The 5 New Amazon Pilots Reviewed in 10 Words

Image via Amazon

Stars: Chloë Sevigny, Adam Brody, Carrie MacLemore, Adriano Giannini, Jordan Rountree

Plot synopsis: Moneyed white young things, that Whit Stillman staple, pal around Paris, trying to be Parisian. Conversation over champagne about social niceties ensues.

10-word review: A fantasia of whiteness, scored by Motown, with daft wit.

So, should you watch? If you're familiar with writer-director Whit Stillman's previous work about bourgie whites, you already know that this is a loaded question. It is entirely possible to experience nothing but knee-jerk loathing at the sight and sound of these WASPy airheads obssessing over reputation and how to act in a given social situation. Stillman's work is a kind of fantasy, though, existing in a—forgive me— Proustian world where social status is everything and also something to be discussed in only out-dated ways. If you can't get past the characters, don't give up on it just yet—Stillman's direction and editing are lovely, full of graceful transitions built around rhyming images. He also knows how to cut between conversations to give jokes maximum bite. You might want to burn these people in a purifying fire, but the formal decisions are beautiful. — Ross Scarano

Stars: Jay Chandrasekhar, Selma Blair, Sarah Chalke, Hayes MacArthur, Brittney Alger, Sophia Bui, Lindsay Sloane

Plot synopsis: A group of tied down thirty-somethings try to hold onto the shreds of their youth, despite the demands of marriage and adulthood.

10-word review: Marriage sucks and is just a constant yearning for blowjobs.

So, should you watch? Really comes from a long line of TV comedies focused on the intricacies of marriage (there's another one that just started called Married on FXX), so if you're into that thing… It's one of those shows you might watch if you stumbled across it while channel-surfing—it's harmless in a pleasing way and sometimes benevolently funny. Everyone's likable enough; everyone's economically well-off. But you can't stumble across this show. It's on Amazon.com. What I'm saying is, I'm not sure Really is worth the effort of typing in a URL. —Andrew Gruttadaro

Stars: Mena Suvari, James McDaniel, Josh Stewart, T.R. Knight, Ella Rae Peck, Jenessa Grant, Laura San Giacomo, Adan Canto

Plot synopsis: A doctor with a troubled past returns to her hometown of Austin, Texas to get to the bottom of a deadly epidemic seemingly spread by social media.

10-word review: A thriller that unintentionally comes off as a genre parody.

So, should you watch? Anyone who's been waiting for Mena Suvari to make a comeback since her American Pie heyday will have to keep waiting. Watching Hysteria almost makes you wonder if its actors also know how cringe-worthy the show is. It's loaded with uninspired medical drama clichés; even worse, its events are triggered by a contrived plot device seemingly inspired by Alicia Silverstone's The Crush. Essentially, just, no. — Tara Aquino

Stars: Craig Roberts, Jennifer Grey, Paul Reiser, Ennis Esmer

Plot synopsis: A kid takes a summer job as a tennis pro at his hometown country club before starting his final year at NYU.

10-word review: Adventureland, if it was actually filmed in the mid-'80s.

So, should you watch? The creative team behind Red Oaks, including director David Gordon Green (All the Real Girls, Prince Avalanche) and Steven Soderbergh (does the guy ever sleep?), were so in love with '80s coming-of-age comedies they made one for themselves. The pitch-perfect John Hughes revivalism, right down to the slow-motion babe shots, is more loving homage than simple pastiche. Craig Roberts, of indie favorite Submarine, is an inspired lead, channeling all the awkward horniness and blasé ennui the genre demands. There's also an appearance by Jennifer Grey, in yet another wink to Reagan-era romance, that hits the spot. Red Oaks may be a retread, but it's so damn charming it works in spite of itself. —Nathan Reese

Stars: Ron Perlman, Dana Delany, Alona Tal, Garret Dillahunt, Julian Morris

Plot synopsis: Ron Perlman takes a turn at vigilantism after a brutal attack on his family goes unpunished. Perlman hears the word of god and speaks in tongues as old-time religion takes center stage in this supernatural drama.

10-word review: Could easily be mistaken for mid-week CBS programming.

So, should you watch? If you're dying to see Ron Perlman scene-chew his way through 60 minutes minus the Hell Boy prosthetics, yeah, go nuts. There are some neat conceits, such as, Perlman being possessed by the more vengeful aspects of the Holy Spirit, but Hand of God seems top-heavy directly out of the gate. Religion makes a useful foil when it isn't wielded as a convenient plot device; Hand of God, though, leans heavily on Bible verse and paper-thin Sunday School references to hold up for a full hour. — Hanuman Welch