What Your T-Shirt Says About You

High-Fashion T-Shirt

Oh, you just "grabbed" a few T-shirts during your last shopping spree? YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, BRUH. You probably manage a streetwear shop or your buddy works the floor at Barneys and hooked you up with his discount and you still paid too much. If you still wear Givenchy T-shirts right now you probably are a rich kid waiting for his trust fund to divest, or you are a "rapper" releasing a mixtape that makes Joe Budden seem relevant.

Fashion Parody T-Shirt

You’re an insider. You "get" edgy editorials that everyone else dismisses as sophomoric attempts at being disruptive. But you also love Arrested Development and tweet about eating fast food to let everyone know you’re still a regular human being. How do you flex this incredibly well-roundedness? You rock high fashion parody shirts to let everyone know not only do you have Wikipedia-like knowledge on high fashion, but you can pronounce every single fashion house’s name impeccably with the right accents, while at the same time not taking anything too seriously. You know, except maybe yourself. Also, if you just bought one of these you are way too late and everyone will absolutely blame you for ruining a trend.

I Love NY T-Shirt

There's two options with the Milton Glaser classic. One: You don’t really love New York. You went there once for summer vacation and it was cool, but all you remember is how expensive a fucking burrito was. And the guy who made it had a gold miner’s beard and didn’t even wash his hands. So it’s more like “I kinda like NY, when it doesn’t smell like piss and I was eating at Sbarro.” Two: You bought this shirt to tell everyone about Milton Glaser as a pathetic attempt to justify your graphic design degree.

Beer T-Shirt

You really wanted the Supreme version of the Budweiser shirts, but they sold out and only had the yellow colorway left. No one buys the yellow version of any Supreme T-shirt, so you picked up a tee from the gas station. That or you simply buy all your clothing at gas stations because you have no class.

Internet Cool Guy T-Shirt

You know JJJJOUND. And by "know", I mean he had a photo of yours on his site. You own several skateboard decks. Just the decks. You own actual high fashion pieces like a Celine tunic and buy your girl Carven resort wear. You can’t believe Virgil didn’t send you Yeezus early. I mean, you guys exchanged two whole emails! You are in the process of starting your own "clothing line" right now, in the middle of your macroeconomics class.

Ed Hardy T-Shirt

I’m not sure you still exist. Or you do a lot of your shopping at TJ Maxx, Filene’s Basement, Nordstrom Rack or another regional discount clothing chain. Just as likely, your mom does your shopping for you.

Luxe Basic T-Shirt

You shop at Muji, but never Ikea. And when someone spills their heirloom bloody mary on your "basic" white tee at brunch, it ruins the rest of your week.

Basic Hanes White T-Shirt

You are a sensible guy that realizes he is messy and clumsy and just gross enough to buy T-shirts by the 5-pack. You do not look like Steve McQueen in your T-shirt and jeans. You look like your dad in the morning.

V-Neck T-Shirt

You sweat a lot and you’re not trying to sweat through your Finamore, so you sensibly wear an undershirt that has a v-neck so that people don’t know you’re a sweaty guy that has to wear undershirts. You might also just have a really fat neck.

Deep V-Neck T-Shirt

You and I probably don’t get along. Unless you’re a girl. Then you should absolutely wear deep v-necks and tight jeans all the time. If you’re a dude, you probably have a "really cool tattoo" that is a snake, a jaguar or a Tamagotchi that represents some struggle in your life. At first I thought deep V's were emblematic of sensitive, arty kids, but I think that era ended not with a bang, but a whimper.

Leather T-Shirt

Uh, hate to break it to you man, but you don’t smell very good. Or you smell fucking amazing because you have the kind of money that buys the colognes they sell at Dover Street Market and those colognes smell amazing. You drive a really expensive car and wear a really expensive watch. You have three numbers in your phone of people with over 30,000 Twitter followers. Your insecurity regarding your sexual prowess has influenced every decision you have ever made.

"Cool" Streetwear T-Shirt

Despite the shopping experience at Supreme leading me to believe anyone who wears this gear will basically ignore you despite the wads of cash you are trying to give them, most people I’ve met that wear cool guy streetwear brands are incredibly nerdy. So you are probably a nerd. Or incredibly cool and have a job that involves ethnically ambiguous model chicks. But more likely you’re a nerd.

"Regular Ass" Streetwear T-Shirt

Sigh. There’s this McDonald’s by my girl’s house and whenever we go there there’s this kid Devon who is always angry and giving zero fucks about his job. He always wears the McDonald’s visor, not hat, and sags his black work pants. We call him Surly Devon. In my mind, Surly Devon wears T-shirts like this and insists everyone on his shift refer to him simply as “D”. Of course, no one refers to him as “D”, which enrages Surly Devon even more. He never gives you extra ranch when you ask for it.

Vintage Band T-Shirt

If you are girl, you wear these with tiny denim shorts and combat boots and every straight guy you meet had at least two fantasies of having unprotected sex with you. If you are a guy, you probably just got done fantasizing about having unprotected sex with the girl I just described.

Indie Band Merch T-Shirt

Your greatest accomplishment was when you fingerbanged the mousey girl from Cleveland in your car after the show in Chicago you drove all the way from Des Moines to see. Your goal in life is to one day fingerbang a girl from Brooklyn.

Rapper Merch T-Shirt

You are 12-years-old with your entire life ahead of you to be cool. You will never be cool.

Scoop Neck T-Shirt

I dunno. You could be cool like Kanye or douchey like Kanye. Scoop necks, like Yeezus, have the ability of going either way. But one thing I do know, you probably have really nice collarbones. You're probably training for scoop neck season right now.

Pocket T-Shirt

You’re a pretty normal dude. You never put anything in the pocket of your pocket tee, but you like the added reassurance that if you needed an extra pocket in a location that is not your pants, you have one.

Athletic Technical T-Shirt

Personally, I don’t know you if you wear super technical T-shirts like this. Under Armour? What the fuck? Why can’t you jog in one of those Hanes T-shirt like everyone else? This shit makes you look like you’re training for the Olympics or you actually partake in Cross Fit, whatever the fuck that is. You definitely know what a kettle bell is. You also definitely don’t wear any type of shirt when you run outside in the summer.

College T-Shirt

You are a character in a romantic comedy who has reluctantly returned to their home town after years of living in New York City. Or you’re a parent who just realized your idiot of a spawn is gonna need money in the amount of a brand new car every 12 months so that they can learn about things like chiaroscuro.

Sweatshirt T-Shirt

You are Rocky Balboa. Or you just smell like him. Or you have a vintage motorcycle that you’ll never restore or ride because you can die on one of those things!

Organic Cotton T-Shirt

You probably do things like choose to be a vegetarian or vegan because you get off on the asceticism, but mask it by saying things like, “It’s a sacrifice I made for the planet. I just can’t stand the thought of murdering animals just to eat their flesh.” YEAH BECAUSE THE MILLIONS OF ACRES IT WOULD TAKE TO GROW ENOUGH VEGETABLES IF THE WHOLE WORLD WERE VEGETARIAN WOULDN’T DISPLACE A FUCK TON OF ANIMALS OUT OF THEIR NATURAL HABITATS. This T-shirt is organic and pesticide free, but unfortunately its owner has been poised by self-righteousness.

Threadless T-Shirt

You designed your own T-shirt? AMAZING. This is one available on the site right now. It’s a DRY MARTINI. GET IT? GET IT? A. DRY. MARTINI. If you designed this tee you deserve your lot in life. If you buy this tee you deserve your lot in life.

Tie-Dye T-Shirt

You run a medical marijuana dispensary and you ALWAYS knew Birkenstocks would come back into style.

Howling Wolf T-Shirt

Each wolf represents one of the three women you've had sex with.