Retired slugger Sammy Sosa can't win. First, he gets shown up by Mark McGwire in the infamous home run race of 1998, and now he misses making it onto our 100 Best Sports Moments of the Decade list because he pulled off his "enlightening" Michael Jackson impersonation a few days too late.

Last week, Slammin' Sammy showed up to an event in Las Vegas for the 2009 Latin Grammy Awards looking paler than a ghost, like he'd just seen himself in the mirror and gotten scared by how light skinned he was (real chicken-and-egg shit). While we all wondered if he was on some throwback self-hatred or maybe just a really big fan of the Twilight franchise, Sammy's reps claimed that his new Caucasian complexion was a side effect from skin rejuvenation treatment—which is ironic, considering that it looks like the life has drained out of his face. Whatever the case is, it's a losing look, so we decided to bring you a history of Sosa's biggest fails...

sosajhericurl

THE SOSA JHERI CURL
DATE: June 16, 1989
SOSA FAIL: Sosa burst onto the big league scene sportin' the oh-so-silky-smooth Jheri curl. He switched it up as his career went on, but as you can see from this photo, Sammy still loves the relaxer. If he were any more relaxed his hair would be snoring.

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sosamcgwire

2ND BEST JUICER
DATE: September 8, 1998
SOSA FAIL: In the home run record chase of 1998, Mark McGwire broke Roger Maris' single-season home run record by hitting number 62 in a game against Sosa's Cubs. Sammy hit his 58th of the season earlier that game and finished the year with 65 dingers to Big Mac's 70. Obviously they were both juicing, one just did it better. Second place is the first loser, Sammy, especially when your testicles are just as shriveled.

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sosacorked

CORKED BAT
DATE:June 3, 2003
SOSA FAIL: In a game vs. the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Sosa was ejected from the game in the first inning when his bat broke and umpires discovered his bat was corked. Afterward he was suspended for eight games. Guess he was afraid his steroid use would be exposed if he played small ball.

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sosasneeze

SNEEZE SENDS SOSA TO DL
DATE: May 2004
SOSA FAIL: During pre-game interviews with reporters before playing against the San Diego Padres, Sosa sneezed so violently that he injured his back. He was later placed on the disabled list with back spasms. All we can say is, at least he didn't pull something while trying to dome himself out. That would be a very foul ball.

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Sosa-Congress

NO HABLA INGLES
DATE: March 17, 2005
SOSA FAIL: In the MLB Congressional steroid hearings, Sosa had his attorney testify on his behalf because—after 20 years of being in the States and countless interviews—he suddenly couldn't speak English as well as the Taco Bell Dog. FOH.

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BONUS: HIGH HEAT 2001 COMMERCIAL
DATE: March 8, 2000
SOSA FAIL: In this commercial for 3DO's PC Game High Heat Major League Baseball 2001, Sammy claims "It's soo reeeaaall!" Too bad that shit looked like something that should have come out on Atari.

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RELATED: Complex's Top 100 Sports Moments of the 2000s!