Oh, Twitter fuckery, will you know no end? It used to be we just made it up, people, but now it's really happening. Last night, at a Much Music Awards after-party in Toronto, blogger and famewhore Perez Hilton was allegedly "assaulted" by will.i.am...or his manager...or something. Perez tweeted about it numerous times, then will.i.am came on Twitter to deny it, then they each made horrible and grating videos about their side of the story.
No, we're not linking to any of this, because it's fucking stupid. And then this morning, will.i.am's manager Polo Molina apparently turned himself in to police. All of which is to say, since we have the only legitimate take on this story, we're gonna do you the solid of relaying the entire post-brawl imbroglio as it went down**. Technology: at first you think it's awesome, then it goes and gives us something like this....
perezhilton oh my god you guys
perezhilton oh. muh. GUH. i've been BRUTALLY SAVAGED. by SAVAGES.
perezhilton will.i.am is a THUG and he HIT me. in my EYE.
perezhilton i can see the booboo right now in one of the many mirrors i carry around with me at all times to make sure that the shaved lines and/or highlights in my hair remain subtle and artful and don't have the effect of making me look like an angry fat woman who scrapbooks to distract herself from her sad life!
iamtherealwill @perezhilton man, stfu. i just followed you out of the club to see if you'd want some of these Target coupons we got. 20% off smedium t-shirts and innocuous hooks! boom boom pow!
perezhilton GET AWAY FROM ME WILL.I.AM! YOU'RE A THUG AND YOU DREW BLOOD FROM MY FACE WITH YOUR MANAGER'S HAND!
perezhilton in all my years of doing this, drawing semen dots on people's faces has never resulted in my catching an eye jammie!
iamtherealwill @perezhilton that's not an eye jammie, man. what is this, Wreckx-N-Effect and Q-Tip in '92? My manager was just swatting a fly away.
fergilicious @iamtherealwill awwwww snap! u told him maing!
fergilicious @prerezhilton u got LUMPED UP, ni**a!
perezhilton @fergilicious ...huh?
iamtherealwill @fergilcious quiet down, baby. remember what daddy said about being a good white girl.
fergilicious *roger rabbits*
iamtherealwill @perezhilton tell 'em what you called me, man.
perezhilton @iamtherealwill what?! i called you a faggot. so? i can DO that! CEASELESSLY BAITING PEOPLE WITH BORDERLINE LIBELOUS MATERIAL IS NOT GROUNDS FOR VIOLENCE. IT'S JUST SILLINESS! I'M HARMLESS AND CATTY AND SILLY AND HILARIOUS AND MY SCHTICK NEVER GETS OLD!
iamtherealwill @perezhilton you're lucky my man Taboo ain't jump in that ass. right, Taboo?
perezhilton YOU SHUT UP TOO TABOO OR I'LL DRAW SEMEN DOTS ON YOUR FACE NEXT!
taboo *does Easter Island statue impression*
iamtherealwill @perezhilton Yeah son! Black Eyed Peas is too strong to be divided by your fuckery!
apldeap That's right fam! Apl de Ap is in the building!
SteveJobs *sends apl de ap cease & desist letter*
apldeap Scratch that! Non-Trademarked Personal Computr de Comp is in the building!
perezhilton someone call the police! i don't know what else to do or how to get in touch with them! sent from Twitterberry, which if you weren't too busy overreacting to notice is only available on a PHONE
fergilicious @perezhilton don't bother! 911 is a JOKE, ni**a!
iamtherealwill @fergilicious seriously, pump the brakes for a second.
fergilicious @iamtherealwill whateva man.
fergilicious *does a b-girl pose*
fergilicious *slathers on shoe polish*
perezhilton @iamtherealwill Back off, Will.I.Am! I have 10 million people who read my site every day and are calling the police right now! especially since I already called the police and they didn't really seem to care!
perezhilton I'm a music mogul and I support singers so fantastic and powerful you've never heard of them! And they're all gonna be mad and boycott you! And I'm gonna keep hanging around them because I was unpopular in high school and now I exact my revenge via crude photoillustration!
perezhilton I mean, BECAUSE THEY LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM!
perezhilton *weeps gravy*
iamtherealwill @perezhilton that's cool--mad people got my back too. i work with stars. stars! right, mike?
iamtherealwill @MJKingofPop Really, man? That's the best you can do?
MJKingofPop thank you i love you all god bless you don't forget to tell your nephews i'm having a slumber party
iamtherealwill Sigh. Anyone else not out there not sufficiently repulsed by my sanctimonious and inane post-racial party anthems to vouch for me? I was on CNN, people! My hologram is the voice of the youth!
hologramwill Fuck yeah I am! I can talk about everything from voting for Obama to fixing the economy to the vagaries of cap-and-trade energy regulation! Except for the second one! And also the third one! Suck it, Rick Sanchez!
officialTila @iamtherealwill I got your back, baby! Talented people like us have to stick together, am I right?
officialTila *tries to turn head, topples over*
iamtherealwill @officialTila sure, why not.
iamdiddy @iamtherealwill I got ya back will! musical visionaries and cultural icons and future leaders gotta stick together too am i right? SELF-IMPORTANT BLOWHARDS WHO CONTRIBUTE NOTHING AT ALL TO THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION BUT CONSISTENTLY OVERSTATE OUR OWN SIGNIFICANCE LET'S GO!!!
WyclefJean @iamtherealwill You know I'm there for yoooooooooou! No one else I know has the stones to cross over and be thoroughly mediocre in so many other genres of music! THE WORLD IS MORE THAN HIP-HOP, PEOPLE!
WyclefJean *trips and crushes Canibus' career*
officialTila you guys you guys you guys! will.i.am is in trouble! and for once it's not the kind of trouble that my racquetball-hard fake breasts can float him out of!
MJKingofPop yikes breasts i'm outta here!
fergilicious Who said breasts? This sister got some fine breast lumps and humps her damn self! BLACKETY BLACK Y'ALL!
joshduhamel Jesus, not again.
joshduhamel @iamtherealwill Sorry, man.
joshduhamel *drags Fergie home*
fergilicious *tapdances the entire way*
**Yes, this is a parody. We made it up, people!