Five Weeks, Five Blowouts: The NFL Continues to Suck on Thursday Night
A quick look at the five NFL Thursday Night Football games that have begun the 2014 NFL season.
You probably watched tonight's Vikings-Packers "showdown" or at least you were watching in the first half before you realized how bad the Thursday Night game was (again) before eventually flipping the channel. Not that you should've expected much when it's Aaron Rodgers vs. Christian Ponder, but you know, a single digit margin would be nice.
Anyway as we said this is now a trend (which actually goes back several years) that almost certainly correlates with NFL players getting three days to prepare and (more importantly) heal from nagging injuries that'd have most all of us calling in sick. Here we take a look back at the first five Thursday night contests of the season in hopes of saving you some free-time in the evenings during the coming weeks.
You probably watched tonight's Vikings-Packers "showdown" or at least you were watching in the first half before you realized how bad the Thursday Night game was (again) before eventually flipping the channel. Not that you should've expected much when it's Aaron Rodgers vs. Christian Ponder, but you know, a single digit margin would be nice.
Anyway as we said this is now a trend (which actually goes back several years) that almost certainly correlates with NFL players getting three days to prepare and (more importantly) heal from nagging injuries that'd have most all of us calling in sick. Here we take a look back at the first five Thursday night contests of the season in hopes of saving you some free-time in the evenings during the coming weeks.
2014 Season Kicks-Off: The defending champs blow away the NFC North favorites.
Seattle Seahawks: 36
Green Bay Packers: 16
Telling stats: Total Yards (SEA: 398, GB: 255), Rushing Yards (SEA: 207, GB: 80)
The new season kicked off in Seattle, and the biggest story of the night was whether or not Aaron Rodgers blew off a post-game handshake from Richard Sherman, because there was nothing during the actual game worth talking about. As far as openers go, this was actually slightly better than the previous seasons (let us not forget Peyton Manning's 7 TD performance against the Ravens). If you think about it, this game actually undercuts our intro hypothesis due to the seven-month break Green Bay allegedly had to prepare, which makes us change our theory to something along the lines of: The Cosmos simply want Roger Goodell to look like a gigantic dumbass.
Week Two: No Ray Rice...oh wait, who cares?
Baltimore Ravens: 26
Pittsburgh Steelers: 6
Telling stats: Penalty yardage (PIT: 75, BAL: 35), Turnovers (PIT: 3, BAL: 0), Total Redzone Efficiency (2-8: 25%)
The big story heading into the season's second week revolved around an elevator, a domestic dispute and an outraged public. Thankfully nothing cures a Ray Rice hangover like the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Ravens coasted to victory in an ugly game that had its share of wretched penalties and made us wonder which college teams were playing that night.
Week Three: Just terrible.
Atlanta Falcons: 56
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 14
Telling stats: Score after three quarters (ATL: 56, TB: 0), First Downs (ATL: 26, TB: 10), Total Yards (ATL: 488, TB: 217), Total Turnovers (9), Total Penalty Yards (160), Receiving Yards (Julio Jones: 161, TB: 179)
A few weeks ago we asked if this was "the worst game ever" which seemed like a fair question until tonight. If you missed the game, here it is summarized in one GIF:
The one redeeming moment of the contest appeared to be Devin Hester setting a new NFL record for career return touchdowns. But that jubilation was short lived for the same reason that you wouldn't celebrate beating Peter Dinklage in a game of one-on-one.
Week Four: The Giants play up to their name.
New York Giants: 45
Washington Redskins: 14
Telling stats: First Downs (NYG: 31, WAS: 17), Turnovers (NYG: 1, WAS: 6), Total Penalties (18), Time of Possession (NYG: 37:17, WAS: 22:43)
This at least looked like a compelling matchup, as we were pretty certain that both teams sucked. Actually, we still think that, but it's evident that one team sucks far more than the other. The goat of the game was none other than Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins (pictured above) who threw four interceptions which was met with derision from Washington fans as well as a sigh of relief from RGIII.
Week Five: The Packers get their Thursday night revenge.
Green Bay Packers: 42
Minnesota Vikings: 10
Telling stats: Well, just look at that fucking score.
We had a feeling that Christian Ponder v. Aaron Rodgers wouldn't be a game for long, but we were hoping that the Vikings would stay within, say, 41 points after three quarters. Nope...that didn't happen. We set our Thursday night bar too high. We should know that these games are destined to suck by now, but who the hell are we kidding? We'll still be watching next week. If only for plays like this:
And also to bet the "over."