Image via Complex Original
You waited seven months and now your patience is in the process of paying off. The NFL is back. And, like all openers, hope springs eternal as every team right now thinks they have a title shot (at least those teams that didn't watch the Seahawks crush the Packers on Thursday). This weekend is a sacred one that either served as an appetizer for bigger things to come, or a dose of reality that this isn't your year (again). Whether you're hopping on the bandwagon or jumping off a (hopefully) metaphoric bridge, we got you covered with a round-up of this week's biggest NFL stories both on, and off the field. With that we take a look at What the Fuck Happened in the NFL This Week.
Colts owner Jim Irsay was suspended for six games (and fined six figures).
Date: September 2
We've seen the NFL (under Roger Goodell) throw out seemingly random punishments for violations of both the league's code of conduct and the law. As evidence we propose the inexplicable lengths of both Josh Gordon and Ray Rice's suspensions. But this week the NFL handed down another judgment, this time to Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay for operating a vehicle while intoxicated (this coming after an OWI and possession of a controlled substance charge several months earlier). For these grievances the NFL sent down a six-game suspension and a $500,000 fine. Irsay, of course, is worth $1.6 billion meaning that this effects him about as much as you dropping a quarter on the sidewalk. Still, it was the maximum fine allowed under NFL rules.
Michael Sam is signed to the Dallas Cowboys practice squad.
Date: September 2
After a pretty solid preseason with the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam found himself a victim of the last wave of cuts by the Missouri franchise. For about ten minutes, it looked like his football career was over. But (if nothing else) Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones knows how to make a splash and he signed Sam to be a member of the Cowboys 10-player practice squad, meaning he'll go through the rigors of an NFL season Monday-Saturday without getting to compete on the only day that matters, Sunday. That being said, NFL practice squads aren't the hell that the last episode of Hard Knocks makes them out to be. You're always a few injuries away from joining the active roster and the salary pays a minimum of $6,300 a week.
Related: Michael Sam Is Reportedly Going to Join the Cowboys' Practice Squad
Wes Welker gets suspended for taking a banned substance.
Date: September 2
He was already out with a concussion, so it doesn't really matter that the Denver Broncos' five-time Pro Bowl receiver Wes Welker will miss the first quarter of the season after testing positive for amphetamines. Originally, it was reported that Welker's suspension stemmed from taking Molly at the Kentucky Derby (anybody who's ever sat through the waits between horse races can understand this), but earlier today it was clarified that his suspension came as a result from taking Adderall. For his part, Welker has denied taking PEDs which puts him in good company, from Rafael Palmeiro to Mark McGwire to Ryan Brau--oh wait, never mind.
Related: Wes Welker Reportedly Busted For Molly, Suspended Four Games by NFL
Related: Tom Brady Has "No Comment" on Whether or Not He Saw Wes Welker Popping Molly (Video)
Josh Gordon got a job as a car salesman.
Date: September 4
Last year he led the NFL in receiving yards. This year (thanks to a season-long suspension) he'll be hocking Chevys courtesy of the Sarchione Auto Group. Some people would call that a fall akin to dropping off a cliff. The Sarchione Auto Group would call it "a promotion."
Related: According to Josina Anderson, Josh Gordon Has a New Job as a Car Salesman in Ohio
Johnny Manziel is trying to trademark the name "Johnny Cleveland."
Date: September 4
And if that doesn't work, we know Johnny Bench is available. Hahahahahahaha.
Oh wait, no it isn't.
Related: Johnny Manziel Is Trying to Trademark the Nickname "Johnny Cleveland"
The Bengals re-signed a former player so he could pay for his daughter's cancer treatments.
Date: September 4
You may think that all NFL stories are bad, but you should rest easy knowing that only most of them are. That's because (occasionally) good news comes out of the league, and one of those positive exceptions reached the newswire this week in the form of the Cincinnati Bengals re-signing defensive tackle Devon Still so he could have benefits (like health insurance) and a paycheck to pay for his four-year-old daughter Leah's cancer treatments. At only 25-years-old, you'd think Still would be nearing the prime of his career, but instead he spent the offseason distracted from football (cancer in your child would tend to do that) which left him at a disadvantage when cuts came around. The subsequent move by the Bengals to add him to the practice squad will give him over $100,000 this season, the aforementioned health benefits and less time on the road, allowing him to be with his daughter for the months ahead.
Related: The Bengals Re-Signed DT Devon Still So He Can Pay For His Daughter's Cancer Treatment
Antonio Brown jump kicked a punter.
Date: September 7
Easily the most ridiculous play of the week came when Pittsburgh Steelers punt returner Antonio Brown fucking jump kicked Browns punter Spencer Lanning directly in the face during a return. Regardless of the well deserved 15-yard penalty that came with the kick, it'll have players thinking twice before trying to take Brown down in the open field.
Related: Steelers' Antonio Brown Penalized After Kicking Browns Punter Spencer Lanning in the Face (GIF)
Worst play of the week: Maurice Jones Drew.
Date: September 7
Also known as: Raiders Play of the Week. It's not quite Mark Sanchez running into his center's ass but still, it works.
Related: Raiders' Maurice Jones-Drew Catches Soccer Fever, Performs Bicycle Kick on Fumble (GIF)
Tony Romo throws three interceptions in the first half against San Francisco.
Date: September 7
It's an annual rite of passage for Tony Romo to have a humbling game that peaks the interest of Twitter and results in national mockery. Usually though, it happens around Christmas. That could still happen this season but it would come in addition to the rough first half he suffered earlier today when he threw three picks leading to a 28-3 deficit to the 49ers at halftime.
A Cleveland Browns fan loses it in a video rant.
Date: September 7
We're not sure where to start with this one: 1. It's just a game. 2. It's just Week One. 3. Jesus, man! focus on the road. While many of us are waiting to see Johnny Manziel get on the field, we doubt any of you want it more than this guy. Unless you're reading this wrap-up from a hospital after a self-inflicted coronary.
Even then it would still be debatable.
Related: This Is What Happens When Your Team Is Down 27-3 at Halftime (Video)
JaDeveon Clowney will undergo knee surgery for a torn meniscus.
Date: September 7
We're not sure what Texans fans have to look forward to beyond a J.J. Watt-JaDeveon Clowney pass rushing tandem. For now, you can cut that in half. That's because the NFL's most recent No. 1 overall pick couldn't even make it through his pro debut without needing knee surgery for a torn meniscus. You can expect to see him again in four-to-six weeks, and in that span expect to see that same Michigan helmet popping hit 25-50 times whenever you hear a progress report.
Related: Texans Fear Jadeveon Clowney Will Need Knee Surgery
The Most Meme'd NFL Player of the Week: Dez Bryant.
Date: September 7
Cliff notes: Tony Romo has a rough day. Tony Romo makes a bad pass. Dez Bryant gets absolutely popped going up for that pass. The internet seizes upon this.
What comes both above and below is a tie of the top submissions from people who watch their NFL Sundays with Photoshop open. Because of their tireless work, we pay homage to their efforts, before they're lost in a sea of a billion others.
