The 25 Worst Movies Starring Rappers
Bow Wow's role in Madea's Big Happy Family inspires our countdown of hip-hop's least beneficial contributions to Hollywood.
Image via Complex Original
The term “rapper-actor” doesn't instill a great deal of optimism into casual moviegoers, though it’s not like the wannabe thespians themselves have done much to help the issue. Not all of hip-hop’s stars with Hollywood aspirations are an embarrassment to the craft. Technically, Will Smith falls in this category, as do respectable performers such as Mos Def, Ice Cube, and Queen Latifah. Props are also due to Eminem, who gave a solid performance in 2002’s 8 Mile even though he basically played himself.
For every 8 Mile, however, there’s a Killa Season (starring Cam'ron and the whole Dipset), a bootlegger special that strips cinema of its finest attributes and plays like an extended BET: Uncut music video. Even worse are bad rapper movies produced within the Hollywood system, whether the spitter is the headliner or a mere co-star.
This weekend, co-star Bow Wow will once again try for a box office hit in Tyler Perry’s typically painful looking Madea’s Big Happy Family. He plays the aloof son of a sick mother (Loretta Devine), who just so happens to be transvestite Madea’s (Perry) niece. If that doesn’t entice you into seeing Bow Wow’s latest movie, how about this: It also co-stars the Old Spice guy.
Yeah, there’s little doubt that Madea’s Big Happy Family will suck, but the real question is whether it’ll be any worse than The 25 Worst Movies Starring Rappers. Have a look at the crap pack and prejudge for yourselves.
Waist Deep
25. WAIST DEEP (2006)
Starring: Game
Why it sucks: If Waist Deep’s only crime was trying too hard to be the hood’s very own Bonnie & Clyde, it’d still underwhelm, yes, but the action flick would also be more tolerable than any movie led by Tyrese Gibson should ever be. Alas, blame the flick’s ludicrousness and lack of dramatic resonance on the stunt casting of ever-gruff rapper Game as the villain, oddly named “Big Meat.”
While waving a machete around like he’s a poor man’s Jason Voorhees, Game voices commands in an overdone tough guy tenor not unlike Christian Bale’s in The Dark Knight. Hate it or really hate it, his overacting kills Waist Deep, and not in the slang term sense.
Never Die Alone
24. NEVER DIE ALONE (2004)
Starring: DMX
Why it sucks: If Stephen King were to ever complain about some of the bad movies based on his books, someone should cite Donald Goines’ name—now there’s an influential author whose writings have been bastardized through film. In the case of Crime Partners, which starred Ice-T, Snoop Dogg, and Ja Rule, the lameness is a direct result of limited budget and a general lack of ambition; Never Die Alone, on the other hand, isn’t worthy of any similar excuses.
With some actual money spent to produce it, Never Die Alone received an official theatrical release, though no one gave a shit. Perhaps it was the scathing reviews that called Ernest Dickerson’s movie out for being the lowest possible form of noir. Or it might have been the fact that DMX plays a drug dealer so loathsome that he actually requests anal sex in order to help a former lover deal with her heroin addiction. Take your pick.
Janky Promoters
23. JANKY PROMOTERS (2009)
Starring: Ice Cube and Young Jeezy
Why it sucks: At this stage of his career, Ice Cube really doesn’t need to make straight-to-hood flicks—he’s paid his Hollywood dues. Watching Janky Promoters, one gets the idea that Cube himself would agree.
Reuniting with his Next Friday partner-in-comedy Mike Epps, Cube gives a horrendous performance as a shady party promoter trying to organize a Young Jeezy (who plays himself, both literally and figuratively) concert. The usually passable actor exaggerates every joke, spits his hammy dialogue with goofy facial expressions, and just generally looks out of place. As a result, Janky Promoters is both obnoxious and forgettable. Next Friday is on The Godfather Part II’s level by comparison.
XXX: State Of The Union
22. XXX: STATE OF THE UNION (2005)
Starring: Ice Cube and Xzibit
Why it sucks: Ice Cube is a man of many gifts. He’s a great rapper, a charismatic actor, and a prime example of how MCs can infiltrate mainstream America’s family circus without losing any street cred. What he’s not, however, is an action hero, a sad truth proven in XXX: State Of The Union.
Following up Vin Diesel’s successful XXX, Cube’s ridiculous attempt to pull a Bruce Willis made us actually miss Vin Diesel, and that’s no easy feat. For starters, AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted looks nothing like an action star; with his chubby physique, Cube’s XXX is someone who’d need an oxygen tank after dodging explosions and fighting bad guys in real life. It’s never a good thing to watch an action movie and think, “Dude needs a personal trainer.”
Thirteen Ghosts
21. THIRTEEN GHOSTS (2001)
Starring: Rah Digga
Why it sucks: In 1960, William Castle’s Thirteen Ghosts scared the piss out of audiences with a handful of legitimately freaky scenes and a rather brilliant “Gotcha!” ending. It was inevitable that an inferior remake would one day surface, but no amount of preparation could’ve buffered nostalgic horror heads enough to withstand the miscalculation of this heinously acted re-imagining.
Queen Latifah must’ve either turned down the role or avoided producers’ requests, because somehow Rah Digga—Busta Rhymes’ B-level Flipmode Squad colleague—landed the part of “token sassy black chick.” On the mic, Digga spits better than most female MCs, yet that’s where her dominance over fellow estrogen packers ends. In her defense, Thirteen Ghosts would still reek without her, though she certainly didn’t help matters one bit.
Carmen: A Hip-Hopera
20. CARMEN: A HIP-HOPERA (2001)
Starring: Mos Def, Rah Digga, Wyclef Jean, Bow Wow, Da Brat, Jermaine Dupri
Why it sucks: We all love rap music, right? And there’s nothing purer than a cipher full of gifted lyricists trading bars simply for the sport of it. Well, the made-for-MTV movie Carmen: A Hip-Hopera is the evil inverse of the best freestyle sessions and battles.
Based on Georges Bizet’s classic opera, Carmen, this high-profile turkey gives both musicals and hip-hop bad names, telling a stilted tale of tragic love through a series of rapped dialogue. Fans of Black Star are forced to watch Mos Def go line-for-line with Mekhi Phifer, not Talib Kweli, while Da Brat narrates the story in ways Morgan Freeman would never dream of (for good reason). In this collection of lyrical battles, rap heads are the ones who lose.
Belly
19. BELLY (1998)
Starring: Nas, DMX, and Method Man
Why it sucks: First off, let’s give respect where it’s due: Visually, Belly is a triumph. Hype Williams pulled out all of the surface level stops in his first feature film; look no further than the movie’s neon-lit opening sequence, set against “Back To Life.” Had Belly been a silent movie, it’d hold up as a true stunner.
Whenever the actors speak, however, Belly’s true colors shine through. There’s hardly one original idea at work in this mishmash of gangster movie clichés, which pilfers from Goodfellas, Scarface, Casino, and everything in between.
And it doesn’t even steal well. Its biggest offender is Nas, who’s hands down one of the most robotic actors of our time. He can’t even react to getting shot with believability; you’d think someone hit him with a paper airplane.
Be Cool
18. BE COOL (2005)
Starring: Andre Benjamin
Why it sucks: An all-out dreadful sequel to Get Shorty, the painful Be Cool sticks John Travolta’s Chili Palmer into the music industry for what’s supposed to be an acutely funny satire. It’s no This Is Spinal Tap, though; hell, it’s worse than UPN’s short-lived, Sticky Fingaz-led bomb Platinum.
One of the movie’s worst performances comes from Andre Benjamin. A wholly original artist and personality in real life, he’s an ignorantly drawn caricature of a gangsta rap type in Be Cool. You almost feel bad for the guy; he probably thought that acting alongside John Travolta and Harvey Keitel would up his Hollywood stock. But then you realize that Be Cool was yet another distraction away from a proper Andre 3000 solo rap album, and all sympathy wears off.
Bones
17. BONES (2001)
Starring: Snoop Dogg
Why it sucks: When making a horror movie, one must always follow a simple directive: Make it scary. And you know who’s not scary? Snoopy D-O-Double-G, the ubiquitous pop culture heavyweight who’s appeared in more hokey commercials than the Geico lizard and rapped a ballad about Anna Paquin.
So obviously the Blaxploitation-inspired horror flick Bones was doomed to never frighten a single viewer immediately after Snoop signed his contract. Seemingly knowing that his movie was bound to become a punchline, director Ernest Dickerson amped up the gore and staged elaborate death scenes, but Snoop—playing a murdered gangster seeking supernatural revenge—is always front and center.
Thicker Than Water
16. THICKER THAN WATER (1999)
Starring: Mack 10, Fat Joe, Ice Cube, MC Eiht, Big Pun, Krayzie Bone, Flesh-N-Bone, Bad Azz
Why it sucks: Unless you were once a Westside Connection fanatic, chances are that you’ve never even heard of Thicker Than Water, the massively unsuccessful acting debut of Fat Joe and inexplicable leading man vehicle for Mack 10. That’s right, Mack 10—a guy who was never more than second fiddle in his own group.
Mack and Joey Crack play rival gang members in L.A. that share a mutual dream: They both want to become hit-making music producers. But on their ways to becoming the next Dr. Dre and DJ Quik, urban warfare erupts, which leads to scenes of laughable emoting and monologues overflowing with cuss words and N-bombs. And, yes, tragedy strikes, though the real calamity awaits anyone brave enough to sit through this inept Overweight Boyz N The Hood.
Fred Claus
15. FRED CLAUS (2007)
Starring: Ludacris
Why it sucks: It’s bad enough that Vince Vaughn’s comedies have sucked post-Wedding Crashers, but why’d he have to drag Luda down with him?
Prior to Fred Claus, the most effective punishment for kids since the old soap-in-the-mouth tactic, Ludacris was on a roll in Hollywood, having co-starred in the Oscar-winning Crash and critically hailed Hustle & Flow. The allure of a children’s movie cash-in was apparently too strong to resist, though, and the Atlanta MC-turned-actor signed on to play an annoying elf DJ in the first of several Vince Vaughn-led crapfests. After Fred Claus, LL Cool J must’ve felt much better about Robin Williams’ Toys.
Halloween: Resurrection
14. HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002)
Starring: Busta Rhymes
Why it sucks: John Carpenter, the director and co-writer of 1978’s slasher classic Halloween, should’ve tracked down the producers of Halloween: Resurrection and kicked some ass. It’s not like Michael Myers can do it himself, and lord knows he’d want to after seeing this embarrassing chapter in the fictional killer’s spotty legacy.
Let’s not even get into Tyra Banks’ Razzie-worthy performance in the film; instead, we’ll focus on Busta Rhymes, easily one of the most miscast horror movie heroes of all time. Bussa Bus makes Myers his bitch throughout, from cursing Myers off until he walks away in shame to landing some disabling kung-fu kicks during their big fight sequence. If you’re a horror fan, “Busta Rhymes beats up Michael Myers” is wrong on so many levels.
Who's Your Caddy?
13. WHO’S YOUR CADDY? (2007)
Starring: Big Boi and Lil Wayne
Why it sucks: In ’07, rap fans worldwide breathed a sigh of relief, because, finally, hip-hop’s answer to Caddyshack had arrived. How could it go wrong? Stick a rapper who shouldn’t be acting in the first place (Big Boi of Outkast) in some ugly golf clothes and surround him with loud black sidekicks, as well as an uptight and square white antagonist.
That’s box office gold, no? Nope, not at all. Deservedly so, the brutally unfunny Who’s Your Caddy? made less money than Witch Doctor (look him up, Outkast newbies) in 2007.
My Baby's Daddy
12. MY BABY’S DADDY (2004)
Starring: Method Man
Why it sucks: As rotten as it is, My Baby’s Daddy could actually do some good for the world if utilized properly. Under layers of lazy fart jokes, racial degradation, and despicable slapstick, this wretched comedy has a positive message about unplanned parenthood and a man’s responsibility to be a father to his child no matter what the circumstances.
So our advice to unhappily single mothers is to provide their baby’s daddies with an ultimatum: Either take care of their kids or be forced to watch My Baby’s Daddy on loop in a locked room with no windows. Junior would be playing catch in no time.
Belly 2: Millionaire Boyz Club
11. BELLY 2: MILLIONAIRE BOYZ CLUB (2006)
Starring: Game
Why it sucks: Not that it matters, but Belly 2: Millionaire Boyz Club has absolutely no connection to Hype Williams’ far better 1998 movie. It’s hip-hop’s version of Halloween III: Season Of The Witch, though that sequel’s incompetence is actually enjoyable despite Michael Myers’ absence.
It’s not that we miss Nas’ vapid acting or Taral Hicks’ sick body (OK, we do miss the latter); Belly 2: Millionaire Boyz Club is just a bad movie that thinks it’s much deeper than it is, and what’s worse than that? Game stars (the movie’s first mistake) as an ex-con who falls for a sexy undercover cop, which apparently is “inspired by a true story.” Considering that Belly 2 has a high body count, we hope the real events weren’t nearly as unaffecting. Now that would be tragic.
The Wash
10. THE WASH (2001)
Starring: Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Xzibit, Bad Azz, Daz Dillinger, and Eminem
Why it sucks: Dr. Dre hasn’t released a new album since 1999, an extended down period that has spurred tons of anticipation and speculation about his enigmatic Detox LP. Adding to his largely invisible decade, Dre’s last movie role was way back in 2001, when he tried being Cheech to Snoop Dogg’s Chong in The Wash. Unlike Detox, though, no one in their right mind is waiting on the Aftermath Records CEO’s next movie.
A comedy without any funny parts, The Wash takes a gang of talented rap artists (Dre, Snoop, Eminem, Kurupt) and renders them all uncharismatic, intolerable, and, worst of all, often boring. The movie’s only redeeming factor was its soundtrack, which included the winning jam “Bad Intentions,” by Knoc-turn’al and Dre himself. Thus proving that Andre Young should just stick to his day job.
Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li
9. STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI (2009)
Starring: Taboo (of Black Eyed Peas)
Why it sucks: To be clear, every role in this dire Street Fighter flick is woefully miscast, from Chris Klein’s hardnosed cop to having a short Irish dude play M. Bison.
So Black Eyed Peas’ Native American member Taboo, cast as clawed Spanish brawler Vega, isn’t entirely to blame. In some ways, his performance is better than group-mate Will.i.am’s in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but at least Will’s movie had solid acting to balance out the narrative and visual miscues. Taboo’s just stuck in one of the worst video game movies ever made. It’d make a compelling chapter in a new autobiography, no doubt.
The Pig People
8. THE PIG PEOPLE (2009)
Starring: Lil Romeo
Why it sucks: Here’s an idea: Someone should make a horror movie that completely rips off The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes, only the inbred psychos seen in those classics should be replaced by half-human/half-swine cross-breeds. Also, it should star Lil Romeo in dreads and take itself seriously despite the fact that it’s called The Pig People, and stars Lil Romeo.
If that sounds like a good idea to you, you’re both delusional and two years too late. Some fools with money to burn already made that movie, and it’s even worse than you’d expect.
Before I Self Destruct
7. BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT (2009)
Starring: 50 Cent, Treach, and Lloyd Banks
Why it sucks: Back in 1993, Robert De Niro both directed and starred in A Bronx Tale, a coming-of-age drama set against a gangster’s backdrop. Two years ago, Curtis Jackson tried to pull a Bobby D with Before I Self Destruct, making his directorial debut for a rags-to-riches Queens tale. Take a guess which one’s a classic and which plays like a film school project overseen by Uwe Boll.
The script, also written by 50, jacks a variety of sources. The G-Unit leader stars as a talented basketball player living in the hood (Above The Rim) whose mother is shot to death inside a bodega (Four Brothers), meaning he has to become a hitman in order to send his college-bound, 13-year-old brother (Doogie Howser, M.D.?) to an Ivy League school.
Oh, and he earns his paychecks by gunning down people in the middle of the day and in public places overpopulated with bystanders, and, naturally, the cops never show up. The Bad Movie Police, however, meet their quota within this bomb’s first five minutes.
State Property
6. STATE PROPERTY (2002)
Starring: Beanie Sigel, Jay-Z, Memphis Bleek, Omilio Sparks, Young Chris, Young Neef, Oschino, Amil
Why it sucks: At their worst, hip-hop movies are exploitative hackjobs that seem to exist solely as reasons to watch buxom video models get naked and stage high school theater quality homicides that serve no storytelling purpose.
Since that describes State Property to the tee, the now-defunct Philadelphia rap crew’s vanity project is undoubtedly one of the worst of its kind. It’s really just an R-rated music video, with excessive amounts of Cognac bottles, bikini babes lounging poolside, and plush S.U.V.’s. For Sigel’s State Prop associates, the movie should be looked upon as a source of momentary superiority. In their music, Sigel’s verses effortlessly bested those of his SP brethren; in State Property, he’s arguably the worst actor of the lot.
Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood
5. LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD (2003)
Starring: Sticky Fingaz
Why it sucks: Are we to assume that the killer leprechaun hails from Compton, not Ireland? Why else would he go “back 2 tha hood”? The most important question, though, is who gives a shit?
Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood is one of those movies that provides hearty laughs when spotted on video store shelves but should never be rented. Unfortunately, we once whipped out our Blockbuster card to witness it for ourselves, and it’s atrocious. If you’re the type who thinks a wrinkly faced leprechaun smoking out of a bong is hilarious, then this is the movie for you. And you deserve all of the minor brain damage that comes from Sticky Fingaz’s “acting” and gore gags of Party City makeup traits.
Impressively, though, the screenwriter avoided the line, “I wants me bling!” Instead, Lep says, “What’s up, ninjas?” At least he’s politically correct.
Soul Plane
4. SOUL PLANE (2004)
Starring: Snoop Dogg and Method Man
Why it sucks: It’s easy to make fun of the Wayans Brothers for their crappy movies, but nothing Shawn, Marlon, and Keenan have made is as catastrophically bad as Soul Plane, an Airplane knockoff for racial profilers.
No ethnic background is safe from Soul Plane’s wrath of equality destruction. For white folks, there’s a family named the Hunkees, complete with a wigger son. Arabs are treated to a scene in which one of their kind boards a plane to the visible horror of his fellow passengers. Not even homosexuals are spared, thanks to a flamboyant co-pilot named, get this, Gaeman. As for black people, they get it the worst; perpetrators such as Snoop Dogg, Method Man, and D.L. Hughley, and Mo’Nique run through every stereotype in the book.
Killa Season
3. KILLA SEASON (2006)
Starring: Cam’ron, Juelz Santana, Hell Rell, Jim Jones, J.R. Writer, 40 Cal
Why it sucks: Is it even fair to call Killa Season a “movie”? In what’s basically an overlong promo for Cam’ron’s 2006 LP of the same name, various Dipset members shoot the shit on Harlem street corners and say “No homo” a bunch of times, as if no director’s camera is in their presence. It’s safe to say that more thought went into the chorus of Cam’s “Suck It Or Not” than went into this pseudo-film’s script.
The few times that Killa Season flirts with the idea of a plot are even less convincing. At one point, two female drug mules poop out bags of coke, a genuinely nauseating scene that almost makes one forget about an earlier bit in which Cam pisses on a dude’s face while repeating “No homo” more than a homophobic Tourette Syndrome patient.
A full-length Jha Jha album would’ve been more welcome than this cinematic monstrosity.
MP Da Last Don
2. MP DA LAST DON (1998)
Starring: Master P, Silkk The Shocker, Mia X, C-Murder, and Snoop Dogg
Why it sucks: If we didn’t know any better, we’d think that MP Da Last Don was Master P’s very own Airplane, with its spoof target being mobster movies. Yet, this altogether terrible flick takes itself quite seriously, and for that it’s downright hilarious.
The plot alone is priceless: Master P plays the son of a mafia boss, named Don Corleone, who takes over the family business. Somebody has clearly seen The Godfather, eh? MP Da Last Don is such a Mario Puzo ripoff that P’s entire movie family is comprised of all white Italians, because, hey, that’s how Michael Corleone’s brood was in The Godfather, right? At times, it even sounds like P is speaking in a bootleg Cuban accent. It wouldn’t be right to not let Tony Montana in on the cinematic thievery, too.
Cool As Ice
1. COOL AS ICE (1991)
Starring: Vanilla Ice
Why it sucks: It’s only right that Vanilla Ice’s performance in his ill-advised shot at movie stardom, Cool As Ice, failed in every way imaginable. After all, he’d already shown that both his rap skills and dance moves were horrid, so watching him drop lines like “Drop that zero and get with the hero” in this 1991 joke of a movie certifies Vanilla’s triple threat (to audiences’ well-being) status. And, just as a reminder of his all-around corniness, Ice performs not one but five original songs in the movie.
At the time of its release, Cool As Ice was molested by critics and ignored by moviegoers; today, it’s a comedy masterpiece for all of the wrong reasons.