This Is Why Your Team Won't Win the Super Bowl Next Year

Philadelphia Eagles mascot throws confetti fater Super Bowl LII against the New England Patriots at U.S. Bank Stadium.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 100-1

Why they won’t win it: Tyrod Taylor is average, Nathan Peterman is awful.

Whoever convinced Sean McDermott that his idea of benching Tyrod Taylor for Nathan Peterman in the middle of the season was good idea needs the pink slip. It only took five interceptions in his debut for them to realize that he wasn’t very good. The Bills are fresh off ending their 18-year playoff drought but it’s going to hard to get back to the postseason again without a good quarterback.

2017 record: 6-10

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 60-1

Why they won’t win it: They miss Chris Foerster…and their offense is a project.

The Miami Dolphins were a playoff team in 2016 when offensive line coach Chris Foerster was snorting lines. With a possible Jarvis Landry exit, Jay Ajayi on the Eagles, and Ryan Tannehill not playing football for two years, it’s going to be a long restructuring process for Miami’s new offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains.

2017 record: 13-3

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 5-1

Why they won’t win it: History.

The last time the loser of the Super Bowl made it back the following season was 1994. Sorry Pats fans, enjoy another AFC Championship. You’ll be ok without another ring.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 45-1

Why they won’t win it: New year, same story. Flacco is still not elite.

Joe Flacco must be enjoying life. He already has a Super Bowl ring and he finessed the Ravens into giving him an average salary of $22 million to be average. Last year, he had the second worst yards per game total and third worst quarterback rating of his career. That’s not why they pay you the big bucks, Joe.

2017 record: 7-9

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 100-1

Why they won’t win it: Delusional front office.

Imagine thinking you have a good head coach, despite the fact he hasn’t won a playoff game in 15 seasons. Welp, that’s the foolish mindset of the Bengals front office. Marvin Lewis is about to enter his 16th year with the Bengals so we know there’s only two scenarios for Cincy. Lose in the Wild Card round or go fishing after week 18. In the words of Kanye, “you ain’t got the answers” Marvin.

2017 record: 0-16

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 100-1

Why they won’t win it: The record should tell you enough.

Next.

2017 record: 4-12

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 40-1

Why they won’t win it: Jim Irsay is a wild man.

In additional to his tweeting nude photos, Colts owner Jim Irsay claims that Andrew Luck’s injury is all in his head. Calling out your best player isn’t the smartest thing to do, especially when he’s pretty much all you have.

2017 record: 4-12

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why they won’t win it: JJ Watt’s health.

It feels like JJ Watt has broken every bone in his body at this point. His injuries have stunted the Texans’ growth into the AFC contender we’ve projected them to be in the past. Here’s to hoping Watt returns to his former self and stays healthy. Also, how will Deshaun Watson play, coming from a torn ACL? 

2017 record: 10-6

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 18-1

Why they won’t win it: Jalen Ramsey’s mouth.

Jalen Ramsey is the best trash-talking player in the NFL. While he's backed it up in his young career so far he’s due for humbling soon. He has a target on his back now. Just ask Josh Norman, who we haven’t heard from in awhile.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 45-1

Why they won’t win it: Reality will catch up.

The Titans were one of the worst playoff teams in NFL history. They had a -22 point differential during the regular season, yet somehow got themselves to the Divisional Round. They’re not as good as their record showed and they’ll come back to Earth next year. Just wait on it.

2017 record: 5-11

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 40-1

Why they won’t win it: Vance Joseph is not having the time of his life anymore.

Shoutout to Sergio Dipp for the greatest sideline reporter moment of all-time. But seriously, Vance Joseph isn’t going to have anymore fun unless he finds a respectable quarterback.

2017 record: 10-6

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 30-1

Why they won’t win it: The start of the Patrick Mahomes era.

Yes, the Chiefs won the trade between the Redskins that sent their starting quarterback Alex Smith to Washington but who’s going to take the snaps now? Patrick Mahomes? If so, you’ll enjoy your season next year Chiefs fans. (That was sarcasm.)

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 35-1

Why they won’t win it: They can’t fill a soccer stadium with their own fans.

The move to LA was cool and all for the Chargers but it’s pathetic when opponents’ fanbases outnumber your home crowd and your home stadium only holds 30,000. You’re not going to win a Super Bowl playing 16 road games.

2017 record: 6-10

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII:

Why they won’t win it: Jon Gruden is not worth $100 million.

History says that after a hiatus away from coaching, winning coaches in their second stint struggle to match or exceed their winning percentage in their first stint. Gruden has been away from coaching for nearly a decade, yet got a 10-year, $100 million deal from the Raiders. You think that he’s going to waltz into Oakland and bring them a title immediately? Nope.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why they won’t win it: Dak is overrated and Dez can’t catch.

When Ezekiel Elliott began serving his six-game suspension, we saw the true colors of Dak Prescott. It’s not a dynamic duo. Zeke and the offensive line make the Cowboys go. No need to debate Dez Bryant, he’s actually a trash No. 1 receiver. Just go look at his numbers from last season.

2017 record: 3-13

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 66-1

Why they won’t win it: They’re a damn drama TV show.

The Giants were practically in the headlines almost every week, even as a 3-13 team. Whether it was Odell Beckham's contract or “over the top” celebrations, Eli Manning getting benched, players’ disapproval of Ben McAdoo or Eli Apple being labeled as a “cancer” by Landon Collins, the Giants were a disaster. If the Giants draft a quarterback, that’s going to add more fuel to fire as the timer on Eli's career in New York will officially begin.

2017 record: 13-3

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 10-1

Why they won’t win it: Foles won’t be the QB.

The Eagles miraculously found a way to bring home the Super Bowl with their backup quarterback Nick Foles at the helm. Foles was lights out in the NFC title game and just as good in the Super Bowl. Carson Wentz, who should regain his job in training camp, has yet to play in a playoff game. No Foles, no repeat.

2017 record: 7-9

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 66-1

Why they won’t win it: Alex Smith…duh!

The Redskins traded their slightly above average quarterback for another slightly above average quarterback. Although it avoids overpaying Kirk Cousins, Alex Smith is 34 years old and Redskins gave up a promising talent in Kendall Fuller. They were a 7-9 in 2017 and they’ll be around that same mark in 2018.

2017 record: 5-11

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 100-1

Why they won’t win it: Isn't it obvious?

Prime Brian Urlacher and Walter Payton couldn’t help this team win a Super Bowl.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 45-1

Why they won’t win it: They blew their chance.

The Lions have come a long way from their 0-16 season in 2008 but let’s be real: they’re the third best team in their division. They just gave up their best chance to make it deep in the playoffs. Aaron Rodgers was hurt and the Vikings were led by their third-string quarterback.

2017 record: 7-9

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 12-1

Why won’t they win it: Too reliant on Aaron Rodgers.

The Packers can’t function without Aaron Rodgers. They were shutout twice without him and they had to take the Browns to overtime. The Browns. The 0-16 Browns.

2017 record: 13-3

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 12-1

Why won’t they win it: “Skol” is the corniest chant of all-time.

Vikings fans are passionate but “Skol” is the best you guys can come up with? Throw that is the trash.

2017 record: 10-6

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why won’t they win it: Georgia sports don’t win major championships.

It’s not meant to be, Georgia. The Hawks are trash. The Falcons blew a big lead in the Super Bowl last year. The Georgia Bulldogs blew a lead in the National Championship earlier this year. Just learn to embrace your participation and runner-up awards.

2017 record: 11-5

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 23-1

Why won’t they win it: Cam Newton needs a little help.

Cam Newton is pretty lucky he’s not dead. The amount of times he’s dropped back and taken hits to the head in the past few years is amazing. It doesn’t help that Newton’s receiving corps is filled with scrubs. Get the man some help.

2017 record: 11-5

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why they won’t win it: Ted Ginn Jr. is still on the roster.

Ted Ginn Jr. somehow tallied over 787 yards receiving this season. The first wide out in NFL history to put up those numbers without any type of hands.

2017 record: 5-11

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 40-1

Why they won’t win it: Jameis Winston’s pregame speeches.

Jameis, what are you doing, bro? If Jameis Winston continues to have pregame speeches like this, the Buccaneers will probably go 0-16 next year. Just look at the face of his teammates during the speech. 

2017 record: 8-8

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 45-1

Why they won’t win it: Senior citizens on offense with no quarterback.

If you told me an offense had Adrian Peterson as a second option and Larry Fitzgerald on the same offense, I would be amazed…if the year was 2007. Blaine Gabbert isn’t going to cut it, either.

2017 record: 11-5

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why they won’t win it: Drinking tap water in Mexico City.

The Rams play the Chiefs in Mexico City next season. My guess is the Rams won't follow directions and you know the rest.

2017 record: 6-10

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 20-1

Why they won’t win: Jimmy G is the truth but the squad around him isn’t ready.

Jimmy Garoppolo injected life into a dull and troubled franchise at the end of the year and while he may be ready to compete at a high level, the personnel around him probably is not.

2017 record: 9-7

Odds to win Super Bowl LIII: 25-1

Why they won’t win: Ciara is going to wear out Russell Wilson.

The effects of Ciara might be kicking in already. Wilson actually believes he can play 15 more years in the league. With that offensive line? Insanity. He’s about to one, two step himself into a coma if he tries that. I’ll see myself out.