Walking used to be the shit—you know, back when mankind's ancestors grew feet and walked ashore on all fours. It was equally huge when they then made the move to two feet. But modern man—and our legs, which, through the genius of technology, have become inert extensions of our lazy, crater-forming asses—are over that. Why walk when it's possible to roll out of bed and take a Segway to an escalator to a moving walkway to a golf cart to a car to an elevator without ever having to risk pulling a hammy?

A lifetime of putting one orthopedic shoe-clad foot ahead of the other is a step backwards. And if we're gonna be forced to do that, we might as well just march right back on into the ocean and see how that works without those gills we graduated from so long ago.