Dead or Alive Paradise drops tomorrow, which may not mean anything to you if you're not already a housebound otaku fan of the franchise. One great thing about the new title, though, is the fact that it's for the PSP. Which means that it's portable...which means that you don't have to play on your widescreen TV...which means you'll be able to hide in your closet so your girlfriend won't catch you playing swimsuit dress-up with a bunch of virtual girls that resemble Real Dolls. Finally, your shameworthy gaming gets some privacy to match the perversion.
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We only wish we could say the same for the rest of these games—they're a bit more difficult to hide since they require a console and TV or PC. The games—well, most of them, anyway—may not be relationship deal-breakers, but it's probably best if your lady doesn't walk in while you're ogling the TV with a slack-jawed look on your face...
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Leisure Suit Larry
Concept: Larry is on an existential journey to determine if Nietzsche's philosophical writings are—ah, who are we kidding? Homie's trying to get laid the entire game. That's it. That's the objective. The whole Leisure Suit Larry series has helped put video game T&A on the map, but the older titles (i.e., up to and including Leisure Suit Larry III: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals) had the most style and humor. As you could probably tell from their titles.
Bounce Quotient:
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Custer's Revenge (1982)
Concept: We've covered this before, but the objective of the game is to fight through a hail of arrows to "rescue" (read: "Sexually assault") a captive Native American female. Actually, if your girlfriend walks in while you're playing this, you'll be OK. Even if she sees your character making love to the Native American, she'll probably just think you're playing a pink-colored sequel to Pong. Seriously, the graphics are THAT crappy.
Bounce Quotient:
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Fear Effect 2 (2001)
Concept: This is basically Resident Evil with tactical lesbian action. Yes, tactical. As in "Hana and Rain (the two main female characters) have no problem tactically removing their polygonal clothing to accomplish their mission." Years later after playing the game, we're still not sure what that mission was because, um, HOT LESBIANS.
Bounce Quotient:
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BMX XXX (2002)
Concept: BMX x Topless Girls SHOULD be dope, right? Unfortunately, the game was so bad that the nude character models were drowned out by the horrible gameplay.
Bounce Quotient:
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Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball (2003)Â
Concept: DOA Xtreme (the ancestor of Dead or Alive Paradise) removes all of the combat fluff from the DOA fighting games and strips things down to the bare essentials: dressing Kasumi in the skimpiest swimsuit that the ESRB will allow. Add in some gambling, voyeurism, and gift-giving, and you end up with every otaku's virtual dream come true.Â
Bounce Quotient:
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OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers (2006)Â
Concept: When's the last time you played a game where you control a bikini-clad Japanese cowgirl who cuts through hordes of zombies with a katana, covering herself in the blood of her victims? If your answer is "last week," then your lady most likely already walked out on you, which is why you're reading this "cautionary" list as a shopping guide instead.
Bounce Quotient:
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BoneTown (2008)
Concept: If you're really trying to NOT get laid one night, play this in front of your girlfriend. BoneTown is like Grand Theft Auto, but more "mature"—which ironically means that it caters to the needs of 13-year-old males. The player runs around farting while trying to have sex with every female in the game, and you level up by literally increasing the size of your avatar's balls. Okay, somehow we thought that video games x porn would work out a little bit better.
Bounce Quotient:
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Street Fighter IV (2008)Â
Concept: Modders of the PC version of SFIV embarrassed poor Chun Li and Cammy by creating some effective nude mods and skins. If your girl walks in on this one, tell her your game got hacked... just don't tell her that you're the one that did the hacking. Â
Bounce Quotient:
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Game: Soul Calibur IV (2008)
Concept: Star Wars character crossover be damned, this solid weapons-based fighting game built around the best jiggle physics engine in the galaxy—yes, even better than that of Dead or Alive. NASA engineers could learn from the (probably lonely) programmers who achieved the greatest technological feat since the Internet. And the game actually has an excellent combat system... because that's why you're reading this right now.
Bounce Quotient:
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RapeLay (2006)Â
Concept: By now, it's common for the phrase "wtf, Japan?" to appear somewhere on the Internet at least 5-7 times a week. But seriously: WTF JAPAN?!? The game was originally released about 4 years ago, but it only recently gained press notoriety here in the States. You play as a perv who wants to exact revenge on a girl and her family by sexually assaulting them. Forget the girlfriend thing—you can expect to have an FBI party van parked outside across the street after you start playing this.
Bounce Quotient:
NEGATIVE
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