If "December 4th" sounds familiar, it might be because it's a Jay-Z song. And it's a Jay-Z song, as any rap fan can tell you, because it's his birthday. And today's not just ANY birthday, it's his big 4-0, so let us be the first (even though we're probably not) to wish Jiggaman a very happy birthday, and many more on Channel 4, and Frankenstein on Channel 9, etc. etc. etc. In fact, we've tried to pass the birthday tidings onto YOU, our loyal readers, by leaking the tracklisting from the surprise mixtape Jay's dropping tonight*.
See, with such a momentous occasion at hand, and as he gracefully transitioned into middle age, he realized that he'd be going through some changes in his life, as any aging man would. So he went back and re-recorded some of his greatest hits, with new titles and new lyrics, to reflect those changes. So read on for the tracklisting, and a sample verse that we were able to get our hands on. And again, Mr. Carter: happy birthday, and please don't dismantle our company after reading this. It's all love!
1. Polident As Usual
2. Blue Magic (The Viagra Song)
3. Empire Prostate of Mine
4. Is That Yo Bitch? For Real, Where Are My Glasses?
5. Nap Game/Crack Game
6. Moment of Claritin
7. 99 Puddings
8. Can't Knock the Shuffleboard
9. Never Change (Thanks to Depends)
10. Izzo (A.A.R.P.)
11. Can I Get A...What Was I Saying Again?
12. Pension, Social Security, Hoes
13. Bingo Boys (And The Winner Is)
14. Grandpop 4 Roc
15. Cholesterol Report
16. (Please Roll Me Out Into the) Sunshine
And the exclusive excerpt: the climactic third verse from "Combover," his updated version of "Takeover":
I might be walkin' with a - CAAAAAAAANE!
But that's only 'cause this bum hip bothers me whenever it starts to rain
I don't com - PLAAAAAAAAAAIN
'Cause you know that Rascal hot rod in the garage spit flames
Went from...zero to 10, to the streets and then
Bump right into your leg, make you drop your soft-boiled egg
Fell from bed once but it wasn't a bad fall
Cause this MedicAlert bracelet makes international calls
Matter fact I'm the fuckin' don of the senior home
So you know - I skip the line, the whole pill line
That's why your - BRAAAAAAAIN be gettin' soft on you dunny
My reading glasses caught you out there sonny
You ain't livin' like I'm livin', you witnessed it from your couch
Peeped The Golden Girls and thought you knew what Hov was about
I slipped you your first Viagra on tour with Eartha Kitt
Then I heard your rhyme 'bout how your style was tan-tric
So yeah, I sampled your voice and instead versed my own
And that shit's hot 9 at 9 on my in-house nurse's phone
And you ain't gettin' a cent, B, you was gettin' fucked and
I know what I'm eatin', God: mashed-up pumpkin!
Stay in your - LAAAAAAAANE, it's for your own safety
(No, seriously, I'm a very poor driver now)
10 percent off the Denny's menu? I can divide
That's a Moons Over My Hammy for like 3.99
And I left 'em $4.50--you know old people don't tip
I'm too busy trying to keep these mah-jongg tiles in my grip
I've got some - PAAAAAINS, but that's just part of the deal
Take out the garbage? Bitch, my grandson's in college!
You young bucks gon' learn to respect the king
Don't be the next one to have to apply my hemorrhoid cream
Because you know who did you-know-what with you-know-who
I mean, I forgot, so I really hope you do...
*Of course this is a parody. Happy birthday Hov!