10 Absurdly Pathetic Moments From "The Bachelorette" Season Nine

Michael doesn't get a rose, so he calls his mom to have a cry.

When: Episode 7

The situation: Michael is eliminated in the rose ceremony before hometown dates. Pack your bags, bruh. Des isn't hugging up a snitch.

The moment: Michael's parting words to Des include "no girl is going to be able to match up to you," and "I'm sort of glad this is happening now. My mom would have loved you and then it would be my heart breaking and hers." This is a clinic on how not to break-up with someone, especially within the context of The Bachelorette. These guys need to understand the end game. Chiefly, if you're able to come across like a decent human being on the show, you'll have your pick of beautiful restaurant hostesses and auto show models when you get home. All you really need to do is NOT call your mom crying. And yet.

While in the limo, Michael says, "I'm tired of having my heart broken and being rejected by women I'm falling in love with." Then, he calls his mom sobbing. "Here we go again," his mom says. That's not hyperbole; his mom has actually been through this ordeal with her 31-year-old son so many times that she's sick of him. "I just don't know why this keeps happening to me," Michael concludes.

We know exactly why it keeps happening you, Michael. You're the douchiest contestant on The Bachelorette, which is like being the fattest person in Wisconsin. You're an adult and you should stop telling on other adults, bragging insufferably about being an attorney, and spending most of your waking hours in a gym or tanning booth. In sum, your life's mission is locking down a woman, but, ironically, that kind of toxic effort only fills the air around you with the scent of desperation. Loosen up, we're only trying to help.

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