So it was reported that DMX got out of jail yesterday after serving over 90 days for drug, fraud and animal cruelty charges. While incarcerated, X mentioned plans to start a TV show called Pain and Perseverance, which will be about "how [DMX] can reach people that the average person can't reach" through the words of Jesus Christ.
Despite his un-Christian-like behavior over the years, Dark Man X has always been rap's most outspoken figure when it came to praising the Lord. But if his Bible-thumping TV series never gets off the ground, we have some better suggestions for DMX's next job...
BECOME A DOG GROOMER
• Next to God and crime, DMX's favorite topic of choice has always been his dogs (one love, Boomer!). Shit, he already partially speaks the language. All he would need to do is acquire a grooming license while he waits for Michael Vick to come out of the bing. Then both of them could invest in a grooming shop specializing in pit bulls that were abused in dog-fighting rings. Karma's a bitch
BECOME A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR
• X's penchant for reckless driving is legendary, so he'd be perfect as an instructor at the driving school run by Bob Bondurant, who wrote an entire book called Police and Pursuit Driving. Something tells us the Dark Man would fit right in.
BECOME AN AIRPORT CUSTOMS OFFICER
• Knowledge of drugs? Check. Good with dogs? Check. Handy with weapons? Check. Mean as fuck? Check.
BECOME A FULL-TIME PASTOR
• When celebrities pursue religion, they usually do it half-ass like one butt cheek. But if Mason Betha could become a pastor, X should have no problem joining the cloth. Matter of fact, Mase and DMX should open a joint ministry of barkers and shakers.
JOIN THE BORDER PATROL
• Although X refuses to ever return to Arizona, at one point he bought a house there because he believed it was "God's land." We're not sure if the Grand Canyon state has much to offer besides deserts and Wal-Marts, but if X wants, he could always return to his old stomping grounds to protect our borders from illegal immigrants. We smell a Lou Dobbs cameo on Walk With Me Now and You'll Fly With Me Later.