No, he can't cook, but he can form a negative opinion on the hard work of actual chefs with casual disdain. Some folks go deep into debt for their children or a home loan; this guy is still paying off brunches from two years ago. Eating out with this mimosa-swiller is a painful experience, as he will take you to over a dozen different hole-in-the-wall bistros before settling on a spot that has an open reservation. We would rather go back to our collegiate rations of Easy Mac and ramen than hear this guy's take on another over-whipped tiramisu.

1. Great Googa Mooga festival T-shirt
2. Currently writing negative Yelp Review 
3. Fair trade coffee from the cutest little coffee shop you never heard of
4. Artisanal cheeses from a shop that sells only cheese
5. Reusable shopping bag branded with smug quote

Related Douche: The "I Don't Ever Leave Brooklyn" Douche