Directors: Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Dulerayn
Stars: Ed Stoppard, Jeffrey Tambor, Max von Sydow, Leelee Sobieski

As far as incoherent cinema goes, Branded is a major achievement in brain-numbing, see-it-to-believe-it confusion. Not that anyone should ever bother themselves with trying to make any sense of directors Jamie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Dulerayn's laughably moronic satire about corporations dangerously marketing bad products for brainless consumers. OK, so that's just what we think it's about. It's hard to discern anything sensical when you've got a cow-shaped constellation firing lightning bolts into people.

Branded is one of those special kind of movies where a constant narrator only makes the overall story even more bewildering. One gets the sense that the filmmakers were interested in telling a sort of modern-day spin on John Carpenter's They Live, only minus the awesome one-liner-spewing Rowdy Roddy Piper and with an incredibly out-of-place Max von Sydow and a blank slate for a leading man (some drone named Ed Stoppard).