Where: The Rainbow Room, Rockefeller Center (New York)

Date: November 26, 2005

Songs Performed: Among others, "In Da Club," with the lyrics changed to "Go shorty/It's your bat mitzvah/We gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah." Couldn't make this shit up if we tried.

Other Guests: Oh, you know: Aerosmith, Ciara, Tom Petty, Stevie NicksDon Henley, and Kenny G. As performers.

The Swag Bags: Were reportedly worth upwards of $1,000 for each of Elizabeth's friends. And were jam-packed with iPods, digital cameras, you know, normal party bag stuff.

The Performance: The New York Daily News had what could only be described as a classic report on the matter:

At one point, I'm told, one of Fitty's beefy bodyguards blocked shots of his boss performing and batted down the kids' cameras, shouting "No pictures! No pictures!" even preventing Brooks' personal videographers and photographers from capturing 50 Cent's bat-miztvah moment. "Fitty and his posse smelled like an open bottle of Hennessy," a witness told told me, adding that when the departing rapper prepared to enter his limo in the loading dock, a naked woman was spotted inside.

Sorry, Fif. These pictures were bound to end up resurfacing. You don't just walk away with a $500,000 paycheck for five songs and expect someone not to take a picture.

The Ending: So by now, you're probably wondering where all that money came from, no? Try: Being a maker of bulletproof vests for the Iraq War, and not just bulletproof vests, but bulletproof vests that faced a recall. As for the proud father, David H. Brooks—a man who was once called "America's most ostentatious war profiteer"—he ended up being charged with a whole bunch of securities fraud violations and was later convicted of most of them. Goes without saying, but Fitty got to keep his blood money.