The 2013 MTV VMAs, Graded and Reviewed: The Good, The Bad, and The Miley

One small step for Moonmen, one big step for MTV-kind.

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Image via Complex Original
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It's all over but the ranting. Yes, the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards went down, and Brooklyn survived. So did twerking, kind of. *NSYNC reunited, Will Smith and family cringed, Kevin Hart made some bad jokes. There were performances, and there were awards, and Moonmen, and Taylor Swift GIFs for everyone.

But how did it stack up? Was it a bust, or a blowout? We've got answers, we've got takeaways, and we've got grades for all of it, too:

These are The 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, Reviewed.

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On The VMAs of the Past Few Years

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Thus, The Prospects for the Evening

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On Lady Gaga's Show Opening Boxhead Spectacular

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On Award Presenters

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Aside from Daft Punk showing up with Nile Rodgers and Pharrell? And saying absolutely nothing? And then giving an award to Taylor Swift? There was very little in that department to care about, which is too bad: The network that once paired Busta Rhymes and Martha Stewart can do a lot better than Joseph Gordon-Levitt presenting the biggest award of the night in a fake Mid-Atlantic accent, or A$AP Rocky's hilariously out-of-sync promotion of A$AP Ferg's Trap Lord (after a speech heralding Macklemore's contributions to gay rights).

Also, can you believe that Daft Punk's minimal appearence caused the shitshow that it did for The Colbert Report? Kind of a weak decision on their part. Then again, as Jason Gay from the Wall Street Journal cracked: It could've been anyone.

Jimmy Fallon's absurd screaming at Justin Timberlake aside, the award presenters were about as exciting as a dental cleaning. D-

Big Takeaway Interlude Number One: Shut Up About MTV and Music Videos

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On the Miley/Robin Thicke/Kendrick/2Chainz Performance

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On Yeezus's "Blood on the Leaves" Performance

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On Justin Timberlake's Vanguard Award Performance

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On Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Jennifer Hudson, and That Other Lady's Singing About Gay Rights

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Big Takeaway Interlude Number Two: Taylor Swift is Watching You Turn Her Into a Gif

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On the Brilliance of Drake's Massively Underrated Performance, But Especially Those First Eight Seconds

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Here's what Drake had to offer: Two songs, one of which was his nu-R&B jam "Hold On, We're Going Home" the other, low-burning summer hit "Started from the Bottom." He had fireworks, he did his silly Drake dance moves, we got crowd reactions from Rihanna and Taylor Swift dancing, he shouted out Birdman ("I see you Stunna!"), and he ended with fireworks. It was a totally competent, unsurprising, but ultimately solid performance.

All of this goes without mentioning the first eight seconds. Which were, to be fair, fucking glorious. Drake's new album cover has been mocked and maligned, it's been critiqued and meme'd. But Drizzy starting his performance as a mock-up of the album cover itself—the profile of his head, against a light blue sky? Subtle, visually stunning, totally unexpected, and fitting in all the ways an artist going out on a limb with an album cover like that can shift it into fifth gear.

But that's Drake, isn't it? He knows he's going to weird a few people out. That's okay, whispers the Drake Ethos: Either you get this shit or you don't, but if you don't, the rest of 2013's gonna be real, real long. For us, there's nothing but blue skies ahead, with Aubrey's massive dome in the middle, like an oversized mixed-race Canadian-Jew sun. And this all goes without mentioning the stunned look on Jaden Smith's face, like he had just seen the Arc of the Covenant, or that his dream of accepting Rabbi Drake and the church of OVO as his salvation from Scientology was actually a tangible possibility—whatever that look was, this shit was life changing for Jaden Smith, whose father was once Fresh Prince.

That's so real.

Comeback season, indeed. A-

On the Final Performance, Katy Perry's Shadowboxing Match Under The Bridge

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Big Takeaway Interlude Number Three: On That Whole 'Brooklyn' Thing

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On the Way It Turned Out

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