You're on your way to work, maybe on a subway or bus, and you're smashed against a man loudly chomping through an egg sandwich. His messenger bag pushes into your side everytime he wipes the yolk away from around his mouth. You don't want to go to work; it's Monday. You're irritable, and his messenger bag must be full of bricks because it's catching you right above the hip, the soft spot below your ribs, and it actually hurts. Without thinking, you give the dude a little shove and begin to run your mouth. Insults you didn't know you had in you come spitting out of your mouth like the spirit of Joe Pesci circa Goodfellas has possessed you. If things get real, one of you hits the other. Add someone with a camera phone and there you have it: a mass transit fight, caught on tape.
It might be the small space. It might be the fact that we take public transportation to go to places we don't want to be, i.e. work, or that we use it to get back from the bar rather than risk a D.U.I. Whatever it is, a crowded subway, train, bus, or ferry is a great place to witness, or participate in, a verbal or sometimes physical brawl. Now that everyone carries with them the technology to become a member of the paparazzi, we've seen an outbreak in mass transit fight videos.
Presumably mass transit fights have been happening since the advent of communal travel. Back when the ancient Greeks were ferrying around, you can bet that drunk and disorderly passengers chewed each other out, cracked jaws, and left people bobbing in the river Styx. Cowboys with days of stubble and little self-control must've slugged each other on top of stagecoaches in between shots of poorly distilled corn liquor. But we don't have video documentation of thse confrontations. However, we do have shaky footage from contemporary commuters who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
What you're about to witness are the best (worst?) of those altercations. If you're not into blood, casual racism/sexism, colorful language, and general trauma, this is not the list for you. Everybody else, dig in. This is Caught on Tape: The 50 Craziest Mass Transit Fights.
50. Suplex
Date: Feb. 2011
City: New York
We never thought in the process of writing these that we would find an opportunity to use the word "cool," but our inner boyhood WWF fan felt incredibly validated by seeing a body slam implemented in a subway fight. Even the subway crowd cooed a little bit before prying Macho Man's real life heir apparent off his prey.
49. All Stupid Everything
Date: March 2011
City: Hoboken, N.J.
There's something inherently embarrassing about getting sad or, in this case, righteously angry while you're wearing a silly-ass outfit. Like crying in your halloween costume, threatening someone while wearing green suspenders over a white top with matching green and white hair bows makes for pretty embarrassing stuff. Add drunk to the equation and you're in a serious credibility demolition zone. Even the Pepsi paid for product placement doesn't distract enough from how thoroughly she matches. Still, she does make for something close to intimidating when she pushes here way down the aisle to fuck that girl up. And it barely happens on camera, meaning you can forget about the grade school St. Patty's day get-up.
Well, that was an entire paragraph without making a New Jersey joke. Woo, that was tough.
48. Unfolding the Most Marvelous Game
Date: Nov. 2010
City: New York
In the wake of what was clearly a failed attempt to spit game comes a moment ripe for analysis. After reprimanding the dude in glasses for hitting on a female passenger, a bystander steps in to set the record straight. But what really happens is that he unwittingly lays his own problems bare. He's so worked up about how alone this girl is you can't help but notice how alone he is. He himself "ain't got no man." He himself is "going home from the city at three o'clock in the morning" by his own "goddamn self." And on top of that, he's crazy. Everybody else notices this, right?
47. Do You Got Prostitutes?
Date: 6:14 p.m., March 7, 2011
City: Philadelphia
"I got prostitutes."
In an argument littered with memorable statements, this one trumps all. And the bus driver, in a moment of total clairvoyance, senses that the moment has reached its peak and announces that the transit police are on their way shortly after the man drops this quote. He's like the dude who throws up the house lights after the last number.
46. "Like a turtle."
Date: May 2011
City: New York
There's poetry everywhere. After a heated stand-off that features heavy use of the phrase "my man," these two gesticulators move to separate sides of the train. Thankfully the argument continues, giving Silver Sport Jacket the opportunity to drop this bombshell: "You're walking in front of me like a turtle!" Give people a chance and you'll find that they'll surprise you. Actually, that's not right. How about: People are disappointing, but even disappointments can stumble into a nice analogy.
45. Standing on the Verge
Date: Jan. 2011
City: Los Angeles
What really makes this woman special is her apology to the bus driver. Before exiting and in the middle of a sentence she takes the time to do what's right with "I will fuck you up, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Punk bitch." But then again, everything about her argument is beautiful and exciting, especially when she tells her new enemy, "You ain't got no names, hoe," which she follows up with an epic shout out of, "What's my name, bitch?" like she's on Nick Cannon Presents: Wild 'N Out, and everyone on the bus is on the verge of ape shit.
44. Reggae
Date: March 2011
City: New York
The best moment here comes once you get past all the very pedestrian assault. You reach 1:08 and from the brutality a man in a red ball cap fades into the proceedings like an intrusive god. What's he the god of? Why, Fight Videos, Reggae Music, and Sexy Girls, of course. Bacchus, you just got demoted. A-RUM-PUM-PUM!
43. F*ckin' Wheelchairs—How Do They Work?
Date: Oct. 2009
City: New York
Miracles happen everyday, you just have to know which insults heal the lame. But beware: the same person who knows those insults will not hesitate to use their shoe as a weapon. Classic example of the proverbial double-edge sword right there.
42. Metal Gear Sadness
Date: June 2008
City: New York
When opportunity knocks, the dude in the red hat does not hesitate. As the women tussle, Red Hat snatches the unprotected purse and darts off at the next stop. This is sad. You're familiar with popular stealth games like Metal Gear Solid, the kind where you sneak about and stop terrorism? This is the opposite of that.
41. KO
Date: Jan. 2011
City: Washington, D.C.
Jump right to 1:18. Trust us.
40. Threat
Date: March 2011
City: Philadelphia
Literally, all this woman does, when she's not verbally dismantling people, is practice verbally dismantling people. She sits at home, in front of a mirror, and repeats: "There's gonna be two big days: my trial and your funeral."
And "I got two razors for your ass."
And "You're gonna be in jail for Christmas, bitch."
And "You ain't gonna blow out my candle so yours can shine brighter."
And "Don't be a wife beater, be a pussy eater."
And "I'ma slice you off the bone, I'ma bleed you like brakes."
39. The C-Word
Date: May 2010
City: New York
Mostly it seems like this guy should really put more emphasis on the word "cunt." It actually doesn't sound that bad coming out of his mouth. Under further consideration, everything coming out of his mouth sounds bad. Fuck it. Anyway, Jeter!
38. No Joke
Date: April 2010
City: North Lauderdale, Fla.
Real talk: after watching loads of these videos you become accustomed to the indistinct shouting that typically soundtracks a brawl. You press play on video after video only to witness more physical violence backed by shouts and screams that top out the tiny recording equipment in the camera phones of the onlookers. You get used to that, and then you watch something like this, where the absence of sound is absolutely chilling.
Okay, back to the jokes.
37. Jimmy Smits
Date: Dec. 2010
City: New York
Ever wonder if you could take a cop in a fist fight? Wait for a charity boxing match or something. These guys couldn't and though I'd say the second did fairly well, you can only go so far doing the stupidest thing available to you. But hey, it's on YouTube!
36. A Lesson Is Learned But The Damage Is Irreversible
Date: Jan. 2011
City: Austin
Learn something from this guy: when getting off the bus to defend your manhood, don't get cocky and tell the people on the bus to "watch [your] shit." They're gonna watch, alright—watch you get your ass kicked. Also, do not fight a guy who takes off his shirt to fight you (seems obvious, but still).
35. The Double Truth, Ruth
Date: Oct. 2010
City: New York
Most of the time the comments on YouTube videos like this are hotbeds for racism, sexism, and all the other things that try their hardest to convince you the world is a lost cause. And then you come across a video like this, where the comments are enlightening, and therefore life-affirming.
"I helped this woman off the train once. She has a poland springs water [sic] bottle full of vodka at all times. " Helpful.
"Looks and sounds like Macs [sic] mom from Its [sic] Always Sunny. True.
34. Just Another Night
Date: Jan. 2010
City: Phoenix
Better than any frat party we've ever been to. People were talking about J.D. Salinger. Short dude punches bearded dude in the face. Someone was put in a choke hold. There was cheering. Mostly dudes. Ok, now that we spell it out, it is exactly like every frat party we've ever been to. Just that this one is on a train.
33. Bloody Loco
Date: March 2011
City: New York
No man can put fucking fear into the heart of the widely recognizable Bloody Loco, but could a bear? Could a bear put fucking fear into his heart? Could a dinosaur? Or a clown? Who knows what fear lurks in the heart of Bloody Loco? We want answers. ASAP.
32. Brief Encounter
Date: May 2011
City: New York
How she thought it was going to go at 2:40:
Hoodie: "Bitch, you don't know me."
Attached to Hoodie: "I don't know you...but I want to."
Hoodie: "Well I just happen to have this hand free that I was going to punch your face in with. Maybe I could fill it with a clump of that yellow jacket."
Attached to Hoodie: "Uh huh. Then what?"
Hoodie: "Dinner. My place."
They still had their tender moments, though. They'll think fondly back on them whenever they're on the D next.
31. And the Oscar Goes To...
Date: Feb. 2011
City: New York
If there was an Oscar for Best Cinematography in a Mass Transit Fight Captured and Uploaded onto YouTube in a Feature Film, this film would win. It would win unanimously, every year, always. Because no one takes this shit seriously. Everyone's out there with a broke-ass flip phone, and they're surprised when a fight breaks out near them. And what they film is coarse and pixilated. Well, don't be surprised anymore. After all, we have 50 reasons making the case for why you'll someday be an observer to a mass transit fight. Be prepared next time.
30. I Might Gotta Take My Shirt Off
Date: Sept. 2010
City: Hoboken, N.J.
Someone is already shirtless before this video begins. If that's not the definition of a New Jersey brawl, then we have learned nothing about our country.
29. Disabled Man Gets A Beaten Off The Bus
Date: April 2011
City: Los Angeles
birdbuckle, in response to a comment from jewyboy4000, writes: "Laugh out loud?!!! You raise an autistic child for 37 years and I'll show you how to Laugh Out Loud."
There's nothing else to say, actually.
28. Chokeslam
Date: Aug. 2010
City: Hong Kong
Clearly this man studied under the Undertaker. Or possibly Kane. Actually, watching how he moves, we're also going to go with the Frankenstein monster.
27. Actions Speak Louder
Date: Oct. 2009
City: San Francisco
They may not exactly speak the same language, but their fists sure do (well, one lady's fist and one lady's palms). Despite landing the only punch of the fight, the comments mention something about her being shunned for losing a fight to an older Asian lady. Which is confusing because, as far as old ladies go, do they come any tougher?
26. You're So Vain
Date: Sept. 2007
City: Long Island, N.Y.
Is there anything worse than someone who fills their mass transit fight video with smug comments congratulating himself on being enough of a jackass to hunker down and voyeuristically/cowardly capture the pain of others?
Nope.
25. Service with a Smile
Date: July 2010
City: New York
These guys are all business. The air of professionalism almost makes you forget you're watching a beatdown, and a thorough one at that. But hey—at least they're polite enough to tell everyone that they've reached their stop. Now the other passengers can unpucker their assholes and start breathing again.
24. La Dolce Vita
Date: Jan. 2011
City: New York
If you were hoping that the guy with the camera singing the Indiana Jones soundtrack was going to get wrecked, you're not alone. How come the person with the camera never gets hit? Extra points for the couple walking out who feel like they are being papparazzo'ed. We're willing to bet no scandal will be printed in your name, but thanks for playing.
23. An Open Letter
Date: Jan. 2010
City: Seattle
It's so chivalrous of these guys to not lay a hand on the girl who is stomping the bejeesus out of that helpless 15-year-old. Just so damn chivalrous.
And to the racists who have taken precious time out of their days to fill the comment section with nonsense: thank you. You're valuable additions to the team.
Yours truly,
Sarcasm
22. The Definition
Date: March 2011
City: New York
sa·dism (noun)
2a: to delight in cruelty
2b: excessive cruelty
21. Space Is the Place (For Pain)
Date: Feb. 2011
City: New York
The astronaut is really just upset about the end of manned missions to space. He offered some freeze dried ice cream as a peace offering just after the camera stopped.
20. Welcome To Detroit
Date: April 2010
City: Detroit
This guy's main strategy for getting on the bus is to use his girlfriend as a shield and latch onto the driver. Things don't really heat up until the Indian leg wrestling match at about 1:26. After getting stomped on the head, the legs really start to fly in an intricate ballet of nudges and pawings. Everybody wants to leave the bus by now, except these two.
19. New York Cares
Date: Nov. 2010
City: New York
It's so nice when the community comes together (or circles around) a young man who just got punched in the face by a police officer to both ridicule and instruct him on how to better be arrested in the future (where to put your arms, how to lie down). New Yorkers are a helpful lot after all.
18. Expect the Expected
Date: Dec. 2010
City: Long Island, N.Y.
It comes hand in hand that the kind of people who will get into a fist fight on the LIRR are the same kind of people who believe from the bottom of their heart in right and wrong. And both these guys are right. They both deserve to be punched in the face.
17. The Sax Man
Date: Oct. 2009
City: New York
We're really excited about the Sax Man's upcoming album, featuring the smash hit "What If Something Else Goes Into Your Fuckin Ear?," along with the dance remix "What If a Knife Goes Into Your Fuckin Ear?" And don't forget the deep cuts like "What's Going in Your Stomach?" and "What's Going in Your Pocket?" Our personal favorite is "What Stop You Getting Off At?" but we plan on conceiving our first child to "Baby, Hold My Horn for Me."
16. Honor
Date: May 2011
City: Toronto
"What is your problem with women, that you gotta yell at the bitch?" (1:17) does not help your argument that you're not a wee bit of a misogynist yourself, brah. Just saying. But probably the best time to discuss matters like this isn't when you're (probably) drunk, on a train, coming back from whatever hipster dojo just spit you and your friends back into the world.
15. The Commentator
Date: Dec. 2006
City: N.Y./N.J.
thefoundation973 wasn't always such a natural mass transit fight commentator. He had to spend years in the alleys of cities across America watching bum fights, trying out calls of "Oh my" and "Is this really real?," the whole time feeling that he was on the verge of something truly special. Now we'll never be able to watch a fight without hearing "Oh shit" and "Whoa." He finally hit gold.
14. Do You Want To Know More?
Date: May 2008
City: Atlanta
There's a story here. "Soulja Girl," according to a report from Atlanta's WSB-TV, is actually Nafiza Ziyad, who was 25 when this was filmed. The old lady she screams on is Mary Freeman, mother to Rich Freeman, head football coach at Morehouse College. Ziyad is bipolar, and this incident led to her appearance on the cover of a 2008 issue of Newsweek that bore the headline: Growing Up Bipolar. We just thought you should know.
13. Police Story
Date: Oct. 2009
City: New York
If the cops really wanted to get to the bottom of things they would have interrogated the life-sized Gameboy, who is clearly up to no good. Also, you might be asking yourself why this is ten minutes long. It's ten minutes long because it's the only mass transit fight video that switches gears midway to become an investigation of presentations of the female body as it appears on Halloween. See below for a break-down.
0:27 - Pepper spray.
1:00 - Little Bo Peep argues for her brother's freedom.
2:10 - Gameboy appears.
2:28 - Little Bo Peep reveals that she is pregnant, is also threatened with pepper spray.
4:02 - The Foot Locker employee administers first aid to the man who was pepper sprayed.
4:50 - Boobs.
5:10 - A moment of silence.
7:50 - Booty.
9:10 - Grinding.
12. Everyone Hates Chris
Date: Jan. 2008
City: New York
Why does everyone seem to know Chris? Why do his two lady friends seem uninterested in the fight? What happens when the camera gets stuck off the action? Who is the Bird Man, cooing off screen? Call up the CSI crew; we're onto something huge here.
11. A Hero
Date: Jan. 2011
City: New York
It's not that he hated that lady, it's that he hated the choices she's made. He hates that her lungs are full of tar. He hates that her teeth have yellowed, that her hands are prematurely wrinkled. Motherfucker hates cancer is what we're saying.
10. Hitchcock
Date: Dec. 2010
City: Long Island, N.Y.
The hideous future for society that this clearly foretells notwithstanding, this unfolds in a highly cinematic way. Because we see the woman react to the guy's face before we see it, instantly there's a gnawing anxiety inflicted upon the viewer. "Oh my god," she yells. Her face is concerned in a satisfactory way. And then up he rises. "I love you. You're bleeding on me." That's kind of a sweet thing to say.
9. No One Is Playing
Date: Oct. 2010
City: New York
When a person's wig comes off as they physically assault a person, the last thing you should think is that that wig-less person is playing. Obviously, that person is not playing. They've been publicly shamed and are now going to hurt anything and everything, which is dissimilar to duck-duck-goose, a game that you play. Using your closed fist as a battering ram against another person's face doesn't strike us as analogous to freeze tag. Unless you grew up on a subway car and were raised by rats. In which case you probably enjoy some violent, violent fun. Duck-duck-duck-out-of-the-way-before-this-rat-person-chews-holes-through-your-cheeks.
8. In the Cafeteria
Date: March 2011
City: New York
Spaghetti is apparently a prerequisite for any food related fight. We think the woman scolded her for eating spaghetti without a spoon and a glass of red, but as the girl poignantly states at 3:17, "We the childs, she grown." Indeed.
7. Culturally, Historically, or Aesthetically Significant
Date: March 2011
City: New York
In this rehashing of the famous knife fight scene in Rebel Without a Cause, James Dean's character is played by a girl in a letterman jacket. The use of the chicken taunt is replaced with the removing of James Dean's character's wig, and instead of the fight being laughable and slow, this one is actually quick and upsetting. It's an interesting take, but we prefer the original.
6. The Golden Rule
Date: March 2011
City: Atlanta
The knightly sir who steps in after the Italian gentleman hits the woman he was arguing with puts it best: "You don't hit bitches, bro." Of course, the honorable phrase doesn't keep said ladies from climbing over the dog pile to get some pot shots in. Do to others...
5. Statistics Don't Lie
Date: March 2011
City: Los Angeles
It is a statistical fact that there is a positive correlation between the amount of shit a person is carrying and the probability that that shit-laden person is crazy. There are more specific permutations of this theory that involve accounting for the number of plastic bags on a person, the number of plastic bags within those other plastic bags, et cetera. But the foundation of the theory is generically about shit. How much, how crazy.
Of course, the great thing about crazy is that, in the cramped sweaty confines of a subway car, it's more contagious than the flu. Witness the outbreak at the two-minute mark.
4. Hates Minorities, Hates Clothes
Date: May 2011
City: New York
This is the closest anything comes on this list to resembling an animal loosed from the zoo type situation. Except he's not really an animal; he's just a racist who detests clothes. If anything makes this guy more angry than diversity, it's a shirt. And a pair of pants. And socks. And underwear. And it is surprising every single time when he gets bare-assed. It's always like: Nah, he won't do it. And then you're looking at his ass. (Warning: this is NSFW. If it wasn't already obvious.)
3. The Foot Fist Way
Date: Oct. 2010
City: Tokyo
This Japanese guy was really enjoying petting his new friends, but then they started to make unpleasant faces and butcher his language so he decided to only touch them two more times. Using the pole for leverage, he nails the American with the oh-so-soft hair with a swift kick to the face and a sucker punch. This sets the Americans off and so they hold his hand, help him back to his seat and give him some cool American hand gestures to practice in exchange for the greatest souvenir you can get in Japan, a black eye.
2. The Saddest Thing
Date: Jan. 2011
City: New York
This video demonstrates the three types of spectators to a mass transit fight: eggers on like the cameraman, who makes sure to hold the train up while catching all the bloody action; innocent bystanders whose reactions can range from annoyance to fear to indifference; and the interferers who benefit from what this woman does not have, mainly size, strength, and a calming presence. Everyone loses in this one.
1. Epic Beard Man
Date: Feb. 2010
City: Oakland, Calif.
Racist comment aside, maybe he shouldn't have tried to fight the roid-raging, Vietnam vet health nut known as Tommy Slick AKA Vietnam Tom AKA Tommy Bruso. Beard Man's little post-fight dance in the street will go down in history as one of the greatest. He's the Jack LaLanne of disgruntled bus riders.
For what some consider even more impressive than his pugilism, click here to watch an interview with Tom. For those who aren't unfamiliar, Tom is one of the most gifted speakers of the English language. As he puts it, it's "so pretty."