Today, lovers of arts and crafts, is Martha Stewart's birthday. We certainly hope you remembered and sent her a homemade card and gift (we hear she absolutely adores doilies cut to look like her face). Whatever you give her, it is, of course, the thought that counts—and the thought that's counted most every August 3rd since 2004 is that she's not currently in prison. You see, six years ago, despite being an incredibly wealthy, incredibly white celebrity with a publishing, broadcasting, and merchandising empire, she received a belated birthday gift of a prison sentence for accepting insider stock tips. In Martha's honor, Complex reminds her that she is now only confined by the bounds of her creativity with crafts, by reminding her of the time when she and other rich white people were sent to prison...
Crime: Indicted in June 2003 on nine counts, including charges of securities fraud and obstruction of justice, Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding, and making false statements to federal investigators in March 2004.
Time served: October 8, 2004-March 4, 2005 (plus five months of electronically monitored, gorgeous home confinement)
Complex says: We understood Martha being made an example of, but we were a little surprised that Martha got busted in the first place. We thought she was craftier than that.
Crime: After defrauding clients of nearly $65 billion with a Ponzi scheme, Madoff pleaded guilty to 11 federal offenses, including securities fraud, wire fraud, mail fraud, money laundering, making false statements, perjury, theft from an employee benefit plan, and making false filings with the SEC on March 12, 2009.
Time served: June 29, 2009-November 14, 2139 (though we don't see 72-year-old Bernie serving the full 150 years)
Complex says: We hadn't seen that many federal offenses since Dubya let New Orleans drown. We feel you, Yeezy!
Crime: After Paris received a fine and probation for a reckless driving/DUI charge, she then drove with a suspended license, and even sped with no lights on at night. A judge eventually sentenced her to jail time on May 4, 2007 for violating her probation.
Time served: June 5, 2007-June 26, 2007 (She was originally released by an L.A. County Sheriff to home confinement after serving only two days because he felt she'd gotten a stiff penalty solely because she's famous, but her judge sent that ass back behind bars.)
Complex says: Lady Justice is not blind. Or asexual. When she has her claws on a hot blond heiress who makes sex tapes, she keeps that filthy, filthy, naughty girl in her house of detention for as long as possible.
Crime: On August 30, 1983, after illegally billing mansion renovation costs as business expenses to evade taxes (and refusing to pay contractors, who in turn made receipts public), the billionaire hotelier and real estate investor was found guilty of one count of conspiracy to defraud the United States, three counts of tax evasion, three counts of filing false personal tax returns, 16 counts of assisting in the filing of false corporate and partnership tax returns, and 10 counts of mail fraud. She was acquitted on an extortion charge carrying a life sentence, though, so win-win?
Time served: 1992-January 26, 1994 (18 months total)
Complex says: Helmsley, the "queen of mean," reportedly said, "We don't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes." And in prison she no doubt paid for everything with cigarettes and salad tossings.
Crime: After LiLo pleaded guilty to several counts of being under the influence of cocaine and driving under the influence of alcohol, she was given probation in 2007. She subsequently violated it by skipping mandatory alcohol education classes, and a judge sentenced her to jail time on July 6, 2010.
Time served: July 20, 2010-August 2, 2010 (sent to an inpatient rehabilitation facility for 90 days)
Complex says: We're sure at least a couple of thick-necked lady inmates suggested that, in lieu of releasing Lohan, the better way to deal with prison over-crowding was to let them "bunk" with her in her isolation unit.
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Crime: Following the fatal February 2003 shooting of actress Lana Clarkson at his mansion, the pop and rock music producer was found guilty of second-degree murder and using a firearm in the commission of a crime on April 13, 2009.
Time served: April 13, 2009-present (Spector got the maximum sentence of 19 years to life)
Complex says: We only ask that the judge tack on another life sentence for Spector's hair, which has slain us repeatedly.
ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.
Crime: Following a 1996 traffic stop that turned up heroin, cocaine, a gun, and one drunk actor, the alcoholic coke, crack, and heroin addict repeatedly violated probation and ducked out on drug rehabilitation programs until he was jailed for six months in October 1997. In 1999, he was sentenced to three years in jail for cocaine possession (he was released in 2000 after an appeal).
Time served: 1997-1998, 1999-2000
Complex says: A substance abuse problem and time spent in captivity... Y'know, this guy could make a really great Iron Man...
Crime: On April 24, 1990, the "Junk Bond King," who was indicted on 98 counts of racketeering and fraud after participating in insider trading, pleaded guilty to six counts of securities and tax violations.
Time served: March 1991-January 1993
Complex says: Saying that a guy who cheated investors out of hundreds of millions of dollars deserved to go bald and get prostate cancer is foul, so we won't. Besides, dude is still worth over a billion! Need a shoe shine, good sir?
Crime: On June 17, 2005, the former CEO of TYCO was convicted of multiple counts of grand larceny, conspiracy, falsifying business records, and securities fraud (for, among other things, giving himself unauthorized bonuses that totaled $81 million).
Time served: September 19, 2005-present (sentenced to 8.33 to 25 years)
Complex says: The Koz maintains that his only crime is making too much money, thus making other people jealous. Fortunately, nobody can jail us for our enviable manhood.
Crime: In 1989, the televangelist who was previously disgraced by an extramarital sex scandal, was convicted on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud, and one count of conspiracy, essentially moving monies around so he and his family could live luxuriously.
Time served: 1989-July 1994 (five years of a 45-year sentence that was reduced to eight)
Complex says: If there's one thing Jesus teaches us, it's this: Washing off your sins is one thing, but you should really never literally wash yourself with shower curtains that cost less than $570.
Crime: On May 25, 2006, the Enron CEO, whose corruption and bankrupting of the energy company lost billions of dollars for investors (many of whom were employees left jobless and minus their life savings), was convicted of conspiracy, fraud, and making false statements.
Time served: July 5, 2006-eternity (Lay died before he could start serving his 20- to 30-year sentence)
Complex says: This is how you guarantee you'll never get a #1 BOSS mug.