Kevin James protects the proud cinematic tradition of movies that take place in malls.
Before malls, when people couldn't go to a single location to shoplift Ed Hardy tees, eat "Chinese" food, loiter and see the new Vin Diesel blockbuster, what the hell did they do? Masturbate furiously and paint cave walls with spunk, obviously. Civilization was achieved when one-stop shopping was invented, which is why so much fine art is dedicated to these capitalist holy lands.
The latest work to do so is Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Kevin James's new movie about an inept security guard who has to prevent robbers from ransacking his shopping center. In honor of PBMC and the future of mall art, Complex looks back at 10 of the best films to feature malls...
DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978)
• In his horror classic, George A. Romero made a statement about consumer culture turning people into mindless zombies. It's like he foresaw douche nozzles rioting 'cause they couldn't get their hands on a pair of Pigeon Dunks.
THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980)
• Jake and Elwood Blues demonstrate the proper way to deal with a scarcity of parking spaces in mall lots.
FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982)
• Women are a riddle wrapped in an enigma sandwiched by two "who the fuck knows." Pay attention as mall hustler Damone breaks them down and you'll be able to wrap all the above around the D. Problem solved.
BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)
• Logically, it makes sense that time travel pops off in the epicenter of futuristic civilization, the mall parking lot. It wasn't the only thing to pop off in the lot, either. Say hi to your mother for us.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger going commando on a bunch of mall cops'now that's what we call balls-out action!
BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (1989)
• After time traveling with totally awesome dudes Bill and Ted, Beethoven, Socrates, Billy the Kid, Sigmund Freud, Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln and Joan of Arc go to a shopping center and find out how completely fucking bogus their own mall-less times were.
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)
• The T-800 and T-1000 Terminators fill each other with hot lead in an unforgettable mall shootout. Every time we watch this scene people think we're packing steel. But no, that's just our erection.
• Kevin Smith's cult classic about shiftless youth teaches the "Stink Palm" revenge technique, which gives new meaning to chucking the deuce.
BAD SANTA (2003)
• Billy Bob Thornton and Tony Cox are the most memorable mall Santa and elf ever. Who don't molest children, that is.
DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)
• In Zack Snyder's remake, the dead move a lot faster, which comes in handy when they're hungry for sales on Black Friday.