Image via Complex Original
Considering that many of us glean our sexual knowledge from a flawed combination of middle school health class and bad pornography, seeking sound advice online about bumping uglies seems to be the lesser of two (or three, or four) evils.
But all advice is not created equal. Both men and women's websites regularly instruct us to do things that would baffle the average bed-mate. No, she doesn't want you to paddle her breasts like a you're dribbling a basketball. No, he would not enjoy you pouring hot coffee over his testicles.
The struggle to find quality advice is real, and the Internets are teeming with questionable tips for "spicing things up" that may or may not result in humiliation and injury.
Think twice before trying these at home: The 50 Worst Pieces of Sex Advice on the Internet.
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50. Dye Job
Source: Women's Health
What They Say: "Pick up a box of drugstore hair color (the kind that eventually washes out) and go to town on each other. You'll get that sexy hands-on-the-scalp feeling along with the risky excitement of not knowing quite how it's going to turn out."
What We Say: That tingly sensation is not sexy. It's called burning. Your flesh is actually burning.
49. Sour Patches
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on the sour candy for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body—like behind your knees, on your left nipple, near your collarbone. Then he has to use his sense of taste to find those areas."
What We Say: Make love, not warheads.
48. Sex 101
Source: Essence
What They Say: "Ready to instantly spice things up? Call or text him and give him a little 'love homework' to bring home. Ask him to make a list of the 10 places on your body he'd like to kiss you, or his 5 favorite spots to have sex. The anticipation will build as he completes his assignment and he will be eager to turn it in and practice what he's learned."
What We Say: No one likes homework. Not even the sexy kind.
47. The Reverse Pearl Neclace
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "To really blow his mind, break out the bling-bling and wear nothing but jewelry to bed: It'll fulfill his Vegas-showgirl fantasy. Graze the nape of his neck with your chandelier earrings. Slip on a stack of bangles and create a clamor under the comforter. Or skim your superlong strand of faux pearls up and down his legs. (Earn bonus points if you tie him to the bedpost with them.)"
What We Say: What man dreams of being draped in pearls? We're so confused.
46. Can I Kick It?
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Get pleasure from his feet: lie down, legs apart, then he should then use his big toe to stimulate your clitoris."
What We Say: You're not punting a football. This is her vagina—keep your big toe away.
45. Take a Walk on the Wild Side
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
What We Say: Or, make her think you're insane. But go ahead, take that gamble.
44. Sex, Sashimi-Style
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Pick up a couple of sushi rolls, lie down on your couch, and invite your man to enjoy a meal off your naked body. If he's not a fan of raw fish, use Gummi bears instead."
What We Say: Is this sex, or an elaborate way to contract salmonella poisoning?
43. Don't Get Handsy
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "If you think kisses on the hand are more innocent than those bestowed on other parts of his body, you haven't tried this one: Place the tip of your tongue on the webbed area at the base of his fingers, then slowly slide your way up the side. This move will give him goose bumps because this area is very sensitive but, like the nerves of his inner ear, rarely gets much attention, says Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed."
What We Say: This is not what he meant when he said he wanted a hand job.
42. Beer Facial
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Give him a beer facial. Your guy will probably pass on a mani-pedi or anything involving hot wax, but he'll dig this manlier beauty treatment now popping up at select spas: the brewski facial. The combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves his skin's elasticity...but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavoured face. and see his grin widen."
What We Say: Let's leave the facials for the esthetician, and focus on the getting naked part.
41. Say What
Source: Men's Fitness
What They Say: "'A combination of hot and cold touches can be as arousing as clamps. Use ice cubes—it's almost painful, and that can be super hot for a lot of women,' Somoza says. She also suggests a lesser-known object: fur mitts."
What We Say: One Google image search of "fur mitts" is sure to make you reconsider.
40. Taxicab Confessions
Source: Essence
What They Say: "You've finally decided to take a break from the mundane everyday and go out for a night on the town with your man, who by the way, is looking incredible. Hooking up in a taxicab is a great way to start the night and really let loose. Sure, the cabbie is going to take notice, but if you slip him a little extra, there's no way he'll mind."
What We Say: Warning: Taxicab may crash as a result from the driver spending too much time looking at the rear-view mirror.
39. So Fresh and So Clean
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Suggest bringing the car to the car wash. Once you're rolling through the tunnel on the conveyor, reach over, undo his pants, and go down on him. It's road head without the danger of crashing or getting pulled over by the cops. No worries if he doesn't climax by the time the wash cycle is over; just head straight home to finish what he'll now think of as the hottest foreplay he ever received."
What We Say: Sounds like the only one getting a happy ending is the car.
38. Staring Contest
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "According to the Journal of Research in Personality, people who are deeply in love stare at each other 30 to 40 percent more than other couples do, and are slower to look away during an interruption. So next time he locks eyes with you, or vice versa, treat it like a staring contest—the longer you can hold the gaze, the hotter it will be."
What We Say: People who are deeply in love get lost in each other's eyes unconsciously. People who try to make their relationship deeper than it is by consciously staring at each other reveal that one of them has a lazy eye.
37. Of Mice and Men
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice."
What We Say: The only thing eating a cup of Dannon is key to is indigestion.
36. Mission Impossible
Source: Women's Health
What They Say: "This is challenging: She lies on her back while you straddle her facing away. She lifts her legs and wraps them around your back to elevate her pelvis so you can enter. She then grabs your butt to help you slide up and back. She can add a little massage action to her grip also."
What We Say: Sex shouldn't require an instruction manual.
35. Mozart's Masterpiece
Source: Glamour
What They Say: "Did you play piano as a kid? No? Doesn't matter. Palm his sack in your free hand and play your made up weird piano song with your fingers. Hear that groan he just made? That's a song you just wrote! Way to go, Ball Mozart."
What We Say: Who needs piano lessons when you can just practice "Chopsticks" on his testicles?
34. Baked Goods
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off."
What We Say: How about give him the donut (you know, to eat) and then give him oral. Seems like a better way to provide satisfaction, no?
33. Foot in the Mouth
Source: Glamour
What They Say: "Toes are not only adorable little piggies, they are sexy little cingale, waiting for the ravening wood that is your tongue to awaken them from their slumber. In other words: make out with his toes (assuming his hygiene is good to excellent). It's more erotic than it sounds."
What We Say: Pedicure or no pedicure, do not make out with his toes.
32. Sinus Infection
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "Nibble on the tips of each other's noses. The cartilage here is receptive to heavier stimulation like this. Or rub noses in an 'Eskimo kiss.'"
What We Say: Bite her nose, and she'll assume you're going Jeffrey Dahmer on her. Chances are, that's not her thing.
31. Bedazzled
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in."
What We Say: Let's leave the arts and crafts outside the bedroom.
30. Freaky Sperm
Source: Men's Fitness
What They Say: "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up this B vitamin that's key for cell production."
What We Say: Are mutant sperm really a thing now?
29. Keep Refrigerated
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Kitchen carnal action may be nothing new to you, but the icebox might be uncharted territory. Open the door to the refrigerator and have your man sit on the floor with his back against the cool shelves. Then straddle him. Not only will the cold air give you both a thrill (you'll surely perk up!), but you can also incorporate food into your frisky play."
What We Say: How about you just use ice cubes and don't risk your groceries spoiling?
28. The Home Run
Source: Essence
What They Say: "There's no way you won't get riled up at a baseball game especially if you're watching your favorite team play. Between the drinking, cheering, and shouting, no one will really notice if your man tries for second and makes it all the way home without striking out. And if you need more privacy, you can always opt for cheaper seats further away from the crowd."
What We Say: We don't think those are the kind of nuts they're selling at ballparks. (you know, where it's supposed to be a family-friendly environment).
27. Pepper Grinder
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects."
What We Say: We believe the objective is to shoot sperm, not saliva.
26. The Booze Bath
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "Get naked! Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
What We Say: If you've ever drank peppermint schnapps, you know it tastes like a mix of gum and vomit. Also, isn't this essentially a body shot? Just say no to sticky sheets.
25. Do the Head Hump
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Perform oral sex...on her mouth. Simulate what you'd like to do to her below-the-belt region, pretending that her lips are, well, you know, lips."
What We Say: Please don't do this. Seriously.
24. The Faux Betrayal
Source: GQ
What They Say: "Sometimes jealousy is a real aphrodisiac. Why not give her the illusion that you've been cheating on her without any of the actual cheating. Have a friend call your cell phone repeatedly at odd hours, or quickly cover up your computer screen whenever she walks into a room. Now take her in your arms. Surprise! You've been taking a ballroom dancing class the whole time."
What We Say: Yes, because anxiety attacks and feelings of loss and betrayal will get him SO aroused.
23. No Entrance
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "A guy's prostate - the walnut-size gland under his bladder - is the ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed. To tantalize it, partway through oral sex or intercourse, rest two fingers against the swath of skin between his testicles and anus."
What We Say: This will result in mental, and possibly physical anguish on his behalf. Avoid sneak attacks.
22. Talk Commitement To Me
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "You know her dreams-children, a beach house, season tickets to the Steelers-so tell her your plans to give her that and more. You're touching a primal desire and emphasizing your long-term commitment."
What We Say: We're pretty sure this is as misogynist as advice can get. Since when does talk of rings and babies count as dirty talk?
21. Keep It Funky
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "BO phobes take note: Perspiration can have an invigorating effect on your sex life."
What We Say: We don't think this is what they mean when they refer to "dirty sex."
20. A Razor and a Dream
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "Your husband shaves your pubic hair. First, take a hot bath to soften your skin and hair. Second, use scissors to trim the length. Third, lie on the bed or on a table and let that shaving expert, your husband, foam you up and shave you. It's scary at first, but if he's gentle you will not get nicked. He can shave everything or just neaten you up. One friend's artistic husband shaved her hair into a heart."
What We Say: Foreplay shouldn't end in the emergency room. Just say no to taking a sharp object to her genitals.
19. Stuck On You
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Go down on him with an ice pop in one hand. Take turns sucking on his penis and the ice pop."
What We Say: Or, just ditch the ice pop (which, FYI, will melt into a sticky mess) and just, you know, focus on his penis.
18. Extra Sour Cream
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket)."
What We Say: Attempting this without her permission will get a man slapped. Also, since when do burritos get chicks hot?
17. The Rusty Nipple
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Use bobby-pins as DIY nipple clamps (on you or him)."
What We Say: "DIY" and "nipple clamp" should never be used in the same sentence.
16. Fungus Among Us
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "Of course, your guy can take your toes into his mouth - a classic bedroom move. Or, have him gently pinch the sides of your big toe and roll it between his fingers. This activates reflexology pathways connected to your genitals."
What We Say: Her big toe is not a hidden erogenous zone. There are other body parts (like, uh, any other part) she'd rather you focus your attention on.
15. The Over/Under
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "Why not give him oral sex over his underwear?"
What We Say: He doesn't want saliva on his draws. Why not skip ahead to taking them off?
14. Playing Footsie
Source: Women's Health
What They Say: "Forget about giving a hand job under the table, and instead let your feet do the work. Rub your foot up and down and around his bulge. It's subtler than using your hand, but the sensations it creates are just as intense."
What We Say: Sure, this will be inconspicuous.
13. Grape Expectations
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Put a frozen grape in your mouth and warm it up a bit. Then hold it between your teeth and glide it down his neck, around his nipples, and over his lips. Finally, use your tongue to slip the grape into his mouth."
What We Say: No thanks. You can eat that defiled grape yourself.
12. Intercourse with a Vampire
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "In the middle of intercourse, dig your nails into his butt and pull him in closer."
What We Say: Be sure to ask if he's into bloodletting before you dig in.
11. Make-up Sex
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Using a soft, clean, make-up brush lightly dust over his testicles, penis, inner thighs, and abdomen in sweeping circular motions. It provides an enjoyable subtle sensation that's stronger than a feather but lighter than your fingertips. Repeated circles on the scrotum will feel especially good."
What We Say: For those times when his scrotum just needs a good dusting.
10. Popping Bottles
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "Take a swig of champagne before going down, then use your tongue to swirl the bubbles around her clitoris. Nerve endings react to bubbles. In a very good way."
What We Say: Champagne is made with yeast. You do the math.
9. Look Ma, No Eyes
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "A lot of women have trouble totally letting go when they're on the receiving end of oral because they're self-conscious of how they look down there. So slip on a sleep mask before heading south. That way, she won't be concerned with what you're seeing, but she'll still get to look down and see all the hot action."
What We Say: Don't assume she's self-conscious about how she "looks down there." Who even talks like that? This is just upsetting.
8. A Foreign Tounge
Source: Glamour
What They Say: "You have no clue what the hell he's saying, but as long as he keeps saying it, you're totally cool with it. Hook up with a sexy foreigner and find out if what his tongue does to those sexy syllables translates below the belt."
What We Say: There are no statistics to support the assertion that speaking a foreign language makes you any better at oral sex.
7. Heart to Heart
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Since heart rate speeds up during orgasm, if you stay hand-to-heart connected while you do it, you'll feel how wild you're driving each other."
What We Say: Forgive our bluntness, but your hands would be better off elsewhere.
6. One Bumpy Ride
Source Essence
What They Say: "Even if you're not quite an exhibitionist, getting it on on the bus can be great if you're looking for a quick thrill to pass the time during long trips. You're always going to be surrounded by people who are sure to notice your little escapade, but if you time it right (like during the commute home from work or late at night), everyone will be too tired to really care. Some buses also have high backs and will shield you from curious onlookers."
What We Say: And for even more of an adventure, use the bacteria-laden bus poles for a strip tease. Will you leave with herpes? No one knows!
5. Bad Company
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were."
What We Say: This isn't kinky; it's twisted. Also, unsanitary.
4. Bean Bagging
Source: Men's Health
What They Say: "Another new place to have sex: in a beanbag chair. You can contour it to any shape, and it'll support you in unaccustomed ways. Doggy-style sex works great when she's on her belly, draped over the amorphous blob (that's the chair, not you)."
What We Say: What is this, the 80s? Who the hell owns a beanbag chair anymore?
3. Moisture Down Under
Source: Cosmopolitan
What They Say: "Wet the fabric of his underwear with your tongue, and puff short breaths of hot air on it."
What We Say: We'll say it again. Stop drooling on the dude's boxers.
2. Tea Time
Source: Women's Health
What They Say: "Blow hot air over the thin-skinned parts of his body, such as his neck, ears, inner thighs, and scrotum. Or keep a mug of warm tea on the bedside table, and before you go down on him, swish some around in your mouth."
What We Say: Warm tea and scrotum don't belong in the same sentence. Ever.
1. Hold the Butter
Source: Redbook
What They Say: "Nibble your way up the side of his penis as if it were corn on the cob, taking the skin lightly between your lips or teeth and tugging gently."
What We Say: Comparing his penis to a side dish is never sexy. Neither is using your teeth. No, not even gently.
