We have reached the end of the inaugural season of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood and all I have are questions. Maybe they’ll be settled at the reunion, but since I’m not hosting, I doubt it. So I’ll just use this space here. Please tweet the cast this link, y’all, ‘cause I have to know some things.
My first question is for Masika: Why are you such a mean-ass bitch?
If you feel that question is gendered replace “bitch” with "asshole." Regardless, you are fucking evil, Masika, and I really want to know why. My follow up question is, “Do I need to call Iyanla to fix you?” Or better yet, Snoop Dogg, since he’s become the Dr. Phil of this franchise.
1.
Seeing as how Hazel E is psychotic over Yung Berg, Masika didn’t have to rub it in her face that she’s screwing Hazel’s imaginary boyfriend. Masika takes pleasure in other women’s humiliation. If Disney ever produces an animated movie called The Thots of Terror, I recommend Masika play the evil empress of Thotville.
Moving on to other terrible people, my next question is for Nia: What is wrong with you?
After Nia and her daughter were involved in a car accident, Soulja Boy rushed to be by her side. It takes a near-death experience for Soulja Boy to show he cares. Apparently, Nia having a miscarriage with the child they conceived wasn’t enough. At one point, Nia says, in the confessional, “That’s the man I love and I MIGHT spend the rest of my life with.”
Woman, get a grip.
When a man blocks you on Instagram after you have a miscarriage, no matter what he does after that, you’ve got to run away from him as opposed to what you did: get his name tattooed on your neck.
2.
In Fizz’s case, he has no choice but to deal with Moniece because he made a baby with her. The two met at the beach to talk. Moniece described the scene as “romantic.” She would, as she is pinning for Fizz to take her crazy ass back. Yo, if Moniece ever turned out to be a serial killer, I would not be surprised. Wait, let me shut up before she makes me target practice.
In any event, Fizz calmly expressed his concerns to Moniece and stressed the need for them to co-parent in peace. Fizz realizes that he’s stuck with this woman for at least another decade so he may as well suck it up and try to get along with her. Doing so will help stop her from spreading alleged lies about him “in the blogs,” and you know, probably stabbing him in his sleep while wearing a wedding gown.
Now, I do have a question for Fizz: Why are you still rapping?
when Snoop Dogg is the voice of reason, when do you decide to look at your life and your choices?
I mean, the verse I heard in the studio wasn’t bad, but I’m surprised he hasn’t tried acting. No, those B2K movies don’t count. I mean, he should go be the blue collar, light skinned savior in a Tyler Perry movie.
Wait, one more inquiry for Fizz: When you said “nanny,” did you mean regular babysitter or what? I saw someone on Twitter wonder aloud, “You got a nanny at your mama’s house?” Real.
Another reconciliation of sorts that happened last night involved Teairra Mari and Ray J, which one assumes is already done given Teairra’s last interview with “The Breakfast Club.”
But, last night, Ray J decided to once again seek to make amends with Teairra. After talking with Snoop Dogg—who he stressed was a real cousin instead of a play-play one—on Snoop’s podcast.
Yes, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta viewers, it’s the exact same shit they did with Stevie J and Joseline. I know Snoop loves this show and is the great uncle of hip-hop, but is he going to guest star on every franchise now? More importantly, when Snoop Dogg is the voice of reason, when do you decide to look at your life and your choices?
3.
Whatever. Snoop showed up at the showcase Yung Berg set up for Teairra Mari. Yes, Yung Berg set up a showcase for Teairra Mari. When Yung Berg is worried about the state of your career, you really have to wonder if the universe wants you to keep chasing this dream. The “showcase” was really just Teairra Mari performing the one damn song Berg produced for her and featured on the show one too many times.
To be fair to Teairra, she sounded great and the song sounded like a bop worth your 99 cents on iTunes. After Teairra finished her performance, she was greeted by Ray J “backstage” who presented her with a gift: a makeup bag.
Y’all.
Teairra Mari was touched by a makeup bag. That’s the kind of shit people only pretend happens on Twitter. They kissed and we ended the show with them driving into the sunset. I think we were supposed to be touched. Nah.
Okay, I have to end this with Hazel E.
Since she ran out of fake friends on the show, she moved on to Nikki. Once again, she complained about Yung Berg, and once more did I worry about her mental state. I don’t know if Hazel is getting her Meryl Streep on, but if she’s not, I need her to do me a favor and use some of this VH1 money to get a therapist. I need one, too, so maybe we can get a two-for-one Groupon.
4.
Hazel, Berg never led you on. You led yourself up and down, round and round Denial Road. That’s on you.
Hazel, those women were never your friends. You knew that.
Hazel, debasing yourself over Yung Berg for club appearances checks ain’t worth it.
However, Hazel is allegedly dating Katt Williams now, which actually sounds like a come up for her.
I’m tired, y’all. See you at the reunion.
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.
