In case you haven't heard, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh's bid to buy an NFL team ended Wednesday night when he was dropped from a group of investors looking to purchase the St. Louis Rams. It seems that some of the Rush-ster's past comments (including that the media hyped Donovan McNabb because it was "desirous in a black quarterback doing well," and describing the NFL as "a game between the Bloods and Crips without any weapons") didn't sit well with a few folks, namely commissioner Roger Goodell, and the NFL Player's Union's 70% black membership.
The sad thing about Rush's rejection? He could've fielded a team of guys just like him. No, not evil drug addicts, white dudes! Sure, they might not be the best 22 guys on the field, but at least Rush wouldn't have to worry about them getting big heads because the media was desirous that they do well. Since Rush seems to view everything through the prism of race, we'd thought we'd help him out with the Coulda Woulda
Shoulda All-White Limbaugh Team...
Matt Hasselbeck | QB
The Seahawks' three-time Pro Bowl QB is the brother-in-law of conservative View commentator Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who's regularly sparred with Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O'Donnell on her show. The only way Matt could be more appealing to Rush is if he was one of those magical jumping quarterbacks that shit oxycodone.
Brian Leonard | RB
Congrats son, you made the team! Although he's only rushed for 11 yards this season, BL would fit perfectly on Rush's All-White squad...because we can't seem to find another white running back in the league.
David Diehl | T
Diehl has a Croatian coat of arms tattoed on his arm. No black folk in Croatia, far as we know.
Jake Long | T
Jake survived a fire in his dormitory during his sophomore year in college, which, in Rush's world, could've been started by members of Acorn.
Chris Cooley | TE
Famously posted a picture of his dick on his blog, but Rush has been wanting to brag about the "Cooley on my team" for years, so he's in.
Brandon Stokley | WR
Just 5'11" and 192 lbs., Brandon is all heart...and all white.
Wes Welker | WR
Once fined 10k for making a snow angel in the ground after a touchdown, so he's a veteran of the war against Christian-hating PC effetes.
Alan Faneca | C
Diagnosed with epilepsy, so, like Rush, he has trouble controlling his tongue.
Chris Snee | G
He knocked up his head coach's daughter—twice. Rush has no daughters, but we'd gladly knock them up if he did.
Jim Leonhard | DB
Jim's from Ladysmith, Wisconsin, which, much to our non-surprise, is 96% white.
Nick Sorensen | DB
A perfect fit: Nick was once accused of grabbing Pacman Jones' junk; Rush can't seem to ever get his hands on enough of the stuff.
Reed Doughty | DB
Being severely hearing impaired is a good thing—plausible deniability is a must when you're on Team Rush.
Sabby Piscitelli | DB
Although he redshirted during college, Sabby assures Rush he was only "experimenting" with Communism.
Kyle Vanden Bosch | DE
From Larchwood, Iowa, which is, amazingly, even whiter than Ladysmith, Wisconsin.
Jared Allen | DE
A strong McCain supporter because he didn't want Obama raising taxes on his bread.
Kroy Biermann | DT
Kroy strated off the 2009 season by sacking Chad Pennington twice, but Rush can forgive the white-on-white crime (provided he goes hard after that "McNabb feller").
Kyle Williams | DT
Two years ago he was undrafted, unemployed and living with his in-laws. Sounds whitebread redneck to us!
Eric Weddle | FS
EW was a special education major in college, so he can serve as chief babysitter for Palin 2012. [ed. note: Yes, we're going to hell, but so's Rush, so whatevs.]
A.J. Hawk | LB
What do you get when you mix George W. Bush supporter Kid Rock and someone that looks like Chris Farley? A.J. Hawk!
Brian Cushing | LB
2008 college All-American. Which for Rush means he got in just before it became "Obama's America."
Keith Brooking | LB
This guy started a foundation to help foster children—don't tell Rush he's actually a good person or he'll get cut!