If you were expecting MTV's Teen Mom 3 to flip the script on us, bad news—judging by this two-hour (!!!) premiere, we're all in for more of the same. Give it 30 minutes and you'll be playing the "Spot the Next Farrah Abraham" game, too. Right now smart money is on Mackenzie, but that could change. It's only the beginning of the season, after all.
In the first episode, we were introduced to our four new teen moms—but we've actually already been introduced to them before when they were all on 16 & Pregnant, so nothing shocking here.
First up, Briana. She offers up the "shocking" news that her sister, Brittany, got pregnant at the same time she did, but opted to have an abortion. If you've got two teenage girls from the same family who didn't think to use protection upon becoming sexually active, you know there might be a problem with, like, sexual education at large.
The two go out to dinner with their mother, and have a conversation about being sexually active as teens. Brittany breaks it down: Teens aren't running through fields of dandelions and daffodils anymore, they're having sex, because "this isn't the '40s." Thank you, Brittany. Now we're all going to have to reconcile WWII with the those fields of flowers.
Next up is Katie, whose life is the classic basis for a Lifetime movie: She had a promising future before she got knocked up, and had to forgo college in Denver to stay with her baby daddy back home and raise her daughter, Molli. Nightmare much? Let's turn it up a notch: During the two-hour premiere, her boyfriend, Joey, proposes, and Katie says yes, despite the both of them barely ever being able to see each other because she works retail and he works in the coal mines of Wyoming at night. This is definitely going to go well. Totally.
Then, Mackenzie, who seems all optimistic and happy-go-lucky about her life as a high school junior with a six-month old child, until she goes out for an anniversary dinner with her clearly disinterested boyfriend, Josh. He won't even make eye contact with her, and she tries to guilt him into being nice to her by saying she "tried to love him" on the date. He shrugs, which is probably what many 16-year-old teenage boys faced with fatherhood would do, and Mackenzie ends the night looking like this:
He later reveals to his friends (for the cameras? Discuss) that he really does love Mackenzie, and he then decides to show it in the most 21st century teen way possible: He texts her. And she's so happy with that! Because, really, who needs a phone call, or a visit, when you can just get text message? Your heart, is it fluttering?
Lastly, there's Alex, who introduces herself by saying that she's going to give her baby up for adoption, but decided not to because she just couldn't go through with it after seeing her daughter. So, she decides to go all "Papa Don't Preach" Madonna on her parents, and tell them that she's keeping her baby despite the fact that she's a teenager yadda yadda yadda, every reason that a TV movie would cover to scare parents into never letting their teenage daughter leave the house again. Fast-forward two years, and her baby daddy Matt is a "different person" after going to rehab. He's still around for the sake of their daughter, but after Alex accuses him of skimming off the top when she gives him money dinner, that doesn't seem like it'll be the case for much longer. That's OK, though, because he's an asshole. Seriously, Lifetime, get on this.
The rest of the episode is really no different than anything we've seen on Teen Mom in the past: The girls are in way over their heads, and the dudes all need to change their entire wardrobes and take a sex ed class.
There are a lot of lessons to be learned from the new teen moms this week, but since it's the premiere, let's just go with the overall theme of the premiere as Teen Mom's reason of the week to use a damn condom: If you don't, your life will not be like a fairy tale episode of some '90s sitcom, and, most importantly, that part-time job at a kids clothing store is not going to come close to covering the cost of diapers and an unlimited texting plan (which then forces you to miss important "i <3 u ;)" texts from your significant other).
Now, let's see how far I'll get this season before I gouge my eyes out.