Folks, if you’re going to release your inner thot via social media, do so without pretense. In the latest installment of “Gon’ Somewhere With This Bullshit,” (more: here, here, here, and here) I’ll discuss thirst traps—specifically some people’s inclination to not let a thing be exactly what it is. Fret not, I’m not going to act as if I’m sitting on cloud nine with Jesus, Pimp C, and Clair Huxtable and feign being above posting a thirst trap.
I most certainly have taken a picture of my perky tits fresh after bench-pressing like a mad man in the midst of an intense caffeine high. And as soon as my trainer gets me together and I break it off completely with Hennessy and catfish, I may post even more. Who knows?
Let me make a suggestion: Own your hoedom. And shut up, I’m not saying that in a negative way. I grew up on Adina Howard, Janet Jackson, and Jodeci.
If you’re going to do it, do it. Don’t get confused about what you’re doing by flaunting that image with a quote from Gandhi or that Chinese carry-out that also sells pizza, BBQ, and oxtails. I really want to understand why some of you do that shit. Like, what about your exposed breasts, ass cheeks, and until they’re reported, labias and penises, scream “Let me attach a motivational quote to this”? Isn’t your suggestive pose and nakedness motivation enough?
I’d get it if you were doing a play on phrases. Something like, “Dare to dream.” But, no, you folks out here are straight up holding yourselves while quoting JFK. The fuck wrong with y’all?
Let me make a suggestion: Own your hoedom. And shut up, I’m not saying that in a negative way. I grew up on Adina Howard, Janet Jackson, and Jodeci. I would never judge anyone for tapping into his or her inner BEYONCÉ.
What I will say, though, is that it’s time to cut the crap and stop pretending that you’re really trying to share your spiritual manifesto with a back shot. The same goes for pretending you care about the state of the European economy when you’re shirtless in bed and poking your chest out like your nipples are dying of a stroke and only a wet tongue can save them. Ditto for you ladies doing the Lil’ Kim Hardcore pose while waxing poetic.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
You don’t need to quote Robert Frost when on your freaky-freaky. We all see through you, and given it’s a thirst trap, most of us are never looking at the captions anyway. So why bother?
But you know what? If you want to quote something so badly, contextualize your thirst traps correctly.
For example, here’s the chorus from the underrated Trey Songz classic “Just Wanna Cut”:
Can you listen, baby?
I know that it might sound crazy
But I just wanna cut
And yes, I got a lady
But, gurl, you driven me so crazy
Cut, make me wanna cut
Remember Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place” video? (Ciara sure does, but I digress.) When Janet was trying to incite sexual feelings in the listener and viewer, she sure wasn’t biting the Sesame Street script, now was she? Learn from the masters.
There’s also Akinyele’s “Put It In Your Mouth” and several old bounce records I could quote, but I never know how vulgar I should be.
Bottom line: Cut the bullshit and let a thirst trap be a thirst trap. We all know you’re not trying to be profound. You just want to put it down. God bless or something.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.
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