an era beginning prior to the American Revolution. Allowing ourselves to give credit to a young and fledging Nation we now know of as the United States of America, and it’s difficult years following the win over Britain, the fact that it took us only about a decade less than 100 years to gather (From scratch) the resources’ to tackle this wrong is testament to an incredible Nation that, without any doubt, had it’s wonderful heart in the right place… And the additional fact that, in the close to 15 decades (145 years…) since the end of the American Civil War, not one single black (Including the Liberal’s precious Barack Obama) has ever acknowledged, “Thanked” or even come close to showing any level of appreciation or respect toward the “359,528? Union soldiers who died on so many battlefields to insure a better life for the black man… Sacrifices which caused much suffering to family members of those incredible Union Soldiers… Family members that, surely, must have amounted in the millions… It’s appropriate to add here that “275,175? Union Soldiers were wounded… Most severely. It was a time in American History for the black man to embrace the love, the support and the “Blood, Sweat & Tears” provided to them by the awesome people of the United States. Not only to express it, but to pass that expression onto succeeding generations… In this, their failure has been complete… The only reward received by those Union soldiers, their families and this great Nation is “Contempt” by the black psyche that continues to ferment within their own family lives and, much to the woe of the predominantly European American populace here in the USA, propagate itself into the American mainstream… Sincerest regards, Mike Regan
Ryan January 26th, 2010 at 04:32 AM
@Mike Regan... dude,calm down with all of that talk. this article was written to poke fun at the situation. I seriously dont care about the all white basketball league but it seems like your problem isnt with the article..your problem is with black people..this isnt the 50's and the 60's..its 2010..you need to just relax and let us black people do what we continue to do because whether you like it or not..we made it to the top and we are not going nowhere anytime soon..and by the way..IF MARTIN LUTHUR KING IS A NIT WIT THEN RONALD REAGAN AND EVERY OTHER WHITE RACIST PERSON YOU LOOK UP TO AINT NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF B****ES
K'lajh January 26th, 2010 at 04:31 PM
All white Basketball team? Yeah right, I dont even know much about basketball but I know that noone would ever want to watch that. That old guy Mike Regan is really crazy. It's sad that even on sites like this that promote and display the current state of race relations in this country amongst our generation (which I would say is pretty good, due mostly to Hip-Hop) that there are still idiots out there like Mr. Regan that get on here and try to stir things up. Well, it is not going to work. The majority of us (black people) know that the majority of whites nowadays aren't like you. You really just make your race look bad and fuel the stereotypes of whites being racist. It is going to be a bright day when the last "Baby Boomer" is no longer here to plauge us with that old ass 20th century race baiting rhetoric that their generation thrives off of.
mekus milkdud February 20th, 2010 at 05:48 PM
mekus milkdud says: 1 second ago The biggest problem is the NBA has not been worth watching for years and now college is following right along with it. In the NBA it is almost impossible to stop a team defenceivlly because all the rules are slanted toward offence. they let the bllacks play like they are on a playgruound. they stop and then hop 8 to ten feet after stoping the drible , how can you guard that. and they drible over their hear. they put the ball on thier hip and run with it. for the most part white players are not trained or play that way. and for god sake dont foul one of the superstars, which are all black. if your are a superstar do you need the game to be called in your favor ? it makes it impossible for the other players to guard them and have a chance to win. so most of it comes down to how they have change the game to favor a street gang mentality. and thugery
gnc March 2nd, 2010 at 11:40 PM
Lol. This is so sad.