The 10 Best Non-Traditional Christmas Movies
For when you're seeking a holiday entertainment that is more naughty than nice.
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If you can expect one thing around December 25th, aside from lame gifts fated for the back of your closet, and extended-family members drinking too much eggnog and getting handsy, it's the reprisal of a time-honored tradition that thousands of other families partake in—the annual showing of a saccharine sweet, miracle-chocked Christmas movie.
But we can only take so much Charlie Brown and chocolate chip cookies before our sweet tooth begins to slowly rot and we're left craving darker, more adult entertainment. Enter: our offbeat alternatives—sinister movies you can convince your family to watch under the thinly-veiled guise of a holiday film.
Sure, the obligatory presence of snowy landscapes and Santa hats are present, but there is also a notable absence of predictability and cheer. Pull the wool over Grandma's eyes with our list of The 10 Best Non-Traditional Christmas Movies. And when the blood and blunts come out, you can play dumb and blame it on Complex!
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Written by Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
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Die Hard
10. Die Hard (1988)
23 years ago, Bruce Willis somehow managed to soften our hardened hearts with a hostage situation, numerous explosions, and a dozen terrorists. Who would have guessed those would be the unlikely harbingers of Christmas spirit!
Die Hard starts like your run-of-the-mill Christmas tale, with NY cop John McClane trying to get heading to L.A. to spend some QT with his fam, and maybe smooth things over with his estranged wife Holly. But instead of an easy fix with a fistful of presents and overwrought begging on her doorstep (see: Love, Actually), wifey gets scooped up by some terrorists! Didn't see that one coming, did ya Santa?
McClane's methods of getting back to good with Holly were more bloody than cliché, including (but not limited to) self-inflicted torture by way of sprinting barefoot across glass and diving off the roof of an exploding skyscraper, all perfectly set to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. What more could you possibly want from a Christmas movie?
Bad Santa
9. Bad Santa (2003)
Billy Bob Thornton plays the sleaziest Santa to ever grace a child's presence in this controversial classic. But it's not Thorton's convincing portrayal of a whiskey-chugging, salacious Santa that makes this movie worthy of the black Christmas comedy title, it's his unlikely sidekick, an intrepid young boy who refuses to believe this hapless d-bag is not Santa, despite his penchant for cursing, vomiting, and casual anal sex with strangers. There's just something really heartwarming about a kid who realizes that Christmas miracles can sometimes come in unexpected, morally decrepit packages.
12 Monkeys
8. 12 Monkeys (1995)
Instead of spreading holiday cheer, try watching the spread of a deadly virus for a change of Christmas pace! And even if transmitting diseases is an average Saturday night for you, director Terry Gillam has a few unexpected twists up his sleeve to please your insatiable Christmas spirit.
Specifically, a time-traveling Bruce Willis as the hero, an institutionalized, bat-shit crazy Brad Pitt as the possible villain and escaped zoo animals that may or may not possess the disease that will end humanity. There's even an obligatory airport at Christmas scene! Only instead of a tearful embrace in the terminal, there is a shoot-out and bloody visions of future deaths dancing through Bruce Willis' head. Which, in our mind, is a welcome substitute to sugarplums.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas
7. A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)
The entire plot of the original stoner classic Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle revolved around a fast-food quest, so, appropriately, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar's (John Cho) Christmas extranvanganva centers on a search for a Christmas tree.
Fortunatley, that's where the appropriateness ends. Inappropriate holiday endeavors abound, including setting fire to said Christmas tree with a lit joint, purchasing illegal drugs from a Santa in a parking garage (which is totally legit), and even a Santa shooting (not the one selling marijuna, another one). If that doesn't entice you, there are also babies cloaked in cocaine, which gives an entirely new meaning to the term "crack baby." Are you happy now?
American Psycho
6. American Psycho (2000)
This modern serial killer tale is oft-ignored as the wonderfully perverse Christmas story it is. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) celebrates Christmas amidst a blood-soaked backdrop, giving into his darkest urges, including copious cocaine-sniffing and colleague-killing to ring in the holiday season.
Bateman also partcipates in more wholesome modes of celebration, including attending his girlfriend Evelyn's (Reese Witherspoon) Christmas party, though his ambition-oriented conversation, "Hey Hamilton, have a holly jolly Christmas. Is Allen still handing the Fisher account?" reveal his future plans for more ominous forms of fun.
Even Evelyn adknowledges his lack of holiday spirit, calling him a "grinch" and assuming he wants to throw some D's on it for Chrismas. But for the record, Bateman does indulge in champagne, don reindeer antlers, and share a kiss under the mistletoe before making dinner plans with Allen, which later serve as the appetizer to Bateman's axe-murder main course.
A Black Christmas
5. A Black Christmas (1974)
This holiday-themed slasher flick takes place in a house full of drunken sorority girls who fall victim to a man who sneaks into the attic. No, it's not Santa looking for cookies this time, it's a crazed psycho killer who can only be satisfied by barely-legal blood!
Our holiday homicidal maniac begins calling the house and doesn't just stop at heavy breathing and creepy death threats. He actually follows through on his promise, and starts systematically killing off the college girls, several of whom meet their horrific fate on the most cheerful day of the year. The transparent irony alone makes it well worth the watch.
Gremlins
4. Gremlins (1984)
Aside from being deeply entertaining holiday horror-comedy, Gremlins also offers several illuminating lessons on gift-giving. One, don't buy pets from unlicensed breeders, which is exactly what a good-intentioned father does when he purchases a Mogwai, a tiny, exotica furball named Gizmo. Two, pets make high-maintenance presents, even if they are not presented as such.
The latter lesson proves to be most important, as the pet's instructions (No water, no bright lights, and no post-midnight feeding ) are quickly broken by bad gift recipient Billy, who proceeds to do all of the above. The result is Christmas being ruined by the fast-reproducing creature, which spawns evil Gremlin counterparts who hang the family dog in a string of lights and go on a holiday rampage that includes death and ample mayhem. And if that's not enough holiday spirit for you, there is also a wonderful anecdote told by a young girl, who explains how her father attempts to be like Santa and go down the chimney, only to slip and meet his death there—a Christmas story if we ever heard one!
The Nightmare Before Christmas
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Tim Burton's stop-motion animation flick succeeds in systematically corrupting the very essence of Christmas, thanks to main character Jack Skellington's grisly re-imagining of the holiday. More Day of the Dead than Christmas movie, the king of "Halloween Town" stumbles upon alternate universe "Christmas Town," which inspires him to bring the holiday spirit back home and, oh yeah, kidnap Santa Claus (a name Jack interprets as "Sandy Claws").
Unfortunately, Jack's macabre imagination is an awkward fit for Santa's cheerful occupation, and results in unsuspecting children receiving terrifying gifts like shrunken heads under the tree, and "Sandy Claws" being gunned down from the sky. Thankfully, Jack's unsuccessful usurp of Santa's hard-to-fill shoes is forgiven, and we get a delightfully creepy duet with Jack and his rag doll boo, Sally. Christmas love in Halloween town, be still our dark hearts!
Eyes Wide Shut
2. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Doctor Bill (Tom Cruise) embarks on a Christmas adventure that makes formerly risqué holiday movie moments like licking frozen poles (A Christmas Story) and sneaking up on women in showers (Elf) underwhelmingly vanilla.
After learning his wife was fantasizing about a man in uniform, the good doc goes off to pursue some of his own amoral desires, which involve prostitutes named Domino, large scale masked-orgies, and cavorting with horny junkies. But the most fantastical plot point of all? Bill confesses his dirty deeds to his wife, and instead of sticking him with coal and divorce papers, she is turned on by his misdeeds and proclaims her renewed desire to do the dirty with him. It's a Christmas miracle!
Edward Scissorhands
1. Edward Scissorhands (1990)
A dark match made in heaven, Johnny Depp and director Tim Burton come together to make an ironic Christmas story that offsets the typically wholesome suburban setting with a sinister undercurrent. Depp plays the titular character, whose creator dies while giving him the ultimate gift—real hands—and leaves Edward noticably incomplete.
But Edward's shortcomings don't keep him from trying his scissor-hand at love, and the makeshift man falls for Kim (Winona Ryder). Unfortunately, Edward's unlikely love story is cut short when the people who previously relied on him for his ability to provide top notch shrubbery, couture haircuts, and the occasional faux-snowfall via ice sculpture turn on him, forcing him to become a loveless recluse on Christmas.