Hammer Time!: Re-Casting The Thor Movie

Hammer Time!: Re-Casting The Thor Movie


What mere mortal dares play the god Thor in a movie?

Many douche bags have a god complex, but who among them is worthy of playing Marvel Comics' flying, hammer-wielding Norse god Thor in the superhero's upcoming big screen adaptation? Marvel and director Kenneth Branagh have reportedly decided that the man for the job is Chris Hemsworth. The Australian actor does a fine job playing James Tiberius Kirk's ill-fated father in Star Trek for like eight minutes, but is he ready to fill Thor's sandal-boots?

Maybe, but before filming starts, Complex would like to throw out a few fail-safe alternatives. Typically filmmakers could give a shit about who fans think should be cast, but we're sure Branagh will hear us out. Unless he wants to get hammered, that is.

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GREGG VALENTINO
• It's about time an openly steroidal circus sideshow act whose muscles have muscles is cast as a superhero. Do you really think those freaks are all natural? Their women have biceps for labia!

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MAGNUS SAMUELSSON
• Besides the fact that you can't even write the name MAGNUS! without caps and at least one exclamation point, this former "World's Strongest Man" title holder from Sweden actually possesses superhuman strength and size. He has to have superhuman strength just to prevent those massive stones of his from dipping into the water every time he hits the bowl.

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NICHOLAS CAGE
• Get him some virgin blood wrinkle cream, character-appropriate hair plugs and a leading lady love interest young enough to be his granddaughter and there's no action hero the corpse of cagey Nic can't play.

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TONY LITTLE
• Thor = muscles + hair. How could casting overlook the pony that rocked the world of late-night infomercial workout equipment collecting dust in your basement?

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ANYBODY FROM THE NORWEGIAN DEATH METAL SCENE
• We don't know if they can act. We just don't want them to kill us.

Tags: gregg-valentino, movies, nicholas-cage, thor
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