Roger Goodell vs. David Stern: Who's The Bigger Jackass?
Peep their jackass resumes and decide for yourself.
Image via Complex Original
Being the public face to an aristocratic group of billionaire sports owners is hard work. You’re hounded by fans, hated by players, and everyone blames you for the league's shortcomings. It’s a trying job for even the most agreeable and competent of leaders. And, apparently, it’s especially taxing for blustering jerks like David Stern and Roger Goodell. Since sports are all about winning we decided to pit these pastime string pullers against one another to decide once and for all Roger Goodell vs. David Stern: Who's The Bigger Jackass?
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
RELATED: A History of David Stern's Gully Moments
Who's Shadier?
NBA Draft Day Conspiracies vs. 2011 NFL Lockout
Match-up: David Stern has been accused of rigging the NBA Draft Lottery to benefit major market teams like New York and Chicago. This year, Stern was accused by some for fixing the Draft to benefit New Orleans owner Tom Benson who'd recently purchased the Hornets from the league.
During the 2011 NFL lockout, Goodell fought to give a larger share of the $9B pie to owners while, simultaneously, demanding that the schedule be increased by two games. In sum, the players make less dough for more work and owners receive increased revenue for literally doing nothing. You know, boss shit.
Winner: Roger Goodell
Goodell is a henchmen for NFL owners. So, you can hardly blame him for stroking to their collective bargaining needs of his billionaire bosses. That said, Goodell made a remarkably underhanded comment that was at best disingenuous and at worst a flat out lie to NFL fans, “We can’t continue to shift the cost, whether it’s the rising player cost or the rising cost of operating an NFL franchise, on to our fans.”
Really? In 2012, the average cost for a family of four to attend an NFL game is almost $450, a 4 percent increase from the previous year. Fans from Chicago, San Diego, and Houston saw their teams combine for a 26-22 record and one playoff win in 2011, but their ticket prices sky-rocketed by more than 10 percent this season. Buy a stadium beer for $7, an officially licensed jersey for $249, and a Cam Newton autograph for $125, if you want to know much the NFL respects you and your wallet.
Who’s the Bigger Ego Maniac?
Chris Paul Trade Veto vs. Bountygate
Match-up: David Stern spent much of the NBA lockout preaching it's bearing on the basis of competitive balance. Then, the first order of post-lockout business was Chris Paul's trade from small market New Orleans to the stalwart Lakers. Oops. Stern promptly vetoed the trade on the grounds of being exposed as a disingenuous jerk.
When Saint coaches were recorded advocating the purposeful injury of players for reward, Goodell responded by suspending half the team without cause. In September, an arbitration panel overturned four player suspensions calling the commissioner's authority into question.
Winner: David Stern
David Stern vetoed what was a pretty worthwhile trade for New Orleans. The Hornets would have plated Kevin Martin, Luis Scola, Lamar Odom, Goran Dragic, and a first-round pick from the Knicks in exchange for Paul. Stern not only needlessly asserted himself on the NBA, he did it in a way that negatively affected a team he was trying to help. It's one thing to think you know what's best for everyone, it's quite another to act upon it with absolute power. That sort of ego masturbation takes a certain type of jackass.
Who's the Bigger Prick?
Stern Sacks the Timberwolves vs. Goodell’s No Fun League
Match-up: After the '99 lockout, teams rushed to sign players and decode the league's newly adopted salary cap restrictions. The Timberwolves made an admitted mistake by trying to convince Joe Smith to sign below market value on the condition that the franchise would sign him to a much more lucrative deal the following season.
Football's a game that encourages bone crunching hits, but a celebratory touchdown dance or wearing your sock too high is a sure to garner a $10K fine. NFL uniforms look dated and most of the innovation and style comes from the college game.
Winner: Roger Goodell
The NFL forced the NFL Blitz video game to remove late hits. For real. The NFL has always been stuck up its own ass. If you need proof, take a shot every time Jon Gruden says "in the National Football League" during a national broadcast. "N-F-L" is a lot easier to say and it would save him a few hundred syllables per broadcast, but everyone associated with the game takes pride in its pretentiousness.
Who Resents Their Players More?
Stern’s Dress Code vs. Goodell’s Reaction to Ailing Former NFL Players
Match-up: After the Malice in the Palace, Stern thought it was wise to clean up the league by instilling a strict suit-and-tie dress code for players. Kobe Bryant was being charged for rape and the Pistons and Pacers were tagging drunken Detroit fans, but the real problem was Timberland boots and throwback jerseys.
The on-field head injuries are only half of the NFL's concussion crisis, the other is a wave of former players who have to wear bike helmets when they shower and are perpetually losing their keys. Never take cognitive function or short term memory for granted, ask Jim McMahon.
Winner: David Stern
Allen Iverson said of the dress code, "Just because you put a guy in a tuxedo, it doesn't mean he's a good guy." He was right, probably why they call him "The Answer." The real problem in the NBA was its players fighting fans. Stern, has he does all too often, focused on clouding perception and likely took a sick pleasure in watching Stephon Marbury walk the tunnel in a pair of pleated slacks.
Who’s the Bigger Hypocrite?
2011 NBA Lockout vs. Goodell’s Commitment to “Player Safety”
The Match-up: David Stern's answer to ending the player lockout was to lean towards the owners in dividing revenue and blame players for unsustainable salaries and ballooning contracts. Weird. We're pretty sure owners and reckless GM's write those contracts. But, as is often the case, billionaires correct their errors by robbing the league's players who'd earned their way.
Goodell makes overtures to player safety and, at the same time, resides over a referee lockout and demands an 18 game schedule. Translation: Roger Goodell is all about player safety so long as it doesn't interfere with revenue.
Winner: Roger Goodell
Roger Goodell could have given a damn about player safety until Hall of Famers started vomiting on themselves and banging on his door with MRI results and lawyers. Likewise, Goodell have taken measures to shorten preseason to minimize hits and injuries, but didn't. Why? Cash. Goodell can say, "We want to continue to do is be a part of that solution" but the NFL spends as much money litigating as it does researching. Money, that's the only solution.
Who is More Antagonistic?
Stern’s Beef with Mark Cuban vs. Goodell’s Beef with James Harrison
The Match-up: David Stern's fined Mark Cuban more than a dozen times for incidents including criticizing the refs and kicking a ball into the stands. The two have famously exchanged in a war of words with Cuban once saying of Stern's Chris Paul trade veto, "Bad management gets you bad results."
The war or words between Steelers linebacker James Harrison and Goodell has been a lot worse with Harrison calling Goodell a racial slur in an interview with Men's Journal and saying of the NFL Commissioner, "If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn't do it." Harrison has been fined more than $100K by Goodell and is believed by some—Harrison mostly—to be unfairly targeted by the NFL.
Winner: David Stern
The thing about David Stern is he targets the wrong dude. Cuban is worth $2.3B and Stern's racked up some $2M worth of fines against him. To put that into perspective, that's .0008% of Cuban's worth.
Who Is More Likely to Leave a Cheap Tip?
NBA’s Pulling of Olympians vs. NFL’s “Blackout” Rule
The Matchup: With the United States steam rolling through the Olympics and basketball on the global stage, David Stern declared, rather inexplicably, that he'd like to ban NBA players over the age of 23 from playing in the Olympics? Why? Because he couldn't profit off of it. Stern proposed a global tournament branded by the NBA, which would bring World Cup-like cash to professional basketball.
The NFL has a policy whereby if a game does not sell out, it's pulled from television in the affected regional market. The NFL, which profits tremendously from broadcast deals, fan purchased merchandise and tax payer-funded stadiums, will not televise Miami games unless Dolphins fans pony up to watch Ryan Tannehill split safety's jerseys in front of a standing room only crowd.
Winner: Roger Goodell
The Olympics is one of those things we pretend to care about for a few weeks every couple years. So, David Stern wants to get in on some of that international cake, so be it. Spain deserves to shine, they're unemployment rate is, like, 25 percent or something. Let them have a chance at Gold. The NFL, on the other hand, has some serious balls blacking out games with a monopoly and $9B in revenue. That takes one cheap asshole, Roger.
Who Respects their Fans Less?
Stern Helps Move the Sonics vs. Preseason Ticket Prices
Match-up: The Sonics were supported by Seattle for 41 years before an investment group from Oklahoma City (with the support of David Stern) moved the team to the Sooner State. Many Sonics fans blame Stern for being a hinge point for the team's relocation.
The NFL has the balls to charge full price for preseason games. If you've ever had the misfortune of watching an NFL preseason game, you understand when we say that Goodell should probably be in jail.
Winner: Roger Goodell
Moving a team is bad, but sports towns are whores and Oklahoma City was in a better position to mortgage a state-of-the-art stadium on its city's taxpayers. But you must really hate your fans if you're willing to bill them for the stadium and then charge full price to watch Caleb Hanie fumble snaps and camp invites shank extra points. Goodell's probably right to underestimate NFL fans. They show up in droves mini camp practices. But he definitely has no respect for them.
Who's Had the Bigger Fails?
The Microfiber Basketball vs. Goodell’s Reaction to the MNF Debacle
Match-up: At the beginning of the '06-'07 NBA season the league proudly announced a newly-engineered, microfiber composite ball to replace the classic leather globe of yesteryear. To Stern's surprise, the league's players did not embrace innovative engineering in a way that he'd hoped. The league was inundated with complaints, forcing the NBA to bring back the old balls. Speaking of old balls, the defeat was horribly embarrassing for the league's commissioner.
Last Monday night Twitter melted and the Packers lost a game because of a blown last-second touchdown call. Goodell had been roasted by players, fans and coaches for being hamstrung in his ability to end the NFL Referee lockout. The event, one of the most embarrassing in NFL history, effectively forced a labor agreement last week.
Winner: Roger Goddell
Being unable to end the lockout and bringing in Division III referees was bad enough, but Goodell deserves a smack across his smug face for the way he and the NFL reacted to the event. In response to the controversial call the NFL released a statement saying, "The NFL Officiating Department reviewed the video today and supports the decision not to overturn the on-field ruling following the instant replay review." Oh, OK. Thanks for clearing that up. Sorry, we're wrong. Pow!
Who's the Bigger Tryant?
Stern’s Response to Stan Van Gundy vs. Godells “Personal Conduct Policy”
Match-up: After a suspension of Dwight Howard, Magic coach Stan Van Gundy implied parallels between David Stern and tyrant leaders like Egypt's Hosni Mubarak and Libya's Muammar Gaddafi. Stern, thinking he was Al Capone, responded "I would render a guess...that we won't be hearing from him for the rest of the season."
The NFL's Personal Conduct Policy states that, "The League is committed to promoting and encouraging lawful conduct and to providing a safe and professional workplace for its employees." It's been used to suspend players like Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and Brandon Marshall for off-the-field transgressions.
Winner: David Stern
David Stern is 70 years old and has a meek appearance, but acts like a g'd out made man with some of his Sternisms. He once said in a meeting with the NBPA he defended his record by saying he knows "where the bodies are buried." Whoa, man? You realize you're a rich corporate talking head, right? Not a numbers runner in the Cleveland projects.
Bigger Jackass: Roger Goodell
Ultimately, most plutocratic mouthpieces are jackasses. Both Goodell and Stern beat their chests for residing over the most profitable eras of their respective sports, but there’s really just code for passing the buck onto their fans and charging taxpayers to build stadiums. Stern deserves a little bit of credit because basketball needs management because it's not followed with the zeal of football. It requires vision, a direction, and a plan for sustainability that can sometimes make the commissioner unpopular.
The NFL, on the other hand, is a monopoly with an Evangelical following, any dope could run it. Roger Goodell is a basically a thirsty football groupie, Chris Berman with a business card. We’re pretty sure he commissions fines for uniform violations just so Robert Griffin III will notice him. He’s a pathetic corporate shill content to lick the crocodile skin boots of NFL owners and what a fucking year he's having; a pair of lockouts and that fiasco last Monday night. Stern took a quarter of a century to build up his asshole resume and Goodell's about to eclipse him from just the last 13 months. That's it, really. He's a jackass.