25. Super Mario series
Thirst Level: 0.5
The damsel in distress archetype has been repurposed for many different movies, video games and other mediums of storytelling. And the Super Mario series is no exception. But sometimes we wonder: Why would Mario risk his life going through four different worlds to save a princess from a half-turtle, half-demon hybrid? Some thirst had to have been there. Sure, we can be naive and believe Mario did what he did in the name of love. But come on, son: Mario was probably trying to clean the princess' pipes.
24. Resident Evil: Code Veronica
Thirst Level: 3.25
A zombie apocalypse--wait, scratch that. A zombie and other monstrosities apocalypse, can bring people together. We've seen it over a dozen times: The Walking Dead, Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead. But Steve Burnside's "love" for Claire Redfield seems a bit unbelievable. For one, he just met this girl, and he doesn't even get the opportunity to spend more than a day with her. (A normal, and non monster-infested day at that.) He's irrational at most times in the game, acting as the hero to impress the far from helpless Claire. It's cool Steve: our thirst level would be significantly higher if we were surrounded by flesh-eating monsters, too. No need to drop the "L" word.
23. Tekken series
Thirst Level: 3.25
Kuma II's love for Panda is a lot more believable, considering he's been chasing her for quite some time now. But the thirst is there and Kuma II has no problem acknowledging it. Too bad Panda doesn't feel the same way. In Tekken Tag Tournament 2 she uppercuts him high into the sky for allowing his thirsty-ness to get the best of him. But even after that Kuma II will probably keep trying. Man, talk about Panda-whipped.
22. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II The Arcade Game
Thirst Level: 3.75
When you save April in the arcade version of TMNT II, a cutscene portrays the computer programmer giving one of the turtles a kiss on the head, followed by the words, "I owe you one." What she means is obviously open to interpretation. But we'd like to think she meant this in a very thirsty way, which is somewhat weird considering she'd be doing the dirty with a turtle. But hey, who are we to judge? (Read in Juicy J voice) We say no to turtle loving; Ms. O'Neil can't.
21. Dragon Ball Z video game series
Thirst Level: 5
The old man thirst is very apparent with Master Roshi. Although the DBZ video game series doesn't play around with Roshi's perverted persona as much as the TV series, it still appears every once and awhile. One memorable moment is in Dragon Ball Z: The Legacy of Goku, where Goku happens to discover what is assumed to be one of Roshi's dirty magazines. Although Roshi can still get in the ring, maybe the bed is the only place that can actually kill him. He is 430 years-old, after all.
20. Metal Gear Solid series
Thirst Level: 5.25
Where do you think Solid Snake got his watchful eyes from? There are multiple moments in MGS3: Snake Eater, where you're able to view Eva "Big Mama" Tatyana's beautiful body, through the eyes (halfway through the game it becomes eye) of Big Boss himself. And at the end of it all, in complete James Bond fashion, Big Boss finally gets what he wanted. Operation Thirst Quencher, completed.
18. Bully
Thirst Level: 6
The adolescent thirst is arguably the worst level of thirst there is. And poor, little Jimmy had it bad. Stealing girl's underwear, watching girls shower, making out with girls. Jimmy's thirst was so real that it would probably make our 13 year-old selves look like angels. Obviously, Jimmy needs to be in a "Thirst 101" class, and then maybe we'll see some progress.
17. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Thirst Level: 6.25
Ok, maybe adolescent thirst isn't the worst. Catalina's special brand of temperamental thirst is actually very bad. (And as we've seen with CJ, could lead to death.) One moment she wants to kill our anti-hero; the next, she's demanding him to love her. It's surely a lustful love because immediately after completing a few missions with her, she leaves us for the mute criminal, Claude. We guess it was good while it lasted? (No, no it wasn't.)
16. Sonic Adventure, Sonic Adventure 2
Thirst Level: 7
Similar to Kuma II and Panda, Amy Rose's thirst goes unnoticed by Sonic. It's honestly pretty sad: she's always by Sonic's side and even fearlessly goes out of her way to help him. Maybe Sonic does notice Amy's advances, and has been collecting rings since 1993 to make her one overly large and priceless one. That's probably not the case, but we're "Team Amy" and we want to see her happy. (Or at least with someone who'll embrace her thirsty-ness with open arms.)
15. Dead or Alive series
Thirst Level: 7.5
Zack's thirst would probably work in his favor if he wasn't so eccentric. The outlandish clothing, the varied hair styles and colors. It took Zack three tournaments to finally find someone as eccentric as him (Niki), but it's unknown if they're even together anymore. Oh well: Maybe you could build another island for the ladies, eh, Zack?
14. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Thirst Level: 7.9
Most times, Mr. Vercetti handles his thirst like Solid Snake: controlled and with wit. But every so often he can get lost in a strip club, and lose half of his earnings to half-clothed women. (That is, if we make such a decision for him.) Mercedes would probably help you out, Tommy. Or at least give you a discount. Regardless, a more financially reasonable alternative should be used for your thirst-related problems, Mr. Vercetti.
11. Gex the Gecko series
Thirst Level: 8.95
Finally, a romantic thirst story that ends well! For the longest time Gex attempts to woo Agent Xtra, only to receive nothing in return. It's understandable: we would woo an ex-Baywatch actress, too. (Just in case you didn't know, Agent Xtra was played by Marliece Andrada.) However, your reptilian friend wins in the end, finally earning Xtra's affection in Deep Cover Gecko. You may call it bestiality or inter-species erotica. But we call it love.
10. Duke Nukem Forever
Thirst Level: 9.15
The Holsom Twins are the SUPER thirsty antithesis to the Olsen Twins. From their provocative schoolgirl outfits to their sexually suggestive jokes and puns, the Holsom Twins make it very obvious that they want to have sex with Mr. Nukem. Unfortunately, any future sexcapades between the three are cut short, when the twins are captured by aliens that use them to breed more aliens. At least the twins look at the bright side of the situation; before they die they tell Duke about their first (and last) time having sex with an alien. Seems like the Holsom Twins had a bad case of both THIRST OVERLOAD and THIRST BLINDNESS. (Once again, we care about your well-being and hope you never have to experience either one of these.)
9. Sengoku Rance
Thirst Level: 9.45
So, apparently this game is the eighth entry in a series commonly known as "Ransu," (Rance, in America) in Japan. The game also happens to be defined as an "eroge" role-playing game, meaning it features erotic content. So it makes sense that the series' protagonist, Rance, is a swordsman who's only concerned with sexual conquests.
In other words, he will only rescue damsels in distress if they are willing to help him with some stresses of his own. The dude's unabashed forwardness is so bad, that most of the women he encounters are frightened by him. Self-control, Rance. You should look it up some time.
8. Crime Fighter 2
Thirst Level: 9.5
When Crime Fighters 2 came to the United States not only did it receive a name change (it's commonly known as Vendetta here), but it also lost this group of enemies. It's understandable why: wearing nothing but leather these guys would hump nearly everything around them. The player you controlled, street lamps--these guys were nothing but humping enthusiasts. Keep your PDT (public displays of thirst) at a minimum, please.
7. Mafia II
Thirst Level: 9.65
Although Joe's fate is left unanswered by the end of Mafia II, there's one fact we know for sure: He was a ladies man. Unlike some of the other characters a part of this list, Joe could be both discrete and forward about his thirst.
For example: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put 'U' and 'I' together," and "Hey, do you know the difference between sex and conversation? No? You wanna go back to my place and talk?" Joe had an appetite for loose women and considering he was a fearless crime boss, he got what we wanted. Thanks for the pickup lines, Joe.
6. God of War series
Thirst Level: 9.75
If there's anything to take from Kratos' blood-drenched journey, it's this: The thirst for vengeance requires a sexual release every once in awhile. And as a Demigod Kratos requires two to eight women in order to achieve this much-needed release. Seriously, have you played Ghosts of Sparta?
During one part of the game you're allowed to have your way with eight different women who, judging by their moans, are unanimously pleased by the God of War. And what do you get in return? A lot of orbs and a brief moment of serenity. Hope you enjoyed that "Orb-gasm," Kratos.
5. Heavy Rain
Thirst Level: 9.83
So, maybe now would be a good time to briefly define "THIRST BLINDNESS." THIRST BLINDNESS is a condition that doesn't allow someone to think coherently. They're so thirsty that they don't realize they're either making an ass of themselves, or they're making irrational (and even harmful) decisions.
In the case of Paco (and a few other people who have appeared and will appear on this list), he doesn't realize either of the two. He's so blinded by the thirst that he actually considers it acceptable to point a gun at Madison Paige, and force her to strip for him. You should know better than us, Paco: Bands will make her dance. Not guns. (Although, obviously, you could make the argument that guns make women dance. But it probably intensifies the mood, and not in a good way.)
4. Mass Effect 3
Thirst Level: 9.89
Kelly Chambers' thirst is one of the most drastic parts of this list. It starts off romantic: a few flirtatious conversations here, some shared fish-feeding responsibilities there. Chambers and Commander Shepard inevitably share a special moment in the Captain's Cabin, but depending on a certain decision you make in Mass Effect 3, Chambers may end up killing herself. The power of the thirst is real, y'all.
3. Custer's Revenge
Thirst Level: 9.95
Even to this day Custer's Revenge is a controversial game. This is mostly due to its portrayal of General George Armstrong Custer as an 1800's Ron Jeremy. Custer is nearly naked; he wears only a pair of boots, a bandana and a calvary hat. But it's not the attire you'll notice upon first glance.
Once the screen boots up you'll quickly realize that General Custer is sporting an abnormally large erection, that upon successfully dodging an arsenal of flying arrows, will be pleasured by a captive Native American woman. Regardless of which version you play, Custer's thirst is unjustifiable. He's obviously suffering from the most severe case of THIRST OVERLOAD. Come on, Custer: Think with the head above your waist. Not the one below it.
2. Fallout 3
Thirst Level: 9.98
Dave's thirst is so uncontrollable that he has two wives. His reason? To "re-populate the land of Dave so they could grow and soon own all of the Capital Wasteland," as Dave's first wife, Rosie, puts it. And judging by how many children he has (six) this excuse seems believable. But the guy definitely sounds like he has his head up his ass.
A town named after himself, two wives and a community that treats him more like a deity than a president, Dave's thirst for power is almost as strong as his thirst for, well...you know.
1. Leisure Suit Larry
Thirst Level: 10
Mr. Laffer has earned our "Mr. Thirst" award. Since 1987 Larry has unsuccessfully tried to seduce attractive women through the most mediocre methods. He's been on the thirst hustle for so long that it's simultaneously commendable and pitiful. You would've thought that by now, Larry had realized he and fate were not the best of friends.
But he continues to get involved in life-threatening situations, all for the sake of the thirst. Seriously, he even contemplates suicide in the first Leisure Suit Larry game, if he doesn't lose his virginity. Larry wears his thirst on his sleeve and for that, he earns our VTP (very thirsty person) award.
