Oh, but the internet was on fire last week. First Eminem's Relapse leaked, then Nick Carey Cannon caught feelings about some of Em's lyrics about Mariah Carey. On the track "Bagpipes from Baghdad," Marshall goes in on his alleged ex-jumpoff and her present husband:

...Mariah whatever happened to us? Why did we have to break up?/All I asked for was a glass of punch!/You see I never really asked for much/I can't imagine what's going through your mind after such/A nasty break-up with that Latin hunk/Luis Miguel—Nick Cannon better back the fuck/Up, I'm not playin', I want her back, you punk/This is Hello Kitty bedspread satin funk/Mixed with egyptian with a little rap and punk/Zapp and Eric Clapton, Shaft, Frank Zappa, crunk/And yeah baby i want another crack at ya/You can beat me with any spatula that you want/I mean I really want you bad, you c*nt/Nick you had your fun, i've come to kick you in your sack of junk/Man I could use a fresh batch of blood/So prepare your vernacular for Dracula acupunct...

Not even that harsh, especially in comparison to the psychosexual gorefest that is much of Relapse. Regardless, though, Nick blacked out on his blog, coming out of pocket with all kinds of threats (physical and otherwise) toward Em, even going so far as to compare Mariah to Michelle Obama and Oprah. (Even though he pulled the post in a matter of hours, you can still read it plenty of places, including here.) And that's all we've heard of it so far...UNTIL NOW! See, when you have two celebrities on Twitter, chances are shit's gonna boil over. And boil over it did. Thankfully, we follow all the parties involved, so we were able to record the whole confrontation as it went down.* Don't say we never did anything for you...

*and by "it," we mean "this totally false fictional account of what we wish had happened for satirical purposes only please don't sue us Jimmy Iovine"


nickcannon Has anyone heard this Eminem joint? I love it! I mean I hate it! He's the GOAT! Except I'm about to intimidate him into taking this song off his album! Wait, no, I'm gonna say I will, then pretend I never said anything!

eminem *tap tap* Hello? I'm new to this twitter shit, does anyone know how to make a chainsaw noise? Is there like an emoticon or some shit?

nickcannon @eminem There you are slim lamey! LOL!

nickcannon *takes shirt off*

nickcannon *blows away*

eminem WHO IS THIS? IS THIS A CELEBRITY? I HATE CELEBRITIES!

nickcannon @eminem it's your worst nightmare bitch! and that's not just the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. And yes I capitalized Creatine, what?! I'ma be Creatine an asswhuppin'!

nickcannon Oh SHIT, that's a hot line, I better
write that down. @mariahcarey baby, i need some paper, u got some paper?

mariahcarey @nickcannon baby, you know your allowance day isn't until saturday.

nickcannon @mariahcarey no, i mean...ah, forget it

docdre @nickcannon Dog, you do NOT want to do this. trust me.

nickcannon @docdre shut up Dre!!! if i wanted to talk to you i'd leave a few more dozen voicemails asking you to sell me a track!

docdre @nickcannon srsly man, have u seen me recently? i look like an almond sitting on top of a sack of pumpkins.

nickcannon @docdre I guess no one told you I'm nice in the ring! I've been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years! *kisses biceps* *misses*

docdre @nickcannon yeah, well, i'm nice in the...i'm...Em, I need to go in on this dude. Gimme somethin' real quick.

eminem @docdre You got a long Uz' and you carry it all day.

docdre @nickcannon I got a long Uz' and I carry it all day!

eminem @docdre I'm triple platinum doing 50 a week still!

docdre @nickcannon Em's triple platinum doin' 50 a week steel!

eminem @docdre STILL! Doin' 50 a week STILL!

docdre @eminem my bad, homie. these trapezius muscles are blocking my ears like a muthafucka.

nickcannon Marshall, I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What's next?

eminem @nickcannon dunno, guess you could actually be good at any of the things you do?

eminem @nickcannon wait, sorry, that didn't sound psychopathic enough.

eminem *scribbles in notebook*

eminem @nickcannon "Testicle twista, Lunesta digester, bespectacled Lecter/with ether and chloroform i'll deform your fleshy erection"

nickcannon my what now?

eminem I'M PHIL SPECTOR WHEN I DRILL AND FILL RECTUMS/l'M THE SPHINCTER WRECKER, RESURRECT YOUR CORPSE AND THEN SEX YA!

nickcannon @eminem is there something you want to tell me dog?

OfficerRAWSE @eminem Tell me too, you monkey-ass honky. Yeah, I said it! Contradictions don't mean shit to the BAWSE! Marinate on that one before I come see you with these long-ass Bambi eyelashes!

OfficerRAWSE *blinks*

OfficerRAWSE *flattens midsized city*

eminem @nickcannon Man, i haven't been out of the house in four years. I feel like starting some beef! Who's on Dawson's Creek right now?

iamdiddy I LOVE YOU ALL LET'S GET IT! THIS FEUD IS GETTING ME OPEN LIKE CASSIE'S VAGINA! STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT, THOUGH, OR I'LL TELL MY INTERN TO THREATEN YOU WITH A CEASE AND DESIST!!!!! LET'S GOOOO!!!!!!

nickcannon @iamdiddy Man, what's good with a deal? We're both empire builders! U got Sean John, I got that hot PNB Nation shit!

eminem I got Shady Ltd! My shit is hot in predominantly Latino neighborhoods! Hook up a sleeveless Shady Ltd. hoodie with some Paco jeans and you're good 2 go! Vamanos!

iamdiddy Oh shit vamanos!! I'm totes stealing that shit money!!! Come see me in the shark section!!! THAT'S THE CASSIE'S VAGINA SECTION!!!! VAMANOS!!!!!!!

TheRealCashis Yeah man!!! That Shady shit makes a nice warm blanket too!!! Makes this park bench feel like the Radisson! *holds up WILL RAP FOR FOOD sign with @BobbyCreekwater*

nickcannon Fuck Shady, man, I got that form-fitting shit. Haven't you admired my physique on Wild 'N' Out?

nickcannon I mean Wild 'N' Out the sketch comedy show, not the drag parade.

eminem @nickcannon "Man, don't tell me about drag parades/that's a fag capade, an ass cavalcade/it gets me just about aroused enough to say/I don't understand why people think I'm halfway gay"

nickcannon @GLAAD Holy shit, are y'all hearing this?!

GLAAD @nickcannon We've thought this for years, believe us.

RapRadar DID YOU HEAR THAT EM LINE? THAT SHIT IS THE HOTNESS! KILL YOURSELF! NICK CANNON IS A LAME! OL' CHOPPA SUIT WEARIN ASS NI**A! YOU WANT SOME MORE FIVE-MONTH-OLD WEB REFERENCES? GET AT US! HA! FREE YAYO!

VibeMag @RapRadar You tell 'em! You're the king of this internet shit!

nickcannon @RapRadar man, fuck y'all. my wife is a strong black woman. angela davis ain't got shit on mimi!

mariahcarey @nickcannon u tellem baby. get at 'em on youtuuuuuube!

nickcannon @mariahcarey yeah u like that right baby? ur like sojourner truth mixed with bai ling and angela merkel!

mariahcarey @nickcannon ...i don't think all those women r black, baby.

nickcannon @mariahcarey neither are you baby! ur part german prime minister and i love you for it! really though, can i get my allowance now?

eminem Where's Nick Lachey? What is this American Idol shit? I NEED ENEMIES!

nickcannon *turns to the side*

nickcannon *disappears*

RapRadar Ha! Hold on, lemme get the flip cam out and film my laptop screen. Ha!

eminem HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PETS.COM SOCK PUPPET I'M GONNA LOCK HIM IN MY BASEMENT AND SODOMIZE HIM WITH THIS @STATQUO CONTRACT!!!

nickcannon Argh! *does 3 pushups* *poses*

eminem @nickcannon "hey nick cannon watch my dick spit dannon/don't be hurt that's just that yogurt splurt that sticks to your lips, cap'n"

nickcannon Man, forget it. I can't believe you're actually giving me a leg to stand on.

TheRealCashis *dead*

TheRealCashis *actually dead of malnutrition*

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