Image via Complex Original
Obviously, Orange Is the New Black doesn't capture exactly how prison is. If it did, there'd be a lot more people trying to get in. It seems like fun! Sneaking around the guards, making buddies, falling in love, yoga classes, and such, what's not to love? Yeah, you might get clobbered with a combination lock or piss off the warden enough that she makes your life hell; and sure, you don't get to spend time with your family, set your own schedule, or have the joys of the outside world. But you do get three meals a day and you have a lot of time to get creative.
Orange Is the New Black is like a wet dream for mini-MacGyvers. Nobody says prison life is easy, but these little life hacks might make your day go a little more smoothly. So, grab your toilet wine and read the list because, if you're ever caught in a jam or a jail cell, some helpful household products can go a long way.
Hope Schreiber is a freelance writer and recently incarcerated for being too beautiful. She tweets here.
RELATED: What to Look for in Season Two of "Orange Is the New Black"
RELATED: Everything You Need to Know to Watch "Orange Is the New Black" Season Two
Lighter Out of a Battery and Foil
Forget going to college for Engineering, you yuppie. According to our research, the fastest way to build something that might make a difference, or at least your life a little easier, is to go to prison. And, face it, getting into prison is a lot easier than paying back your student loans. Plus, getting a job is just as hard after graduation as being an ex-con anyway.
To make the infamous prison lighter, all you need is a battery (Orange is the New Black shows an AA, but any battery will work really) and some gum wrapper or foil from a cigarette pack. Attach one end of the wrapper to the negative side of the battery, and then just connect the other end to the positive. Bam! It's the easy to light a cigarette, become an arsonist, or simply start a camp fire in a pinch with your flashlight batteries.
Sure, it'd also be a cool bar trick, but then you'd have to carry around a battery and people would be like, "So, you just carry a spare battery around or do you always do this to impress people?"
Maxi Pad Surgical Mask
There's a lot of stuff you don't want inside of your lungs, or it just simply smells rank enough that you don't mind strapping a (clean) feminine hygiene product to your face. Like, if you scorn someone who just wants to be your prison wife and she takes a leak on your bunk floor, strap on a maxi pad and clean it up.
Kool-Aid Hair Dye
Kool Aid is much more than a sugary sweet drink that kids love and prisoners can buy. It's easily used as a hair dye. If Red's stash of outside imports ever washes up, Kool-Aid will stay in a person's hair for four to five washings.
Mix a whole package of Kool-Aid with a few drops of conditioner to make a paste and add some warm water. Let it sit for 30 minutes. If you've ever been a wannabe punk in middle school, you probably already know that trick.
Kool Aid can also be used as lipstick, if you add some Vaseline to the mix.
Tampons as Hair Curlers
We're not exactly sure how real hair rollers work, so tampons as hair curlers may just be a cute photo op. But, in a pinch, you'll probably find any way you possibly can to look fabulous.
Tampons for Your Hidden Stash
Using a tampon applicator to hide something small like a cigarette is so genius it's bound to be the next thing banned at high schools. It's so genius that there's no way people won't use this Orange Is the New Black lesson when passing through security at the next summer music festival.
Roll up your hand-made cigarettes or joints and place it in an empty tampon applicator. It doesn't have to be used the way it is in the show. In fact, it's probably preferable if it isn't. The girls in prison have to leave the wrapper open, which guards can spot, but we suggest using a hair straightener or an iron to re-close the open plastic. Then there's no way of telling that the tampon has already been open. You're welcome, future felons.
Maxi Pad Cleaning Supplies
Another excellent example of the versatile maxi pad. It's super absorbent, so slather on some Lysol and get to scrubbing your floors. You've seen commercials that show you pads picking up like 16 gallons of blue liquid, so you know it easily handles any mess. Maxi pads are pretty much perfect for cleaning.
A Friend's Hair as Hair Extensions
You don't have to be rich to get beautiful hair extensions. Do someone a favor, like Taystee does for Piper, and ask for some luscious locks in return. Simply have the hairdresser snip some of it off and attached it onto yours. Done and done. Or threaten someone for their hair, that works too. Cut it in their sleep from the back of their head. They'll never know.
Instant Coffee as a Beauty Product
As Morello explains, instant coffee tastes like ass anyway, so you might as well use it for something else. In her case, she uses instant coffee as eyeshadow, probably mixing the grounds with a little water and adding baby powder to make it more solid to apply to her eyes.
In other cases, coffee is used in a lot of home-made face masks. Treat yourself to a spa day. Add some coffee grinds to cocoa powder and milk until it forms a paste, add in some honey, and stir it up. Place the mask on your face and let it dry. You'll have plenty of time to think of exactly where you went wrong in your life while you're waiting to wash the mask away, along with the shell of the human you used to be.
Duct Tape Haute Couture Flip-Flops
There are horror stories about people leaving prison with full-body yeast infections. That's not a joke nor an exaggeration. Would anyone, in their right mind, want to chance walking on a shower floor in prison, barefoot? Not even Crazy Eyes would do such a thing.
If you're waiting for some money to clear so you can buy goods like flip-flops from commissary, forget your shower shoes at home and plan on going to the gym, or you're simply poor, the best makeshift waterproof flip-flops are designed out of duct tape.
Unlike Piper, who used a maxi pad design, which just soaked up water (but are very useful for other purposes), Sophia shows off her handmade couture duct tape flip-flops. They're waterproof, sturdy, and kind of fabulous. Head to the kitchen and grab a cardboard box, cut out the shape of your foot, and use that as your base. Duct tape around the cardboard so the only separation from the disgusting fungus-covered floors isn't just a thin layer of duct tape. Creating the straps is just as easy as rolling the tape.
Potted Plants as Storage
Red's system of using smaller pots in larger pots to hide items is pretty brilliant, as long as an amateur gardener doesn't roll in and comment on the wrong size pot for a small plant. You can put whatever you want in there, but you'll probably put more plants of the illegal variety in the hidden compartment. Who doesn't like to hide their most important greenery?
