10 Ways To Ether Someone in Another Language

If you really want to step up your insult game, you should start thinking internationally. You can only throw around the standard American insults about another man’s sexuality, masculinity, or his mother’s tendency to “sit around the house” so many times before the words lose their sting. It is time for you to look abroad, my friend. Some of the most creative and ridiculous insults are not available in your mother tongue. So, take a trip around the world and learn how to ether someone by calling them a "fornicating blind bear," a "fellatio-loving she-wolf," or a "farting priest." This is the insult gauntlet you've been waiting for, you "lord of the donkeys."

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Language: Japanese
In the native tongue: "Kisama"

This one may be an insult, but we have to imagine being Lord of the Donkeys has its benefits. Those Japanese jerks won't be laughing when you summon the combined fury of all of the asses at your disposal, not to mention the fact that you'll be able to transport people down steep canyons with ease. The Democratic Party will be at your beck and call, as you will have the corner on their mascot supply. We would take being Lord of the Donkeys over being Lord of the Dance or Lord of the Flies any day.

Language: Albanian
In the native tongue: "Te qifte arusha qorre!"

We don't necessarily see how this is an insult, as much as it is bad luck. The logistics of getting fornicated by a bear have to place you in the top one percent of unlucky people in the world. If you allow a blind bear to sneak up on you and get it in, we have to assume that you are Hans Moleman level unlucky, or that you wanted it to happen.

Language: Bengali
In the native tongue: "Pedo Pundit"

With all the negative press the church has garnered in recent years, it may be better for you socially to be a "priest of farting" than a more traditional man of the cloth. It also sounds like it wouldn't be a bad gig. Confession could be boiled down to "who ever smelt it dealt it" or "he who denied it supplied it." Religious music would be a heck of a lot more interesting. Most important of all, your parishioners wouldn't be distracted by trying not to flatulate during prayer. We've been encouraged to avoid communion jokes, as any such joke would surely veer into the realm of sacrilege.

Language: Polish
In the native tongue: "Jebiesz jeze."

Brief and to the point. Not only do you engage in bestiality, but you've chosen a very tricky animal at which to aim your affections. It seems that being the butt of jokes for so many years has hardened the Polish, rendering them ruthlessly efficient joke machines. If the joke wars long ago predicted by Monty Python ever come to pass, it looks like you'd want Poland on your side.

Language: German
In the native tongue: "Dunkelbumser"

It turns out that German vocal engineers are just as efficient as their automotive counterparts. What takes us ten words in English (eleven if you forgo the contraction) can be expressed in one beautiful German word, "Dunkelbumser." Our heart goes out to all of you self-conscious Dunkelbumsers out there, but you can at least take solace in the fact that you are getting some.

Language: Romanian
In the native tongue: "Spala-te pe dinti ca vin cu pula in inspectie!"

Romanian cursing is a mix of imaginative profanity and American style emasculation. There are a lot of "Yo Mamma" jokes among Romanians as well as threats about where one will place their dick. We're not sure if there is an alt-comedy scene in Romania that attempts to deconstruct "Yo Mamma" jokes, but we promise to get back to you if we find out.

Language: Bosnian
In the native tongue: "A Bog Da Ti Kuca Bila."

We don't know the Bosnian phrase for "too soon," but it would be appropriate here. This phrase isn't for wishing that your house shows up on CNN because your grandma is the oldest person in the world or that Anderson Cooper stops by to taste the local cuisine. A person using this phrase is wishing that a bomb falls through your roof. Ice. Cold.

Language: Norwegian
In the native tongue: "Jeg spretta søstra di mens den tilbakestående faren din sto bak og fumlet med ballene mine."

That's a mouth full, huh? And no we're not talking about your sister's hindquarters. This one is actually pretty offensive in English as well. We include it here for its complexity. Close your eyes and think about this image. Wow, can't believe you fell for that. Anyway, this is one of the most complex insults we've ever heard—a Rube Goldberg machine of an insult. If you can pull this one off the rewards are big, but the degree of difficulty makes it almost impossible.

Language: Turkish
In the native tongue: "Ananin amina kale kurar sabah aksam mac yaparim."

Really, it isn't your dreams that are important, what matters is that you have them. Apparently, there are Turkish men (and women, don't mean to be sexist ladies) who fantasize about turning motherly nether regions into a soccer pitch. Though this would defy the laws of physics and make for a pretty crowded game, good on those who dare to dream the impossible dream.

Language: Bulgarian
In the native tongue: "Gladna Karpatska valchitza s dalag kosam minet da ti prai deeba."

As the heroes at Cracked put it, "Bulgarian cursing is based on a hybrid of nature references and non sequiturs. Most of the good ones read like Tourette's syndrome Mad Libs." Bulgarians get creative when they verbally assault one another. References to "tilted fields," "ugly salad," and "noses like a Russian pussy," are not uncommon. We're sure there is a term paper to be written on what Bulgarian cursing shares with the Dadaist movement, so there's something to think about while you're looking in your dorm room mirror wondering if your nose really does look like a "Russian pussy."