Before "Elysium," the Best Video Game Cyborgs Capable of Beating Matt Damon in a Push-Up Contest

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is making robotic cops, selling non-military drones to local law enforcement, and its mechanical death cheetahs will soon be replacing RAs in all college dorms starting in 2015.

The future is now, and quite frankly it seems as if we are well and mighty fucked. The majority of us will be left behind on a used-up Earth trying to figure out how our media jobs can translate into survival skills in a post-surplus planet. Elysium opens today and will serve as a succinct commentary on the illusions of a utopian society and the catastrophic effects of the global division of wealth.

You know what would help with all of that? A cybernetic exoskeleton fused to our musculature. That's what Matt Damon is using to storm the ramparts of Elysium. Cyborgs have long been a mainstay of pop culture and science fiction. Video games have also seen a nearly endless cast of cyborgs over the years. As we round up some of our favorite, we ask the important question: Could any of them beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest?

Also, just so we're all clear here:

cyborg: a being with both organic and cybernetic parts

android: robot or synthetic organism designed to look and act like a human

Which of your favorite video game cyborgs do you think should be on the list?

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Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Machine-gun arm

Can we get one? Only in Florida.

Game appearance: Final Fantasy VII

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Damon has two hands and neither of them are a machine gun, so, yes.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Mechanical right arm (maybe more)

Can we get one? Are you a ghost/space ninja/samurai cyborg? Then, no.

Game appearance: Anything withTekken written on it.

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Damon would be roundly fucked. Yoshimitsu is basically a nightmare version of a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Eye and retconned Australian accent

Can we get one? This is more realistic than swapping your arm for a machine gun.

Game appearance: Mortal Kombat

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Damon + Exosuit < Kano.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: All internal organs are alien tech.

Can we get one? You got a lead on some off-world biotics?

Game appearance: With robot guts? Mass Effect 2.

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Shep trounces Damon.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Gas-propelled grappling hook for an arm

Can we get one? Tell us if you know where to cop one.

Game appearance: Bionic Commando

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Damon loses because when a white guy has dreads, we all lose.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: If it's not his face, it's store-bought.

Can we get one? South Korea has a model slated for 2025.

Game appearance: Metal Gear Solid

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Matt could win by boring Gray Fox to death by talking about his anti-fracking film, Promised Land. But then Gray Wolf would remeber he's a ninja and that would be the end of that.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Everything from the neck down

Can we get one? Do you really wanna look like the lead singer of Hawthorne Heights?

Game appearance: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Raiden would win by whining like the lead singer of this shitty screamo band.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: You're basically Walt Disney's severed, preserved head.

Can we get one? You wanna look like a shitty locomotive on two legs?

Game Appearance: Bioshock: Infinite

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Handyman would pull out Damon's still beating heart.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: His entire nervous system and weapon prosethics

Can we get one? Hell, no.

Game appearance: Injustice: Gods Among Us

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? The guy's name is Cyborg and his junk is an old laser-disc player. He's understandbly angry. Rage blackout beats exo-suit.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Nanotechnological and biomechanical augmentations that includes prosthetic limbs and eyes

Can we get one? You won't get Jensen's chisled jaw line, so why bother?

Game appearance: Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Jensen has retractable forearm blades, so, yes.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Everything needed to give him augmented strength, speed, vision, and durability

Can we get one? You probably wouldn't survive the process.

Game appearance: Halo

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? If John-117 can bench press a Warthog, Damon doesn't strike us as much competition.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Everything that's not coated in a giant candy-bar wrapper of vat-grown skin

Can we get one? Are you capable of time travel?

Game appearance: More Terminator games than we care to count.

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? Push-ups are a T-800's default setting.

Cybernetic bits in place of flesh and blood: Everything minus some face skin and brain

Can we get one? Do you remember how Alex Murphy turned into RoboCop? Fuck that.

Game appearance: A bunch of RoboCop video games.

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? I'd bet on these two like a Haitian cock fight. We're going RoboCop.

Cyberneticbits in place of flesh and blood: Eye, hand, and lungs

Can we get one? Maybe if you qualified as a Vietnam II veteran.

Game appearance: Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon

Could it beat Matt Damon in a push-up contest? They'd start doing push-ups and end up teaming up as this generation's Tango and Cash.