THE KID MERO ON THE BEYONCE PHENOMENON

THE KID MERO ON THE BEYONCE PHENOMENONImage via Hip-Hop-N-More

The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from pop music to gestalt therapy, corn removal to fuel efficiency on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Camille Paglia, Olivia Newton-John, or the Society for Cutting Up Men. You've been warned.

YO BEYONCE IS A FORCE OF NATURE B. BEYONCE IS A PHENOMENON. MUTHAFUCKAS THAT DREAM UP CONSPIRACY THEORIES ARE THINKING UP ONE THAT INVOLVE BEYONCE RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE BEYONCE IS KILLIN THE GAME RIGHT NOW MY PALS. HOLD ON ONE SECOND LEMME GO ASK MY WIFE WHERE SHE HID MY DUTCHES HOLD ON I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

AIGHT IM BACK. YO LISTEN BEYONCE IS PRETTY MUCH THE MOST IMPORTANT POP STAR RIGHT NOW THIS MOMENT. HER TRAJECTORY IS VERY MUCH ON THE UPSWING WHEREAS JUSTIN BIEBER IS KINDA WANING BECAUSE HE IS OUT HERE IN THE SOUTH AMERICAN STREETS EATING HOOKER PUSSY WHICH AS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT HOOKER PUSSY (I MAJORED IN HOOKER PUSSY AT HARVARD SCHOOL OF HOOKER PUSSY & AGRICULTURE) I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT SHIT IS NOT THE WAVE. YOU SHOULD NEVER DO THAT B. YOU KNOW BIEBS WAS IN THAT BROTHEL LIKE "BABY BABY BABY OOOOH."

I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT LAST JOKE IT WAS BAD BUT I ONLY KNOW THAT ONE BIEBER SONG BECAUSE I AM THE PROUD OWNER OF A CAREFULLY GROOMED PENIS AND NOT A BALD VAGINA.

THIS AINT ABOUT BIEBER THO MY PALS. THIS IS ABOUT KING BEY AND HER IMMEASURABLE IMPACT ON SOCIETY. I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU HOW BEY IS KILLING IT AND I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN 3 POINTS THAT WILL ILLUSTRATE THIS TO A T. THEN IMA GO EAT AN ENTIRE TRAY OF BROWNIES BECAUSE I AM HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW. ALSO, BEYONCE IS A FEMINIST ICON I THINK.

1. SHE DROPPED AN ALBUM WITH 0 PROMO AND THE SHIT WENT VIRAL FASTER THAN THE BUS DRIVER DUFFING A BITCH OUTTA HER YAKI.

WHO COULD DO THIS RIGHT NOW AND HAVE IT WORK? BEYONCE MADE MUTHAFUCKAS SIGN NDA'S AND WORKED ON AN ALBUM AND "VISUALS" FOR HOWEVER LONG, NOT A WORD WAS UTTERED ABOUT THE SHIT THEN SHE DROPS AN ALBUM AND THE SHIT GOES DIAMOND IN 20 MINUTES. SHE DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO SELL A SMARTPHONE WITH IT TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. CONVERSELY MILEY CYRUS HAD TO SHOW HER LABIA IN PUBLIC SEVERAL TIMES AND ALSO BLOW MIKE WILL IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE A FRACTION OF THE SUCCESS. THINK OF ALL THE PUBLICITY STUNTS ARTISTS GOTTA PULL IN ORDER TO PROMOTE THEY ALBUM AND ALL THE MONEY SPENT ON MARKETING AND ALL THAT OTHER SHIT. BEYONCE MADE AN ALBUM AND DROPPED IT WITHOUT TELLIN NOBODY, LIKE SHE WAS MAKIN A SANDWICH AND NOT AN AWARD-WINNING SONIC ORGASM. SMH ALL HAIL.

BEYONCE IS A CERTIFIED MOVEMENT MOVING POP SONGSTRESS WHO SHUT DOWN THE SUPER BOWL. THE SUPER BOWL B. WHENS THE LAST TIME SOMEONE UNDER 50 DID THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW?

2. THE ALBUM IS KINDA FLAMES.

SO YEAH BEYONCE DID SOME TRICKERY WITH THE RELEASE DATE AND SECRECY AND SHIT BUT IF THE ALBUM WAS TRASH IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED. IF THE MUSIC WAS ASS IT WOULDA BEEN LIKE "OH SHIT HAHA YO BEYONCE SECRET ALBUM! INTERNET?!" THEN WE ALL WOULDA DOWNLOADED THE SHIT AND BEEN LIKE "YO THIS IS STRAIGHT WET BUM CAQUI, WHATS THE NEXT TRENDING TOPIC?" NIGGAS AIN'T TALKING ABOUT R KELLY ALBUM NO MORE AND EVEN THOUGH THAT PROBABLY HAS MORE TO DO WITH HIM BEING A WILD UNREPENTANT PEDOPHILE THAN HIS MUSIC I DON'T CARE CUZ I GOTTA FILL THIS SHIT UP AND I NEEDED SOMEONE TO COMPARE BEY TO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THO? BEYONCE IS A CERTIFIED MOVEMENT-MOVING POP SONGSTRESS WHO SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL. THE SUPER BOWL B. WHENS THE LAST TIME SOMEONE UNDER 50 DID THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW? AFTER JANETS TITTY MUTHAFUCKAS WERE GETTING WINGDINGS LIKE PAUL MCCARTNEY BECAUSE EVEN IF PAUL PULLS ONE OF HIS OLD GRANDMA TITTIES OUT NOBODY WOULD BE OFFENDED BECAUSE PAUL MCARTNEY IS BASICALLY A CARTOON VERSION OF MARTHA STEWART. HE'S PROBABLY THE MOST FAMOUS LESBIAN GRANDMA ON EARTH. BEYONCE MORE POPPING THOUGH. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT I THINK THE BLACK EYED PEAS DID A RECENT SUPER BOWL WHICH KINDA DISPROVES MY THEORY BUT FUCK YALL MAN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HIGH I AM RIGHT NOW?

3. THIS SONG RIGHT HERE. ENOUGH SAID.

BEYONCE: "ALL THE DIMES WE SLUNG"

A MOUSE JUST RAN ACROSS MY FEET B COMPLEX GONNA HAVE TO GIMME A RAISE B I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. *EATS KETCHUP SANDWICH FOR DINNER*

#KNOWLEDGE

RELATED: First Impressions of Beyoncé's New Album
RELATED: Beyoncé's Self-Titled Documentary, Parts 1 and 2

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