In case you haven't noticed, we have a candy corn-fingered, 71-year-old toddler running his mouth and our country at the same damn time. How we got here, I'll never know. Lies: I know exactly how we got here. It starts with "white" and ends with "supremacy."
Be that as it may, pending an impeachment, we're stuck with Dotard Drumpf until at least 2020, if not beyond. (If we put ourselves in that position again, so help me Based God...) That means the most we can do at this point is hope and pray for a fire candidate to come through and take the Donald out in three years and some change. Because times are extraordinarily dire, presidential hopefuls are already making themselves known—and I'm not just talking about politicians.
Given the fact that we have a "celebrity" in the White House, it seems likely that another pop culture figure would have just the right amount of star power to leapfrog over him and propel the American people toward a truly great future. Thus far, rappers, actors and even basketball team owners have thrown their names in the hat, while others have been nominated by citizens desperate for a change. Here's a rundown of those figures, ranked in order from most to least likely to burn the country to the ground.
Don't get me wrong: his heart is in the right place. As a guest on Ellen, shortly after his epic series of Twitter rants, 'Ye explained that he had big, big dreams as a creative.
"I feel that if I had more resources, I could help more people," Kanye said. "I have ideas that can make the human race's existence, within our 100 years, better." Ye went on to explain how he could do that through fashion.
"I'll sit there with Obama and Leo[nardo DiCaprio]'s talking about the environment and I'm talking about clothes and everyone looks at me like, 'That's not an important issue,'" 'Ye told Ellen. "But I remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. I called the head of Payless. I'm like, 'I want to work with you. I want to take all this information that I’ve learned from sitting in all these fashion shows and knocking on all these doors and buying all these expensive clothes, and I want to take away bullying.'"
A hell of a goal, indeed. But given 'Ye's not-so-great history of public stability and heavy scrutiny for various media faux pas, it probably won't go down.
This week, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban went on a mini-promo tour and expressed that he was interested in joining the race in 2020. While speaking with CNBC's Fast Money, the billionaire investor and entrepreneur said he's "actively considering" a run for the presidency.
"Based off what's happening in the White House, based off what's happening in the country and the world, we need better leadership," Cuban said. "And I think I could do a better job."
"But there's a lot more to it than just thinking you can do a better job," he continued, "So I'm not ready to make the commitment." There's also the little obstacle of his wife's complete objection to the idea, which made Cuban ultimately say there's a "90 percent chance" he won't run.
That said, we're probably all better off. Cuban, a wealthy, white billionaire, doesn't exactly have the strongest connection to his largely diverse, average-to-poorly paid constituents. Oh yeah: he also has shitty politics.
The founder of Facebook apparently doesn't control nearly enough of our lives, so he wants to be president, too. While he hasn't come out and said so explicitly, political experts and general busybodies have picked up on the fact that Zuckerberg is making some suspiciously campaign-like moves. In addition to hiring a slew of former pollsters and managers from the Obama campaign, Zuckerberg is also traveling across the country for a yearlong "listening tour," in an attempt to meet with leaders and constituents from all 50 states. He's even
pretending he's not an atheist anymore saying religion is "very important." And to document the trip? Zuckerberg handpicked Charles Ommanney, a photographer for both the Bush and Obama presidential runs.
Sounds heeeella campaign-y to me.
But, remember that thing I said about Cuban—the wealthy/white/disconnected thing? Yeah... that again.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
Former WWF-turned-WWE superstar and current Hollywood blockbuster "it" guy Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a man of many talents. He can wrestle, he played professional football, he can act—hell, he can even sing a little. Lucky for us, he likes to stay busy and challenged, meaning he has considered running for office.
He joked about it in May while hosting SNL, but then he got serious. In a profile for GQ, Johnson talked about that transition. "A year ago, it started coming up more and more," he said. "There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, 'Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.' I didn't want to be flippant—'We'll have three days off for a weekend! No taxes!'"
When asked flat-out if he would consider giving up his life as the highest-paid movie star on the planet, Johnson said, "I think that it's a real possibility."
The Rock has been through hella walks of life, is incredibly relatable and likeable, and is fine as frog hair, which will absolutely be a factor among female (and male) voters.
Oprah runs this country, whether we wanna acknowledge it or not. She has since the days of her infamous talk show, but we might as well make it official, right? In a conversation for Bloomberg earlier this year, David Rubenstein posed the question: "Have you ever thought that, given the popularity you have, we haven't broken the glass ceiling yet for women, that you could actually run for president and actually be elected?" The mere mention of the idea prompted immediate applause from the audience.
"I never considered the question even a possibility," Oprah admitted. But post-Trump, things have changed. "I thought, 'Oh, gee, I don’t have the experience, I don’t know enough.' And now I'm thinking, '... oh.'"
The possibility of a President Oprah was brought up again just last week, when Oprah herself tweeted an article about her potential as a world leader:
But she shot that down, via a rep who depressingly said, "She was just thanking the reporter, she is not running for office."
Who better to right this sinking ship of a nation than the woman who stood at the side of this country's greatest all-time leader? (Yeah, I said it.) Calls for Michelle Obama to run for president began floating around after her husband wrapped up his second term. But things really heated up in 2016, after Trump became president-elect. Fans of Michelle hopped on every social platform imaginable and begged the former First Lady to consider running in 2020, to undo the damage that will hopefully not be irrevocable once Dotard vacates the White House premises.
Both she and her well-informed husband have addressed the possibility, though in conflicting ways.
Barack was particularly...direct. At an event at a Louisiana high school last January, an audience member asked the former president if voters could somehow convince his wife to run for the White House herself. "No, no," Barack said. "No, no, no... no, no." As if that wasn't clear enough, he elaborated on the grand unlikelihood. "Let me tell you, there are three things that are certain in life: death, taxes and Michelle is not running for president. That, I can tell you," he said.
While speaking at a conference in November last year, an attendee brought up the subject with Michelle herself, by yelling what everyone was already thinking:
Man: "Run for president!"— Nerdy Wonka (@NerdyWonka) November 14, 2016
First Lady Michelle Obama: "Be quiet back there."
She's so AWESOME.pic.twitter.com/c0rhENOLTg
Hey, Michelle. Three years is a long time. You still have plenty of time to plan out your run. We'll be waiting for you.