Author: Philip Roth
Participants: Alex Portnoy, a piece of liver
Worst Line(s): "Well, where is this right mind on that afternoon I came home from school to find my mother out of the house, and our refrigerator stocked with a big purplish piece of raw liver? I believe that I have already confessed to the piece of liver that I bought in a butcher shop and banged behind a billboard on the way to a bar mitzvah lesson. Well, I wish to make a clean breast of it, Your Holiness. That—she—it—wasn't my first piece. My first piece I had in the privacy of my own home, rolled around my cock in the bathroom at three-thirty-and then had again on the end of a fork, at five thirty, along with the other members of that poor innocent family of mine.

"So. Now you know the worst thing I have ever done. I fucked my own family's dinner."

The granddaddy of literary masturbation scenes needs no comment.