The MTV Movie Awards are here, and they're one of the craziest award shows of the year. No, they're not as prestigious as the Oscars nor as boozy as the Golden Globes, but hey, Conan O'Brien is hosting. And sometimes things like Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling reenacting their kiss from The Notebook happens. We're not sure what would top that, but fingers crossed. Ready?
8:40 PM: The first award of the night is, for some reason, announced on the red carpet. Will Poulter wins for "Best Breakthrough Performance"—he was the "son" in We're the Millers. Did that many people go see that movie? Poulter accepts his award and we discover that he is surprisingly British.
8:52 PM: E! isn't hosting the red carpet, so we're being treated to four no-name hosts and some puppies in costumes instead of Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and Ross Matthews. We never thought we'd say this, but we miss the mani cam. It makes so much more sense than a random box of puppies.
9:04 PM: Conan opens with 50—count 'em—50 celebrity cameos. Can we just say, Tracy Jordan Morgan as Banksy would totally happen on 30 Rock. And Jenna would be pissed.
9:15 PM: Jared Leto wins "Best Onscreen Transformation." He and his lustrous hair accept the award. He's also wearing a sparkly jacket over a Hawaiian shirt. This probably won't do much to dispel the rumors that he is dating Lupita Nyong'o, who presented him with the award. Leto uses his speech to advocate for HIV/AIDS research, and the girls in the front row are mesmerized. P.S. He took a helicopter straight from Coachella, because duh.
9:25 PM: Seth MacFarlane and Amanda Seyfried fuck up their intro for "Best Comedic Performance." "This is going about as well as the Oscars," Seth says. Jonah Hill wins for The Wolf of Wall Street. Watch Superbad again (we love it) and remember that he's a two-time Oscar nominee.
He calls Leonardo DiCaprio loyal and the best actor he's ever worked with and shouts out his buddies from This is the End. We're glad he's not getting all serious now that he gets nominated for stuff.
9:25 PM: A band called Twenty One Pilots is playing, and everyone is wearing Spring Breakers-style masks. Apparently they toured with Fall Out Boy last year. OK. Here's a GIF of Conan kiss-fighting Will Arnett:
9:40 PM: Leto presents "Best Villain" by offering snuggles and gas money for a ride back to Coachella. We'll take it! Anyway, Mila Kunis wins for Oz the Great and Powerful. We forgot about that movie! But we love her, so just go with it.
9:48 PM: Jessica Alba and Rita Ora present "the Oscar for abs" in amazing outfits. Like, they look so good that we don't even care about "Best Shirtless Performance." OK, yes we do. The award goes to Zac Efron. He really is a magical unicorn. Rita tells him repeatedly to take his shirt off. He doesn't, so she does it for him. YES! Thank you. Just do that Zac, and don't talk.
9:58 PM: Mila Kunis presents Channing Tatum with the "Trailblazer Award." Wasn't 2013 the year of Channing? This is the McConaissance, people. Tatum's 21 Jump Street costar Jonah Hill gives him the actual award, and admits that a good-looking guy becoming a movie star isn't exactly trailblazing. But they're still best buds, and they really had amazing chemistry in 21 Jump Street. "I'm not really sure what I did to deserve this," Tatum says. He really is presh, though we're not sure why he's getting this either.
Tatum ends his speech by saying he "got the dick pic"—we really, really hope that means MTV puts a dick on the teleprompter when they want you to shut up.
10:10 PM: Eminem and Rihanna perform "Monster." Nothing against this song but we really wish Nicki Minaj was performing. Remember when Eminem did "The Real Slim Shady" at the 2000 VMAs with all those clones? Epic. We're still talking about it fourteen years later.
10:15 PM: Dave Franco, Seth Rogen and Zac Efron are presenting "Best Kiss." Two girls get brought up to kiss Franco and Efron..sadly we're guessing they're paid models. Rogen gets his "mom" (they French sooo, probably not). Will Poulter, Jennifer Aniston and Emma Watson win for We're the Millers. Seriously, did anyone see that movie?! Neither of the ladies are there, which is sad for Will Poulter.
10:27 PM: The ladies of The Other Woman present "Best Male Performance." Can we agree that Josh Hutcherson is out of his league here wtih Leo, McConaughey, Chiwetel Ejiofor, etc.? Somehow, he still wins. Those Hunger Games fans sure are rabid. Jennifer Lawrence apparently won "Best Female Performance" for the same movie, but Cameron Diaz announces it as a hey, P.S., this happened. OK?
10:31 PM: Jordana Brewster remembers her friend Paul Walker. No snark here, friends.
10:33 PM: Shailene Woodley accepts her "Favorite Character" (or something) award from one of the random red carpet hosts, and not onstage. What is happening? What is the point of coming if you can't even accept your award?
10:38 PM: "Best Fight" goes to Orlando Bloom and Evangeline Lilly. They fight the Orcs in The Hobbit. Hasn't this already happened? Bloom thanks the stuntmen and women, which is very nice. He also says Legolas could kick Ron Burgundy's ass. That we don't doubt. Now the guys from Entourage come out. Seriously, what year is it?
10:43 PM: Mark Wahlberg accepts the "Generation Award," which is totally appropriate and deserved. We really want him to rap some "Good Vibrations" though. Or drop his pants. Marky Mark forever.
10:53 PM: But like, why aren't Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield and Jamie Foxx actually there? Also, Jamie Foxx has a neck tattoo now?
10:55 PM: Ellie Goulding and Zedd perform, and it is very ethereal and amazing. And then dance-y. So, the usual.
11:05 PM: Johnny Depp comes out in what is apparently the climax of the telecast. He's presenting "Best Movie," though he doesn't really seem to care about it. We won't even comment on his outfit, which is out Johnny Depp-ing Johnny Depp.
"The Hunger Games" wins, because teenage fans vote for this shit. J. Law isn't even there! Or Liam! Josh Hutcherson remembers Phillip Seymour Hoffman, which was very thoughtful. OK kids, we're out.