When it comes to Jersey Shore, there's a problem when an episode's main plotline is about who ate a piece of cake that Snooki and Deena baked for their boss. In the beginning, the show built itself on showcasing the antics of hormonal, over-tanned twenty-somethings with a desire to party as hard as their livers allow, and that's what made it successful. Their crazy fights, drunken nights, addiction to hot tubs, fist-pumping, and their love of GTLing practically created this whole other world that we'd never quite seen on television before, and it was new and exciting.
Now, five seasons in, it hardly feels like the same show; Snooki's drinking is out of control, The Situation creates drama because there literally is none without him, and we can't remember the last time we actually saw a hot tub scene. No one cares who ate the cake, yet half of this week's episode is spent focusing on everyone blaming everyone else until someone fesses up, like a bad episode of Friends if Ross, Chandler and the gang were tanner. In TV shows, reality ones included, some development is expected per episode to move the timeline along, and when that's absent, it's basically just watching people living their lives. And if that's the case, why would we watch when we could just live our own?
With this season already seven episodes deep, we can only hope something happens soon (Vinny leaving doesn't count anymore), even if it's the surprise return of Angelina or those pigeons that wanted to kill them back in Italy. We're pulling for the latter.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Snooki And Deena Bake A Cake
We start off where we ended last week, with Jenni on the phone with Roger trying to apologize for getting mad at him because he was being distant. She was right to be mad at him, of course, but instead of drop-kicking him Kill Bill Bride-style, she just rationalizes Roger's behavior, and seems happy that everything is now OK between the two of them. Whatever, girl.
Snooki and Deena are still in slightly hot water with store owen Danny because they are model employees who left work midway through their shift and decided to get drunk. Twice. Sammi suggests they bake a cake, and Snooki and Deena seem to love this idea. How hard could it be, right? Pretty hard, it turns out, because they completely forget that it needs to go into the oven. Jenni comments that that's a meatball problem, but it's actually just a stupidity problem.
Later, Snooki shows the cake to Sitch, like the proud baker she is. He comments that it's cute, though he gives it a weird look that clearly says, "I'm going to devour you later." Everyone goes to bed except for him, and,go figure, the next morning a piece of the cake is missing. Ronnie theorizes that they perhaps have a mouse, but everyone else assumes it was Sitch who ate the cake. Commence the most boring storyline ever in the history of this show.
Deena still gives the cake to Danny, despite the missing piece. She hands it to him with an apologetic smile: "Yeah, either a mouse or Mike ate part of it; here's the rest, boss we're horrible fake employees for!" That wasn't verbatim, but that's pretty much what she meant to say. They cut the cake at work, and Danny shoves his piece into Deena's face so that they're even.
Elsewhere, Snooki goes to the doctor for her UTI. He prescribes her some medication, and recommends that she not drink too heavily while she's on it, which is the worst thing ever to tell someone like Snooki, and for a moment it looks like she might cry. This is like denying a small child their favorite candy.
Snooki and Jenni head over to work, where Sitchand the remnants of Danny's cake are. The two girls grill Sitch about eating the cake, but he denies it, saying he's on a diet. We find out soon that, weirdly enough, he didn't; it was actually Pauly who ate it. For a moment, this makes us all feel kind of bad because for once Sitch wasn't the bad guy and everyone thought he was. Sitch doesn't deal with everyone apologizing for blaming him well, though, and all sympathy is immediately gone.
Sitch Might Have A Girlfriend
That night, everyone goes out to Karma (where else?) to party. Nothing really new here: Snooki gets wasted despite her antibiotics, and comments that her UTI is a "male" and that "he's happy" that she's drunk. We're not even going to try to make sense of this.
Sitch runs into Paula, that chick he always calls when he can't pick up anyone else at the club. It's her birthday, and she does shots with the girls before going home with lucky Mike. They have somewhat of a romantic moment on the roof of the house, where Paula tells Sitch that he makes her feel "special," like she's the only girl in the room. Clearly, she has never seen a Jersey Shore episode.
To be fair, though, Sitch does seem genuinely into Paula. Despite his inability to not try to have sex with anything in a tight skirt, he has nothing but kind words to say about her to the camera, even referring to her as his "main squeeze." Not enough to make anything official, of course, but Paula seems to be OK with that.
The next night, the group sans Snooki, Jenni, and Mike head over to Jenks for the night. Ronnie gets crazy drunk and attempts what looks like breakdancing in the middle of the dance floor. This is really hilarious to Sammi, probably because she's drunk as well, but trust us when we say it just looks like he was flailing around when you watch it on TV. Elsewhere in the club, Deena meets up with a guy that she's sort of been seeing lately, Joey, and the two flirt a lot. They dance, and Joey has a smarmy smile on his face because he knows he's going to get it in tonight.
The Dress That Launched A Thousand Fists
Back at the house, Snooki tries to get Sitch to go out with her because the night is young or whatever. Sitch tries to get her to act out the whipped cream scene of Varsity Blues with him, but she's not nearly drunk enough for that. After Sitch says a few more creepy things, she leaves to find Jenni inside.
The rest of the roommates come home not too long after, Deena with Joey in tow. Pauly decides that now would be a great time to dump all of the dishes that Deena needs to do on her bed, but Deena can't be phased; she's DTF, and nothing is going to stop her. After she moves the dishes, as predicted, her and Joey "do sex" despite the fact that Snooki walks in midway and watches them go at it from a corner. Get it, girl?
The next night, Roger finally comes over to see Jenni. She meets him at the door in a barely there, seriously revealing dress, and it seems their fight is completely past them. That could just be because Jenni's breasts look like they're about to fall out of her dress.
The two go out with the other roommates, and, of course, chaos ensues. Jenni is gawked at because it looks like she's wearing practically nothing, and one club-goer gets a bit too handsy. Roger doesn't like this, obviously, and he defends his lady by getting into a fight with the out-of-line clubber. Cut to credits.
Unfortunately (?), we're going to have to wait until next week to see how this pans out, though. So, now is the time to start placing bets on who's gonna win this thing! Maybe Roger will just bake the dude a cake.
The Episode's Best Quotes
"How are you going to have fun at the shore without drinking?" - Perpetually drunk Snooki
"This is meat-tail abuse." - Snooki, making up new words
"Did you eat the cake?" "No! I don't eat cake..." - Jenni and The Situation, about five minutes after Sitch ate a piece of cake at work
"I feel like the mean Mike is about to come out. You wouldn't like the mean Mike." - The Hulk, a.k.a. The Situation
"I look like a Jersey skank; I love it." - Snooki
"Babe, let's get out of here. I'm not dancing to Bon Jovi." - Roger has clearly never heard "You Give Love a Bad Name"