The 25 Worst Cop Mustaches In Movies

As it turns out, clichéd police mustaches aren’t shackled to age. In Assault On Precinct 13, a much older Brian Dennehy can be seen rocking a white 'stache with pride. Unfortunately, due to Dennehy’s rotund figure and nasty disposition, this made the veteran actor resemble a Wilford Brimley-esque walrus, rather than an intense law enforcement official. This just backs-up the notion that there should be a mandatory facial hair age limit in this country.

We don’t know which is worse: Bruce Willis’ bad rug or the mustache that looks like it was swiped off of the face of a high school janitor. Either way, the former John McClane looks like he has seen better days in 16 Blocks. We sure hope Willis and the production team got back the 50 cents they spent on getting this mustache out of the Shop-Rite vending machine.

The only thing worse about Paul Blart: Mall Cop than Kevin James’ cringe-worthy performance is the ludicrous mustache he had to rock for the role. Unlike most 'staches on this list, James’ facial hair doesn’t make us laugh, which is unfortunate, considering how lame the rest of the jokes in this flick were.

What RC Cola is to Coca-Cola, Burt Reynolds’ mustache is to Tom Selleck’s legendary lip-tickler. Sure, they look similar enough, but upon closer inspection it’s evident that Reynolds' 'stache is a paltry imitation of the facial hair institution resting under Selleck’s nose. Reynolds may have been a sex symbol in the '70s, but by the time he played a middle-aged police officer in Cop And A Half, he and his 'stache just looked worn out.

Let’s face it: Any movie starring Martin Lawrence is simply going to be godawful, but when you throw Steve Zahn in the mix then you have a real recipe for a future bargain-bin title. And if the stars of the movie weren’t bad enough, Zahn’s mustache is pure torture to look at for the flick’s 90-minute runtime. Police officer or not, there is no excuse for sporting this type of hideous 'stache.

Where to begin? Channing Tatum may be a B-list actor but his mustache is clearly on the D-list. This bit of lip-fuzz spits in the face of famous mustachioed men of the past, such as former President William Taft and Sonny Bono. In fact, we’ve seen females who work at the DMV that have thicker mustaches than what Tatum is sporting here. If the quality of a movie is measured by the facial hair that is featured in it, then we don’t hold out much hope for The Son Of No One.

No matter how great the Lethal Weapon movies are, there's no getting around how bad Danny Glover’s mustache looks in every installment in the franchise. It seems to exist for the sole purpose of letting the audience know that Glover is playing a tired cop who's too old for all kinds of shit, but unfortunately it makes him look about 20 years older than he actually is. This is one of those instances where a full beard would make a much better alternative to the 'stache.

There is no doubt that Gary Oldman perfectly captures the tough-as-nails attitude of Jim Gordon from the Batman comics, but unfortunately his scruffy mustache makes the future Commissioner look more like Ned Flanders than Gotham City’s most heroic cop. We suggest that the Dark Knight give his friend some Bat-clippers so he could take a few inches off the ol' whiskers.

It’s painfully obvious that Robert De Niro has been phoning in all of his performances since the mid '90s, but his Cop Land mustache is an insult to facial hair everywhere. It's not bad enough that it's scruffy and incredibly cheesy looking, but it also makes De Niro look weak for the first time in his career. When you bear more of a resemblance to Bob Hoskins in Super Mario Brothers than an actual Lieutenant on the NYPD, you know your movie is in trouble.

Holt's role in SWAT is insignificant, but his mustache is clearly the standout in the otherwise terrible film. This onion-skin-thin bit of facial hair should barely even count as a ‘stache considering that you need an HDTV just to see the damn thing, but trust us, it’s there. It’s always a bad sign when you manage to look like a bigger douche than your co-star, and world’s biggest tool, Colin Farrell.

Not to be outdone by Channing Tatum’s half-'stache, Al Pacino’s cookie duster in The Son Of No One is so scraggly that it puts Kurt Vonnegut to shame. Sure, the dude has looked pretty unkempt for the better part of the decade, but we thought Pacino could have at least put a little care into his appearance in order to play a member of the NYPD. At this point, we think Pacino should do the right thing and put his mustache in a facial hair retirement home, along with Peter Fonda's sideburns and George Romero's ancient goatee.

This little gem comes to us straight from Bollywood, the land of 1,001 bad mustaches. Singham boasts not only Ajay Devgan sporting some lip-fuzz worthy of a Nevada highway patrolman, but also a supporting cast with 'staches as thick as kielbasas as well. Behind the times, Bollywood is apparently just now getting into the Magnum P.I. mustache phase. And for that, we envy it.

Memento was a pretty trippy movie, complete with a mind-bending plot and non-linear narrative. But the most confusing aspect of this flick is how anyone let Joey Pants leave his trailer sporting that bizarre paint brush under his nose. He’s supposed to be playing a plainclothes officer in the movie, but that mustache screams “cop” about as loudly as flashing a badge around town.

We’re not going to lie, Kurt Russell simply looks ridiculous as the legendary lawman Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. It's very apparent that Russell’s overly-manicured Hollywood good looks clash mightily with such an outlandish piece of facial hair. This 'stache is so over-exaggerated that it would be better suited on Yosemite Sam, rather than on a flesh-and-blood actor. We hope someone in Hollywood's fake mustache union got fired for this blunder.

Here’s a quick tip for aspiring actors: If you’re overshadowed in a movie involving Sam Jackson, Bruce Willis, and Jeremy Irons, be sure to grow as loud a mustache as possible in order to steal some attention from the stars. Sure, most people don’t remember much about Larry Bryggman’s performance as NYPD Inspector Walter Cobb in Die Hard With A Vengeance, but no one with two working eyes will forget the ridiculous push broom under his nose.

Nick Nolte is the most disheveled-looking man in Hollywood, which is a major accomplishment considering that Philip Seymour Hoffman exists. For Q&A, Nolte appears in all his unkempt glory, even worse than his infamous mugshot. The funny thing about this role is that he’s actually supposed to look professional in it, but his outlandish mustache just makes him look like an unbalanced nut job with a couple dead bodies in the trunk of his car.

If there is one thing that True Grit has taught us, it’s that Matt Damon’s face isn’t meant to grow hair. This ‘stache doesn’t look like something that sprouted up in the old west, but rather something that a porn star was forced to grow in order to hide a fresh batch of herpes. In fact, Damon is about one pair of assless leather chaps away from being a full-fledged member of the Village People in this movie. We sure hope there is a Special Edition Blu-ray of this movie that will digitally remove this atrocity from his face.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a picture of Sam Elliott where he looks a day under 60, so that furthers our theory that he was born with a full head of silver hair and a mustache thicker than Lou Ferrigno’s arm. And his facial hair was at its peak when he filmed the late '80s crime-thriller Shakedown. Not only was it bushy, but is also treaded dangerously close into handlebar territory. However, it didn't make him look like a stone-cold badass; instead, it just made him look like a deranged cattle rancher.

This is Wyatt Earp’s second appearance on the list and Kevin Costner wins easily by having the worst mustache of the two. Like Kurt Russell’s ill-fated attempt at the fuzz, Costner’s 'stache just doesn’t look natural. Unlike Russell, though, Costner doesn’t look nearly tough enough to pull it off. The man is about as intimidating as a baby Koala Bear, so no matter how thick he grows that mustache, it won’t be large enough to take him seriously.

It’s not quite a mustache and it’s not quite a goatee. Whatever you want to consider Brad Pitt’s facial hair from Se7en, it doesn’t change the fact that it looks like something a 17-year-old would try to grow in a desperate attempt to score some booze from the corner bodega. We expect much better from you, Pitt. Hopefully the next time you whine "What's in the box?" there will be a razor inside of it.

As far as we're concerned, Sean Connery comes in two versions: The James Bond look and the full-bearded elder statesmen look that he currently sports. Why anyone would make the famous Scotsman grow an unseemly mustache for his law enforcement role in The Untouchables is beyond us. The sad part is that if you were to slap a big white hat on him then he would look just like Chef Boyardee. That’s no way to treat one of the best actors of his generation.

This is one of the first on-screen examples of what has become known as the “cop 'stache.” And who better to introduce the mainstream to this tacky style than Jack Nicholson? Looking like it came off of a Groucho Marx costume kit, Nicholson’s Border 'stache is a perfect example of how a simple bit of facial hair can completely derail a movie. We dare you to watch this flick and summarize the plot to us without using the words “ugly” or “mustache.”

Narc is a criminally underrated movie, but Jason Patric’s hideous handlebar lip-fuzz is one of the biggest Hollywood facial hair debacles since Clark Gable’s pencil 'stache sexually harassed a production assistant on the set of Gone With The Wind. Not only does Patric’s mustache follow the cop cliché of “bigger is better,” but it also apparently grew so large that it eventually became part of the Screen Actors Guild.

Ethan Hawke’s career has included a veritable cornucopia of embarrassing facial hair. From faux beards to anemic goatees, hair just seems to not want to be associated with his face. But it’s his barely-there mustache from Training Day that really caught our eye. In order to be a cop you need to have three qualities: Toughness, intelligence, and the ability to grow a bitchin’ soup strainer. How can you hope to match the badass that is Denzel Washington when you lack all three?

It's basically impossible to find 15 minutes during Colin Farrell's life where he has not looked like a complete tool. Hell, he was probably born with a soul patch and a wool beanie on his head in the middle of summer. In Miami Vice, Farrell turned up the douchiness by slicking back his hair and growing an absurd mustache as a police detective from the Sunshine State (and alternating randomly between a Floridian, Texan, and Irish accent). It’s damn near impossible not to want to take a swing at the screen every time Farrell’s hairy mug is on it.