Bienvenidos a Miami, a world of parties that don't stop and people you wish would. The magic city is a beautiful beach town with a little-known rich cultural heritage (no, seriously). It's also a tropical paradise teeming with flashy nouveau riche hordes (and the dregs of the Old Money set) battling their boredom. By night, it's that same crowd, just drunk. Fun!

We went, we saw, and we cringed, and with our help, you too can survive the super-thirsty scene that is Miami nightlife. These are 25 douchey watering holes you should avoid (or frequent, depending on how tight your Ed Hardy shirt is). So sit back, pull your e-cig out, and revel in the heat and unsophisticated faux-glamour of the worst drinking establishments in South Beach, and beyond.

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