The 50 Most Ridiculous Facebook Status Fails

Last night Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook's COO Sheryl Sandberg invited Charlie Rose to their Palo Alto, Calif. headquarters and answered a number of questions regarding the world's largest social network. Mark and Sheryl explained that behind all the money and world domination, Facebook is really just about sharing. Zuckerberg's goal, he said, is to make it easy as possible for everyone to share what they feel comfortable sharing with people they deem fit. You can say his mission has been accomplished. 500 million people use Facebook everyday to share stories, news, and photos. And also, fuckery. Yep, the amount of silliness that goes down on Facebook is ridiculous. So much so that when we went out to try to tamp it down to a nice even 50 examples, it proved to be a super daunting task. But we did it. From horrible spelling and grammar, to people with no filter, we present to you, for your amusement, the 50 Most Ridiculous Facebook Status Fails. Let's call this volume one, shall we?

RELATED: 15 Facebook Fails to Make You LOL

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Look, we get it. You fire up your browser hoping to peep a little carnal action so you can hit the sack before you hit the sack. In the heat of the moment, you can lose sight of what you're doing leading you to mistakenly type the URL of the streaming porn site you were hoping to visit into Facebook's status box. No harm, no foul. Just make sure to delete it immediately.

When you're not used to certain cultures and their appliances, it's easy to be mistaken. Our advice to you is to err on the side of caution. Think the toilet-looking thing next to the toilet is meant for you to drink from? Why not just wait until you get back to your table and grab a glass of water. Don't be like this idiot.

The only redeeming part of this status fail is that the guy is probably too inept to figure out how to take his own life.

Here's what you don't want to do on Facebook: Snitch on yourself. Yet, time after time, as you'll see on this life, people repeatedly do so. This is what happens.

We really, really hope this person was under the age of 13.

Yep, the women at the yogurt shop is a bitch because you didn't know yogurt sat firmly in the dairy food group. This guy says—or attempt to says—he's lactose intolerant, but we doubt dude even know what that means. We blame his physician.

It must really suck to log on to Facebook and learn that you might have the herp. But, hey, Facebook is all about sharing information. We're sure Zuckerberg would be proud. Strap up, kids. Also, kudos to the homie Jason for coining the term Herpocalypse.

What happens in Vegas can now be tracked on Facebook. Wonderful.

Yes, yes you do.

We were riding with Lonny at first. We were empathetic to the plight of his friend's son who was shot in the head and was now in critical condition. Then we scrolled down a bit and saw the meme dude thought was so funny he could not wait to post it. Too soon, man, too damn soon.

So up until that fateful day, young Mahala believed Harriet Tubman helped slaves from the south escape the shackles of slavery by buying a gang of MetroCards and telling them to take the A uptown? We fear for our future leaders.

The wonderful thing about the Internet is that it's a vast treasure trove of information. If you want to know something, all you have to do is type it into a search engine and await the results. Poor Michael could have saved face if he had just went to IMDB.com and discovered that the guy in That 70's Show that bears a striking resemblance to Demi Moore's ex-hubby was actually Ashton Kutcher. He also would have learned that, despite the show's title, it was not made in the 1970s. The more you know.

Sometimes the urge to tell the world—or your friends—about a current event in your life just overcomes you to the point where you blindly and furiously type a message without looking to whom it's been sent. It doesn't happen to us, but we know it happens. Such was the case with Alicia who interjected in a conversation about body-heat regulation with a tale of post-date romping. Here's a general bit of advice: Don't kiss and tell on Facebook.

*Blank stare.*

We can see how one could mistake soccer and baseball, but only if said person was blind.

But she's not. And none of her friends had the heart to tell her. So sad.

This is why we moved to Twitter.

We can't blame the school system for this one. The teacher tried imparting some knowledge onto this young half-wit, and what happens? He thinks he's spitting some conspiracy theory. Complex's word of advice: Open your textbook.

This simpleton has to be 14 years old. That's the only way we can justify her not knowing that before mobile phones there was a time when phones were stationary appliances that used cords to transmit sound.

Ladies, if a guy proposes to you via text message, you should not only ignore the text, but dump the guy immediately. Unless you wish for a life full of romantic struggle.

We get it: It's hard to get it in when you're caring for young kids. And, to be honest, we're not against you getting it poppin' with them in the room. But for the love of Jehovah, please don't announce it on Facebook.

We sort of believe this one to be a complete farce because, really, how the hell could you use Facebook and not known about Google or Amazon?

We're not doubting that Lili loved her pet Guinea Pig, Nemo. We're doubting whether or not she knew she could have just gone to Wikipedia, typed in Guinea Pig, and learned that the species, which has been domesticated since 5000 BC, are not found in the wild. Poor Nemo probably didn't even make it to the river behind her crib.

How much do you want to bet her phone was in hand when she crashed?

At all. Unless it's the University of Phoenix.

Not when she can't spell the word graduate. Put it back in the oven, it's not ready yet.

No, now she's a dumb brunette.

Sometimes you have to roast your boys if they ask dumb-ass questions, but if your friend is as dumb as this guy, it'd behove you to help him out a bit. Either that or un-friend him. He's bringing down the group.

Bless her friends for not telling her and allowing her to rock out with her cooch out.

That awkward moment when you discover your good friend would like to be much better friends with you.

Conversations like these are best had via text message or in person or via instant messenger. Basically, anywhere else besides the open forum that is Facebook.

If you didn't know this by now, let us tell you again: Everyone is one Facebook. Your mom, dad, sister, garbage man, delivery man, and your teachers. If you want to brag about skipping class: don't.

Teachers, in our opinion, are one of the most important professions in the world. We leave our fertile-minded youth in their care for hours and hours each day hoping they're imparting the wisdom and knowledge needed for them to succeed in life. Regardless of what that horrible Cameron Diaz movie said, it's not a job that should be taken lightly. Especially by people who can't spell at a fifth-grade level.

Hey, Dana. Let us answer this conundrum for you. Steak is beef. Beef comes from wows. You can have a pet cow if you have the facilities to care for one. There. Now, please cancel your Facebook account and sign up for a library card. Or get Kindle Prime. Do something.

We're sure the spell check was calling you stupid, Nik. Not stuiped. Stupid, which is apparently what you are.

We're over the moon that Cassidy no longer has to sleep with her father to pay her bills. 2012 will be her year.

If you ever feel like expressing your feelings to a girl we suggest doing it in person, on the phone, via text, or instant message. Never, ever like this. Lest you don't mind all your friends, and the guy that's probably in bed with the girl, laughing at your expense. Smarten up, Nigel.

#TheThirst.

We really hope someone at Facebook—or one of Raven's friends—alerted the authorities or his parents. We also hope the world never ends while he's near his sister when the world ends.

Maybe next time an iTunes Gift Card should be the move.

Remember kids, The Devil's in the details. What are the chances dude got a make-up exam?

Finally, something uglier than a Master P sneaker.

If Maury wanted to branch out into the digital world, we think partnering with Facebook would be a great place to start.

Spelling is everything.

Facebook has 800 million users. That means there are probably hundreds of people with the same first and last name. Make sure whoever you're contacting is really the person you meant to contact.

Punctuation is everything.

It's hard to argue with this guy. Not only is he going to fail, he's probably not even going to try.

We think Mother Nature already has this covered.

To be fair, all signs to point to the rapture being a hoax. After all, Harold Camping's predictions have fallen flat time after time. However, we think it'd do this Facebooker well to actually wait until 2012 before announcing his displeasure with the failed apocalypse. Just sayin'.