jonasbros1.jpg
It's only two months into 2009, and we've already seen a lot of suspect movies top the weekend box office chart'shit like Marley & Me, Paul Blart: Mall Cop and most recently, Madea Goes To Jail. If you're like us, you were absolutely crestfallen on each of those Monday mornings when you discovered you inadvertently missed out on "AMERICA'S #1 MOVIE!" Nobody wants to feel left out of the pop-culture convo; it'd be like not having an iPhone, or not Twittering, or not secretly getting off on tranny porn. Millions of Americans can't be wrong...right?

Well, here's your chance to avoid that feeling of disappointment next Monday. Those virgins up there? Yeah, they got a movie'Jonas Brothers: The 3D Experience'coming out today. You'd probably rather eat out OctoMom than buy a ticket, but know this: The whole U.S. will watch it, and it will be #1. Not swayed yet? Here's five more reasons you should watch the new Jonas Brothers movie...
<!--more-->
#5: SO YOU CAN LAUGH AT ALL THE JOKES IN THE NEXT SPOOF MOVIE.
scaryjonas.jpg
You know, all those gay jokes, fart sounds and incest gags will be exponentially funnier once you're really familiar with their work.

#4: GIRLS LIKE THEM. LEGAL GIRLS.
jonascamilla.jpg
Girls like Camilla Belle, age 22. She dates one of the Jonas brothers. We can't be bothered to look up which one, but suffice to say: He ain't hittin' it right. You could always go to the movie, swag-jack his steez and try to win a girl like her.

#3: WHO DOESN'T LOVE MUSICAL BROTHERS?
jonaskaneabel.jpg
There's just something magical about it. The Jackson 5. Nelson. Hanson. Kane & Abel. We can only hope the Jonas brothers also catch a cocaine trafficking charge.

#2: THE 3-D EFFECT.
jonas3d1.jpg
Ask yourself: What are you doing this Sunday afternoon? (FYI: It's supposed to snow in NYC.) Now picture this: Two bong rips, a ride to the Ziegfeld, a big fucking bucket of popcorn and a big fucking Coca-Cola, and...3-D glasses. Ever since that elementary school trip to Epcot Center, we learned that the lamest of lame shit can look cool in 3-D. Even the Jonas brothers. There are worse ways to spend 76 minutes, my dudes.

#1: AND MOST OF ALL, BECAUSE...
jonashansen.jpg
Uh...never mind.