Craving a hypocrisy sandwich with a hearty layer of old-fashioned sermonizing? Look no further than columnist David Brooks' latest column for the New York Times in which he admits to smoking weed and then goes on to say that no one could EVER be successful or intelligent if they smoke. Except, you know, him. 

Brooks 804 word song and dance also comes replete with condescending blanket statements about what smoking weed "does to you" masquerading as reasoned evidence. Among his revelations, here are a few (mostly incomprehensible) reasons why Brooks believes marijuana should remain illegal:

-Weed is an inferior pleasure. In summation, weed < "deeper sources of happiness [that] usually involve a state of going somewhere, becoming better at something, learning more about something, overcoming difficulty and experiencing a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment."

Interestingly, he makes no comment on whether alcohol, which also makes people "do stupid things" is also counted as one of these inferior pleasures (and should also be outlawed).

-Weed damages our "moral ecology." Whatever the hell that means.

-Weed changes the human being you are (for the worst). Brooks' "full-on stoner" friend was a man who used to get high and carelessly "frolic" until "something sad happened to him as he sunk deeper into pothead life." How #dark.

Also, "smoking all the time seemed likely to cumulatively fragment a person’s deep center." Wow. What kind of mentally unraveled stoner is Brooks hanging out with?

Worse yet, all of Brooks' moralizing parading as heartwarming anecdotes fail to form a logical argument as to why legalizing weed would be so awful. If Brooks' can frolic stoned, why shouldn't future generations of teens be able to do the same—legally?

We digress. Instead of over-analyzing Brooks' teenage scrapbook turned Times article, enjoy these memes of Brooks most infuriating quotes combined with images of his probably-spirit-animal, Grampa Abraham Simpson.