"Jersey Shore" Recap: It's Still The Situation Against The World

"Jersey Shore" Recap: It's Still The Situation Against The World

We'd hoped that Vinny's return to the Jersey Shore house would help bring things go back to the way they used to be pre-Italy, when life for the cast members was carefree, the fights were vicious, and Snooki didn't make us worry for her health. But, alas, we're beginning to think those times may actually be over for good, because even with all eight of the roommates reunited at the shore, things are strained, to say the least.

It looks like most of this is due to Mike, who's back to stirring the pot in search of more drama he can throw at his roommates, particularly Snooki. We never thought we'd say this, but we almost miss the times when Ron and Sam's drama was a Jersey Shore season's primary issue; at least then, Mike didn't look like he was one curly mustache away from becoming a cartoon villain.

Vinny's Still Back

As promised last week, Vinny is officially back in the house, putting that storyline to rest. And he seems quite happy to be back, despite the fact that the others all but kidnapped him, and he spends his first few hours at the shore catching up with Pauly while Deena hyperventilates in the corner with excitement. Pauly informs him that Mike has been acting really nice lately, something that seems to really upset Vinny. Apparently, he likes Mike better when he's "being a douche." Fair enough.

To celebrate Vinny's return, the roommates all decide to go out to Karma that night. They get to the club and begin their nightly ritual of boozing and dancing, and Snooki gets so excited that she pees herself. Which isn't normal, of course, but instead of being alarmed or concerned, she just sprays herself down with perfume and goes back to dancing. She doesn't care, she's getting paid for this! Luckily, Vinny does not see this, or else we're pretty sure he'd have gone running back to Staten Island.

The next morning, Deena electrocutes herself with her hairdryer. It's just a tiny shock, but she's not sure if she's driven herself crazy with electricity or not, because, indeed, that is definitely something that can happen. She calls Sammi, the most likely person to ask about electricity, over, and the two proceed to ponder whether or not there are different types of electricity. Sammi comments that police taze people all the time, but Deena counters that they may use a different kind of electricity. Ultimately, they decide Deena is fine; besides, if she drove herself crazy, we're sure it happened a lot earlier than just now. Zing!

Elsewhere, Jenni tirelessly attempts to get her boyfriend, Roger, on the phone. He's been totally absent this season, and apparently in her life as well; two of her calls go straight to his voicemail. There's a chapter about this in He's Just Not That Into You, but clearly Jenni has not read it.

Apparently, A "UTI" Is Not An "Ultimate Tanning Institute"

The group goes to Jenk's for the day, since it's nice. It turns out to be a rather plot-turning trip, because while there, Mike proves that he has some friends when a lot of people recognize him. This confuses the roommates. How could Mike possibly have people who, gasp, like him?
During lunch, Snooki comments that she can't control her bladder, which explains why she peed herself in the club. This isn't appropriate lunch conversation, but, again, Snooki doesn't care. On the way to the bathroom, she asks Deena if it would be wise to go to the doctor immediately if she ends up peeing blood, but Doctor Deena advises that she go tomorrow. Deena is really on a roll with the smart stuff today, isn't she? Snooki theorizes that she has a UTI, and proceeds to get drunk for pain relief, because taking some Advil would be too simple.

After drinking profusely and hitting up the batting cages, the group leaves in a few cabs. Snooki, Deena, and Mike end up in the same cab, and Mike complains to the meatballs that he feels people are ganging up on him and talking behind his back. He's been acting super nice lately, according to everyone, but we don't believe the act for one second; he's acting nice so people will trust him, and feel sorry for him, and tell him their deepest, darkest secrets. We're not sure why this doesn't occur to any of the roommates, but we suppose the drama wouldn't exist if it did. Snooki reasons that he's probably lonely, which is a surprisingly logical explanation to give considering that she's pretty drunk.

Everyone gets home, totally drunk. Snooki is the drunkest, and she pees outside because she can't control herself, while he announcing to no one (except the poor cameramen who have to witness these things) that, once again, she doesn't care. Mike isn't doing much better, because he ends up ranting about nothing on the roof with his pants halfway down, not once noticing that his package is swinging around while he talks. This traumatizes Jenni, and after what seems like ten minutes, Mike finally rights himself. "It's not The Situation," he announces, "it's The Confrontation." Did The Situation just announce a new nickname? We hope not, because The Confrontation sounds just about as stupid as the Unit does. We officially disapprove.

The Return Of The Bunny Suit

So, as it turns out, Snooki kept that bunny suit from last week, and she totally intended on making good on her promise to scare everyone in the house with it. She dresses up in the suit, which is now dubbed Lola, and grinds up against both Vinny and Pauly. This traumatizes Pauly a bit, because she looks like a serial killer.

That night, the roommates play a drinking game called Warm Beer that involves Ronnie putting soot on Snooki's face, and her not understanding what's going on because she's so drunk. Deena comments that they're all having so much fun now that Vinny's back, but we can't help but think that this episode is almost over and pretty much nothing has happened.

The next day, Snooki makes an appointment with Jenni's hairstylist to get pink extensions put in her hair, completely forgetting about the fact that her dad was supposed to visit that day. He arrives, and she sends him out on errands to pick up cranberry juice for her UTI, and fake eyelashes for Jenni. He actually goes. What a heartwarming father/daughter moment!

Elsewhere, Mike runs into Roger on the boardwalk, discovering that he is not, in fact, AWOL. No, he's just dodging Jenni's calls! No big deal. Mike immediately gets excited about telling Jenni, because this will certainly be dramatic, and drama is what he lives for. We have no explanation as to why Roger's been ignoring his girlfriend yet, though; Mike didn't ask because that would have been too logical a question to pose. Jenni is understandably pissed off when Mike tells her, and she makes it clear that nothing short of groveling will make this better.

At work in the Shore Store, Mike talks to Deena more about his issues with the roommates in the house, basically wondering who hates him. Oh, Mike, don't you know everybody does? Also, we must say, his approach to being nice is a bit hypocritical: He keeps saying that he's reformed and stuff, but then he tries to press Deena for information about who dislikes him. If he was truly reformed, he'd be able to put the past in the past and move forward, past all the petty gossip. We're not buying it.

But, as it turns out, Mike did have some sort ulterior motive: He just wanted to find another reason to hate on Snooki. After talking with basically everyone, he decides that Snooki is behind all of the drama against him, and vows revenge on her. It's clear that the old Mike is back with a vengeance. Oh, how we definitely have not missed you, dude.

The Episode's Best Quotes

"Do you think my brain's all crazy?" - Deena, asking a not-rhetorical question that she probably does not want the answer to

"If you look up too much swag in the dictionary, it'll be a big picture of my face." - Pauly

"Mike's been good lately...not crazy...but I just want to know, what is he up to, and when is he blowing up the house?" - Ronnie, to the cameras

"When are you blowing up the house, you f**king terrorist?" - Ronnie to Mike, two seconds later

"UTI does not stand for Ultimate Tanning Institute, it stands for Urinary Tract Infection." - Snooki

"I just don't want it to hit me in my urinary tract." - Snooki

"Snooki is like this super sex-crazy bunny. It's scary." - Pauly is traumatized

"It's a memory game, and Snooki has the attention span of a fish, so we know we're going to get away with this." - Ronnie, being complimentary

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Tags: jersey-shore, mtv, snooki, jwoww, the-situation, vinny-guadagnino, reality-tv, pauly-d
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